Clueless

# Looking out a dirty, old window?

# Outside the cars in the city go rushing by?

# I sit here alone, and I wonder why?

# Friday night and everyone's moving?

# I can feel the heat?

# But it's soothing?

# Heading down?

# I search for the beat

in this dirty town?

# Downtown, the young ones are going?

# Downtown, the young ones are growing?

# We're the kids in America?

# We're the kids in America?

Cher:
So, O.K., you're probably going, Is this, like, a Noxema commercial or what? But seriously, I actually have a way normal life for a teenage girl. I mean, I get up, I brush my teeth. And I pick out my school clothes.

# They do it over there?

# But we don't do it here?

# Ooh, bop?

# Fashion?

# Turn to the left?

# Fashion?

# Turn to the right?

# Ooh, fashion?

Cher:
Daddy's a litigator. Those are the scariest kinds of lawyers. Even Lucy, our maid, is terrified of him. And Daddy is so good, he gets $500 an hour to fight with people. But he fights with me for free because i'm his daughter. Daddy!

Mel:
Cher, please don't start with the juice again.

Cher:
Daddy, you need your Vitamin C.

Mel:
Where's my briefcase?

Cher:
It's been a couple months now. So I said we'd go out to Malibu.

Mel:
Don't tell me those braindead lowlifes have been calling again.

Cher:
They are your parents. And don't try sneaking out of the office. Dr. Lovett's coming by to give you a flu shot.

Mel:
Oh, Josh is in town. He's coming for dinner.

Cher:
Why?

Mel:
He's your stepbrother!

Cher:
But you were hardly married to his mother, and that was 5 years ago. Why do I have to see Josh?

Mel:
You divorce wives, not children.

Cher:
Here.

Mel:
Forget it!

Cher:
Did I show you the loqued out Jeep Daddy got me? It's got four-wheel drive, dual side airbags, and a monster sound system. I don't have a license yet, but I need something to learn on. Boy! That came out of nowhere! Here's where Dionne lives. She's my friend because we both know what it's like to have people be jealous of us. Girlfriend! I must give her snaps

for her courageous fashion efforts.

Dionne:
Hey, Cher.

Cher:
Dionne and I were both named after great singers of the past who now do infomercials.

Dionne:
So?

Cher:
Been shopping with Dr. Seuss?

Dionne:
Well at least I wouldn't skin a collie to make my backpack.

Cher:
It's faux.

Dionne:
Hello! That was a stop sign.

Cher:
I totally paused.

Dionne:
Yeah. O.K. It's not even 8:30, and Murray is paging me.

Cher:
He is so possessive.

Dionne:
Ugh tell me about it. This weekend he called me up, and he's all, Where were you today? I'm like at my grandmother's house

Cher:
Dionne and her boyfriend Murray are in this dramatic relationship. I think they've seen that Ike and Tina Turner movie just too many times. Now, I have to say to her... Dee, why do you put up with it? You could do so much better.

Dionne:
I know. Shh. Here he comes.

Murray:
Woman, why don't you be answering any of my pages?

Dionne:
I hate when you call me woman.

Murray:
Where you been all weekend? Wassup. You jeepin' behind my back?

Dionne:
Jeepin'. No! But speaking of vehicular sex, perhaps you can explain how this cheap Kmart hair extension got into the backseat of your car.

Murray:
I don't know where that came from. That looks like one of your stringy something or anothers you got up in your hair.

Dionne:
I do not wear polyester hair, O.K.? Unlike some people I know like Shawanna.

Cher:
Dee, I'm Audi.

Dionne:
Bye. That's it. I've had it with you.

Murray:
Is it that time of the month again?

Cher:
I don't know why Dionne's going out with a high school boy. They're like dogs. You have to clean them and feed them. They're just like these nervous creatures that jump and slobber all over you. Ew! Get off of me! Oh, as if!

Mr Hall:
Should all oppressed people be allowed refuge in America? Amber will take the con position. Cher will be pro. Cher, two minutes.

Cher:
So. O.K. Like, right now, for example, the Haiti-ans need to come to America. But some people are all, What about the strain on our resources? Then its like, when I had this garden party for my father's birthday, right? I said RSVP because it was a sit-down dinner. But people came that, like, did not RSVP, so I was, like, totally buggin'. I had to haul ass to the kitchen, redistribute the food, squish in extra place settings. But by the end of the day, it was, like, the more the merrier. And so if the government could just get to the kitchen, rearrange some things, we could certainly party with the Haiti-ans. And in conclusion may I please remind you that it does not say RSVP on the Statue of Liberty?

