Clerks Page #3

The CUSTOMER exits.

DANTE:

Maybe you should take that coffee

outside.

ACTIVIST:

No, I think I'll drink it in here,

thanks.

DANTE:

If you're going to drink it in here,

I'd appreciate it if you'd not bother

the customers.

ACTIVIST:

Okay. I'm sorry about that.

Another CUSTOMER comes up to the counter.

CUSTOMER:

Pack of cigarettes.

(looks at model)

What's that?

ACTIVIST:

This? How long have you been smoking?

CUT TO:

EXT:
CONVENIENCE STORE. DAY

A blank wall. JAY steps into the frame, followed by SILENT

BOB. JAY pulls off his coat and swings it into the arms of

SILENT BOB. JAY then throws down with a makeshift slam dance,

spinning his arm and fake-hitting SILENT BOB.

JAY:

WE NEED SOME TITS AND ASS! YEAH!

SILENT BOB lights a smoke.

JAY:

I feel good today, Silent Bob. We're

gonna make some money! And then you

know what we're going to do? We're

going to go to that party and get

some p*ssy! I'm gonna f*** this b*tch,

that b*tch...

(Blue Velvet Hopper)

I'LL F*** ANYTHING THAT MOVES!

SILENT BOB points to something off-screen.

JAY:

(to O.C.)

What you looking at?! I'll kick your

f***ing ass!

(to SILENT BOB)

Doesn't that motherf***er still owe

me ten bucks?

SILENT BOB nods.

JAY:

Tonight, you and me are going off

that f***er's head, and take out his

f***ing soul! Remind me if he tries

to buy something from us, to cut it

with leafs and twigs... or f***ing

sh*t in the motherf***er's bag!

Some girls walk past. JAY smiles at them.

JAY:

Wa sup sluts?

(to SILENT BOB)

Damn Silent Bob! You one rude

motherf***er! But you're cute as

hell.

(slowly drops to knees)

I wanna go down on you, and suckle

you.

(makes blow job neck-

jerks)

And then, I wanna line up three more

guys, and make like a circus seal...

JAY makes blow job faces down an imaginary line of guys,

looking quite like a performing seal. He throws a little

humming sound behind each nod. He then hops up quickly.

JAY:

Ewwww! You f***ing f*ggot! I f***ing

hate guys!

(yelling)

I LOVE WOMEN!

(calmer)

Neh.

A GUY comes up to them.

GUY:

You selling?

JAY:

(all business)

I got hits, hash, weed, and later on

I'll have 'shrooms. We take cash, or

stolen MasterCard and Visa.

CUT TO:

INT:
CONVENIENCE STORE. DAY

A SMALL CROWD gathers around the ACTIVIST as he orates. It

has become something of a rally.

ACTIVIST:

You're spending what? Twenty, thirty

dollars a week on cigarettes.

LISTENER 1

Forty.

LISTENER 2

Fifty-three.

ACTIVIST:

Fifty-three dollars. Would you pay

someone that much money every week

to kill you? Because that's what

you're doing now, by paying for the

so-called privilege to smoke!

LISTENER 3

We all gotta go sometime...

ACTIVIST:

It's that kind of mentality that

allows this cancer-producing industry

to thrive. Of course we're all going

to die someday, but do we have to

pay for it? Do we have to actually

throw hard-earned dollars on a counter

and say, "Please, please, Mister

Merchant of Death, sir; please sell

me something that will give me bad

breath, stink up my clothes, and fry

my lungs."

LISTENER 1

It's not that easy to quit.

ACTIVIST:

Of course it's not; not when you

have people like this mindless cretin

so happy and willing to sell you

nails for your coffin!

DANTE:

Hey, now wait a sec...

ACTIVIST:

Now he's going to launch into his

rap about how he's just doing his

job; following orders. Friends, let

me tell you about another bunch of

hate mongers that were just following

orders:
they were called Nazis, and

they practically wiped a nation of

people from the Earth... just like

cigarettes are doing now! Cigarette

smoking is the new Holocaust, and

those that partake in the practice

of smoking or sell the wares that

promote it are the Nazis of the

nineties! He doesn't care how many

people die from it! He smiles as you

pay for your cancer sticks and says,

"Have a nice day."

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