Class:
Whoo! Yeah!

Cher:
Thank you very much.

Mr Hall:
Amber, reply?

Amber:
Mr. Hall, how can I answer that? The topic is Haiti, and she's talking about some little party.

Cher:
Hello! It was his 50th birthday.

Amber:
Whatever. If she doesn't do the assignment, I can't do mine.

Mr. Hall:
Ladies. So, does anyone have any further thoughts on Cher's oration? Elton, comments?

Elton:
Yeah, I can't find my Cranberries CD. I got to go to the quad before somebody snags it.

Mr Hall:
I'm afraid I can't permit that. Any further insights?

Travis:
I have an insight, Mr. Hall.

Mr. Hall:
I'm all ears.

Travis:
O.K., like, the way I feel about the Rolling Stones is the way my kids are going to feel about Nine Inch Nails, so I really shouldn't torment my mom anymore, huh?

Mr. Hall:
Yes, well, it's a little off the subject of Haiti, but tolerance is always a good lesson. Even when it comes out of nowhere. And with that in mind, I'm going to distribute your report cards. Now, is there a Christian Stovitz in this class?

Cher:
Mr. Hall, the buzz on Christian is that his parents have joint custody. So he'll be spending one semester in Chicago and one semester here. I think it is a travesty on the part of the legal profession.

Mr. Hall:
Thank you for that perspective, Cher. Now could all conversations please come to a halt? And could the suicide attempts please be postponed til the next period

Cher:
Suddenly, a dark cloud settled over first period. I got a C in Debate? Dee?

Dionne:
Sup?

Cher:
Did you get your report card?

Dionne:
Yeah. I'm toast. How did you do?

Cher:
I totally choked. My father's going to go ballistic on me.

Dionne:
Mr. Hall was way harsh. He gave me a C-minus.

Cher:
He gave me a C, which drags down my entire average.

Dionne:
Bye.

Cher:
I'll call you. O.K.?

Dionne:
Ya

Cher:
Isn't my house classic? The columns date all the way back to 1972. Wasn't my mom a Betty? She died when I was just a baby. A fluke accident during a routine liposuction. I don't remember her, but I like to pretend she still watches over me. Hey, Ma. 98 in Geometry. Pretty groovy, huh? Yuck! Ugh. The maudlin music of the university station? Wah wah wah! Yuck! What is it about college and crybaby music?

Josh:
Hey. Who's watching the Galleria?

Cher:
So the flannel shirt deal is that a nod to the crispy Seattle weather? Or are you trying to stay warm in front of the refrigerator?

Josh:
Oh, wow, you're filling out there.

Cher:
Oh, wow, your face is catching up with your mouth.

Josh:
I went by Dad's office.

Cher:
He is not your dad. Why don't you torture a new family.

Josh:
Hey, just because my mother marries someone else doesn't mean he's my father.

Cher:
Actually Cato that's exactly what it means. I hope you're not thinking of staying here.

Josh:
I sure want to.

Cher:
I'm sure you do

Josh:
I got a place in westwood near school.

Cher:
Shouldn't you go to school on the East Coast? I heard girls at NYU aren't at all particular.

Josh:
You're funny.

Cher:
Hey! God you just got here, and already you're playing couch commando.

Josh:
Hey you know in some parts of the universe, maybe not in contempo casual but in some parts it's considered cool to know what's going on in the world.

Cher:
Thank you Josh, I so need lessons from you on how to be cool. Tell me that part about Kenny G. Again.

Mel:
Come on, you chuckleheads! Get in here! Josh, are you still growing? You look taller than you did at Easter.

Josh:
No, I don't think so.

Mel:
Doesn't he look bigger?

Cher:
His head does.

Mel:
So, Josh, have you given any thought to our little discussion about corporate law?

Josh:
Ya, you know I think I'd really like to check out environmental law.

Mel:
What for? You want to have a miserable, frustrating life?

Cher:
Oh, Josh will have that no matter what he does.

Mel:
At least he knows what he wants to do. And he's in a good college. I'd like to see you have a little bit of direction.

Cher:
I have direction.

Josh:
Yeah. Towards the mall.

Mel:
Which reminds me. Where's your report card?

Cher:
It's not ready yet.

Mel:
What do you mean it's not ready yet?

Cher:
Well, some teachers were trying to lowball me, Daddy. And I know how you say never accept a first offer. So i figure these grades are just a jumping-off point to start negotiations.

Mel:
Very good.

Cher:
Dee?

Mel:
Hello? Yeah, Jake. What? No! Not the afternoon!

Cher:
You are such a brownnoser.

Josh:
You are such a superficial space cadet. What makes you think your teachers will change your grades?

Cher:
Only the fact that I've done it every other semester. I told my P.E. teacher an evil male had broken my heart. So she raised my C to a B.

Ms. Stoeger:
They're horrible! Don't feel bad! And they're all like this.

Cher:
Then I promised Miss Geist I'd start a letter-writing campaign to my congressman about violations of the Clean Air Act. But Mr. Hall was totally rigid. He said my debates were unresearched, unstructured, and unconvincing. As if! I felt impotent and out of control, which I really hate. I needed to find sanctuary in a place where I could gather my thoughts and regain my strength.

Dionne:
Dude. What's wrong? Are you suffering from buyer's remorse or something?

Cher:
God no. Nothing like that. It's just that we've been shopping all day, and I still don't know what to do about Mr. Hall. I've tried everything to convince him of my scholastic aptitude, but I was brutally rebuffed.

Dionne:
Oh get over it ok. He's a miserable little man who wants to make everyone else miserable, too.

Cher:
Dee, that's it! We've got to figure out a way to make Mr. Hall sublimely happy. Here's the 411 on Mr. Hall... He's single, he's 47, and he earns minor ducats at a thankless job. What that man needs is a good, healthy boink fest. Unfortunately, there was a major babe drought in my school. The evil trolls from the math department were actually married. Ooh, Snickers. And in the grand tradition of P.E. teachers, Ms. Stoeger seemed to be same-sex oriented. Of course, there was always Miss Geist. Something told me not to discount Miss Geist. Well, sure, she has runs in her stockings. and her slip is always showing, and she has more lipstick on her teeth than on her mouth.

Mrs. Geist:
Popular uprisings from estates to the general assembly!

Cher:
God, this woman is screaming for a makeover. I'm her only hope.

Dionne:
"Rough winds do shake the darling buds of May, but thy eternal summer shall not fade." PHAT! Did you write that?

Cher:
Tscha! It's a famous quote.

Dionne:
From where?

Cher:
Cliffs Notes.

Dionne:
Oh.

Mrs. Geist:
Run along. See you third period. Try to remember to bring our textbooks.

Dionne:
Oh, my God! She actually looked happy.

Cher:
Classic!

Mr. Hall:
Paradoasm Banofshon...

Paradoasm:
Here.

Mr. Hall:
16 tardies to work off. Janet Hong... no tardies. Travis Birkenstock... 38 tardies. By far the most tardies in the class. Congratulations.

Travis:
This is so unexpected. I didn't even have a speech prepared. Uh, but I would like to say this. Tardiness is not something you can do all on your own. Many, many people contributed to my tardiness. Uh, I would like to thank my parents for never giving me a ride to school, the L.A. city bus driver for taking a chance on an unknown kid, and uh, last but not least, the wonderful crew at McDonald's for spending hours making those Egg McMuffins, without which I might never be tardy.

Mr. Hall:
Well, if Mr. Birkenstock has no political messages to include in his speech. I'll go on. Cher Horowitz... two tardies.

Cher:
I object! Do you recall the dates of these alleged tardies?

Mr. Hall:
One was last Monday.

Cher:
Mr. Hall, I was surfing the crimson wave. I had to haul ass to the ladies.

Mr. Hall:
I assume you are referring to women's troubles, and so I'll let that one slide.

Cher:
Thank you, Mr. Hall. Miss Geist was right about you.

Mr. Hall:
What do you mean? Well, she said that you were the only one in this school with any intelligence.

Mel:
Cher, get in here.

Cher:
Yes, Daddy?

Mel:
Will you tell me what the hell this is?

Cher:
Um, a second notice for three outstanding tickets. I don't remember getting a first notice.

Mel:
The ticket is the first notice. I didn't know you could get tickets without a license!

Cher:
Oh, sure you can. You can get tickets anytime.

Mel:
Oh is that so well, not around here you can't. From this moment on, you will not drive, sit, do anything in that Jeep without a supervised driver present and no cruising around with Dionne alright. Two permits do not equal a license. Do I make myself clear?

Cher:
Yes, Daddy.

Mel:
Cher, I expect you to become a good driver. I want to see you apply yourself

Cher:
I will. I'm going to practice real hard.

Mel:
O.K.

Cher:
A licensed driver with nothing to do? Where would I find such a loser? Hey, granola breath, you got something on your chin.

Josh:
I'm growing a goatee.

Cher:
Well thats good you don't want to be the last one at the coffeehouse without chin pubes.

Josh:
I can't tell you how much I enjoy these little chats of ours, but in the interest of saving time, why don't you just tell me what you want.

Cher:
O.K. So, actually, I have a permit, and I can drive and all but Daddy says I can't take the Jeep out without a licensed driver. Since you're not doing anything and all you know...

Josh:
What are the chances of you shutting up till you get your way?

Cher:
Slim to none. Come on.

Josh:
Hey, James Bond. In America, we drive on the right side of the road.

Cher:
I am. You try driving in platforms.

Josh:
Look, I got to get back to school. Want to practice parking?

Cher:
What's the point? Everywhere you go has valet. What class you going to?

Josh:
Actually, I'm going to a Tree People meeting. We might get Marky Mark to plant a celebrity tree.

Cher:
How fabulous. Getting Marky Mark to take time from his busy pants-dropping schedule to plant trees. Why don't you hire a gardener?

Josh:
Maybe Marky Mark wants to use his popularity for a good cause, make a contribution. In case you've never heard of that, a contribution is...

Cher:
I have donated many Italian outfits to Lucy. As soon as I get my license, I fully intend to brake for animals, and I have contributed many hours to helping two lonely teachers find romance.

Josh:
Which I'll bet serves your interests more than theirs. If I ever saw you do anything that wasn't 90% selfish, I'd die of shock.

Cher:
Oh, that would be reason enough for me. Would you call me selfish?

Dionne:
No. Not to your face.

Cher:
Really?

Dionne:
Is Josh giving you sh*t because he's in his postadolescent idealistic phase?

Cher:
Look, there's Mr. Hall. Mr. Hall! Mr. Hall! Um, do you drink coffee?

Mr. Hall:
Not from this cafeteria. But uh yes, under normal circumstances.

Cher:
Well I am such a retard. When I was packing Daddy's lunch this morning, I gave him my lemon Snapple and I took his sucky Italian roast. Do you want it?

Mr. Hall:
You sure you don't want it?

Cher:
Tscha! It might stunt my growth and I want to be 5'10 like Cindy Crawford. But I thought you or Miss Geist might like it.

Dionne:
Maybe you could share it.

Mr. Hall:
Well... thanks.

Cher:
Sure.

Dionne and Cher:
Miss Geist!

Mrs. Geist:
Hi girls did you sign up for the environmental fair?

Dionne:
Oh ya we will.

Cher:
You have pretty eyes. Don't hide them. These clips are so cute.

Dionne:
And this tiny little waist. Look. Wow.

Mrs. Geist:
Girls. Oh, don't forget to sign up for the environmental fair.

Dionne:
Not a total Betty, but a vast improvement.

Cher:
Well we did our best. We got to book it if we are going to make it to P.E. Come on, Dee.

Dionne:
I feel like bailing, dude.

Cher:
I know what you mean, but at least it's exercise. I feel like such a heifer. I had two bowls of Special K, three pieces of turkey bacon, a handful of popcorn, five peanut butter M&M's, and, like, three pieces of licorice.

Dionne:
Oh, my God. Look. Is that a photo op or what?

Cher:
Look at that body language... Legs crossed towards each other. That's an unequivocal sex invite.

Dionne:
Oh, Cher, he's getting her digits. Look at Geist. She is so cute.

Cher:
Ohh. Old people can be so sweet.

# The world is full of fools?

# Who never get it right?

# You don't know what to do?

# So you do anything you like?

# Put your feet in drive?

# Oh, you're a silly thing?

# Put your feet in drive?

# You're such a pretty thing?

# You're going out tonight?

# There's nothing to lose...?

Cher:
The entire student body was utterly grateful for the improvement in their grades.

# Don't ever change?

# No, never change?

Mel:
Cher, what's this all about?

Cher:
My report card?

Mel:
The same semester?

Cher:
Uh-huh.

Mel:
What did you do? Turn in some extra credit reports?

Cher:
No.

Mel:
Did you take the midterms over?

Cher:
Uh-uh.

Mel:
You mean to tell me that you argued your way from a C-plus to an A-minus?

Cher:
Totally based on my powers of persuasion. You proud?

Mel:
Honey, I couldn't be happier then if they were based on real grades. Fabulous.

Cher:
I felt so satisfied, I wanted to do more good deeds.

Dionne:
Ah-choo!

Cher:
Dee, when your allergies act up, take out your nose ring.

Ms. Stoeger:
Follow through! There you go. There you go. All right, Cher! Earth to Cher. Come in, Cher.

Cher:
Ms. Stoeger... I would just like to say that physical education in this school is a disgrace. I mean, standing in line for 40 minutes is hardly aerobically effective. I doubt I worked off the calories in a stick of Carefree gum.

Class:
Whoo! Whoo!

Ms. Stoeger:
You exercised your mouth, Cher. Hit the ball.

Cher:
Ms. Stoeger, that machine is just a lawsuit waiting to happen.

Ms. Stoeger:
Thanks for the legal advice. Dionne, you're up.

Dionne:
Oh no Ms. Stoger, I have a note from my tennis instructor and he would prefer it if I wouldn't expose myself to any training that might derail his teachings.

Ms. Stoeger:
Fine. Amber!

Amber:
Ms. Stoeger my plastic surgeon doesn't want me doing any activity where balls fly at my nose.

Dionne:
Well, there goes your social life.

Principal:
Ms. Stoeger...got another one. Ladies, we have a new student with us. This is Tai Frasier.

Ms. Stoeger:
Tai you don't have time to change but you could hit a few balls in those clothes.

Amber:
She could be a farmer in those clothes.

Cher:
Dee, my mission is clear. Would you look at that girl? She is so adorably clueless. We've got to adopt her.

Dionne:
Cher she is toe up. Our stock would plummet.

Cher:
Dee don't you want to use your popularity for a good cause?

Dionne:
No.

Cher:
Come here! Yeah, come here. Hang with us.

Tai:
Oh, thank you.

Cher:
How do you like California?

Tai:
Man, I'm freakin'. I could really use some sort of an herbal refreshment.

Dionne:
Oh well we do lunch in 10 minutes. We don't have any tea, but we have Coke and stuff.

Tai:
No sh*t you guys got coke here?

Cher:
Yeah. This is America. So we decided to show Tai the ropes at Bronson Alcott High School. That is Alana's group over there. They do the TV station. They think that's the most important thing on Earth. And that's the Persian Mafia. You can't hang with them unless you own a BMW. There's Elton in the white vest, with all the most popular boys in the school.

Dionne:
Including my boyfriend. Ain't he cute?

Tai:
Ya

Cher:
If you decide to date a high school boy, they're the only acceptable ones.

Tai:
Cher which one of them's your boyfriend?

Cher:
As if!

Dionne:
Cher's got attitude about high school boys.

Cher:
It's a personal choice every woman has got to make for herself.

Murray:
Woman, lend me $5.00.

Dionne:
Murray, I have asked you repeatedly not to call me woman.

Murray:
Excuse me, Miss Dionne

Dionne:
Thank you

Murray:
Street slang is an increasingly valid form of expression. Most feminine pronouns do have mocking but not necessarily misogynistic undertone.

Tai:
Wow. You guys talk like grownups.

Cher:
Oh, well this is a really good school.

Tai:
I'm going to go get a soda. Do you guys want?

Cher:
Sure.

Dionne:
She's nice.

Cher:
Ooh! Project!

Travis:
Oh, wow. That's disgusting. That's a nice representation there.

Travis:
Thanks.

Tai:
Those are really nice stickers.

Travis:
Oh you like them I was thinking it was too cluttered. You know I want to wipe all this out and just concentrate on one main decorative statement, like Marvin the Martian right there.

Tai:
Get out of town I can do Marvin the Martian.

Travis:
Really?

Tai:
Well I mean there's not really a lot to him, but you want to see?

Travis:
Yeah. That's really cool. You drew that?

Tai:
Yeah, wait. I got one here.

Travis:
You didn't trace this?

Tai:
Uh-uh. No. Here's another one over here... and lots of little guys.

Travis:
That is so cute. You're really good at it.

Tai:
No.

Travis:
No, really. You are. Yeah.

Dionne:
Are you sure that's fat free?

Cher:
Oh, yes. And you lose weight by doing it like this cutting it small.

Tai:
I met a really cool guy.

Cher:
Describe.

Tai:
He's got long hair. He's really funny. Straight off right he offers me some smoke. There he is!

Cher:
Are you talking about drugs?

Tai:
Yeah.

Cher:
Tai, how old are you?

Tai:
I'll be 16 in May.

Cher:
My birthday's in April, and as someone older, can I please give you some advice? It is one thing to spark up a doobie and get laced at parties, but it is quite another to be fried all day.

Dionne:
Do you see the distinction?

Tai:
Yeah.

Cher:
Loadies generally hang on the grassy knoll over there. Sometimes they come to class and say bonehead things, and we all laugh, of course, but no respectable girl actually dates them. You don't want to start off on the wrong foot now, do you? I've got an idea. Let's do a makeover.

Tai:
No. No.

Dionne:
Oh, come on let us Cher's main thrill in life is a makeover. Ok it gives her a sense of control in a world full of chaos.

Cher:
Please?

Tai:
Sure. Why not? Sh*t you guys, I've never had straight friends before.

# I don't care?

# What my teachers say?

# I'm gonna be a supermodel?

# And everyone?

# Is gonna dress like me?

# Wait and see?

# When I'm a supermodel?

# And my hair will shine like the sea?

# And everyone?

# Will want to look?

# Just like me?

# Eeee?

# 'Cause I'm young?

# I'm hip?

# And so beautiful?

# I'm going to be a supermodel?

Cindy:
Now squeeze your buttocks when you come up.

Cher:
Squeeze in.

Tai:
Ugh, Cher I don't want to do this anymore. And my buns they don't feel nothing like steel.

Cher:
O.K. It will get easier. I promise. Just as long as we do it every day, not just sporadically.

Tai:
How do you know if we're doing it sporadically?

Cher:
That's another thing Tai we've got to work on your accent and vocabulary. See sporadic means once in a while. Try and use it in a sentence today.

Tai:
Alright

Cher:
From now on, we're alternating Cindy Crawford's Aerobicize and Buns Of Steel and reading one nonschool book a week. My first book is Fit Or Fat.

Tai:
Mine is Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus.

Cher:
Good. That takes care of our minds and bodies, but we should do something good for mankind or the planet for a couple of hours.

Josh:
Hey, brainiac.

Cher:
Ugh. The dreaded ex. Tai, this is Josh.

Josh:
Nice to meet you.

Cher:
Hey! You know about this stuff. I want to do something good for humanity.

Josh:
How about sterilization?

Tai:
Ha ha ha!

Cher:
So what do you think?

Josh:
I'm amazed.

Cher:
That I am devoting myself so generously to someone else?

Josh:
No, that you found someone even more clueless than you are to worship you.

Cher:
I am rescuing her from teenage hell. Did you know the wounds of adolescence can take years to heal.

Josh:
Ya and you've never had a mother. You're acting out on that poor girl like she was your Barbie doll.

Cher:
Freshman Psych rears its ugly head.

Josh:
Hey, I am not taking Psych.

Cher:
Whatever, I am going to take that lost soul in there and make her well-dressed and popular. Her life will be better because of me. How many girls can say that about you?

# Mentos better?

# Mentos fresher?

# Fresh goes better?

# With Mentos, fresh and full of life!?

Tai:
Mentos. The freshmaker.

Josh:
Be seeing ya.

Tai:
Yeah, I hope not sporadically.

Cher:
Oh my god. Do you see how boys are responding? My heart is totally bursting.

Dionne:
I know! I'm convelling

Travis:
Cher, you have Deamer right?

Cher:
Geist.

Travis:
Hey, Tai, did you get a flyer?

Tai:
Uh-uh. Thanks. Wow! A party!

Cher:
It's in the Valley. The cops usually break them up in less than an hour, and it takes that long to get there.

Dionne:
And besides it's just local loadies.

Tai:
Do you guys think Travis is gonna be there?

Dionne:
Tai, I thought we moved on from there.

Cher:
Don't sell yourself short now. You've got something going for you that no one else in this school has has.

Tai:
Oh, I'm not a virgin.

Cher:
I mean mystery as far as everyone's concerned, you're the most popular girl in your school. And the fact that you hang with Dee and I, well...

Dionne:
Speaks very highly of you.

Cher:
If you strike while the iron is hot, you can have any guy that you want.

Tai:
Like who?

Cher:
Let's see who's available? There's Bronson... I got it! Elton! He just broke up with Folette!

Tai:
Who's Elton?

Dionne:
Oh my god. He's way popular, like the social director of the Crew.

Cher:
His dad can get you into any concert. And I noticed him scoping you out.

Tai:
He was looking at me?

Cher:
Says you gave him a toothache.

Tai:
How'd I do that?

Cher:
It's an expression it means he thought you were sweet.

Tai:
Yeah?

Cher:
Yeah?

Dionne:
Wow! Is that true?

Cher:
No.

Dionne:
You are so bad!

Cher:
O.K., you guys, all get together. That is great. Smile! Tai, get a little closer. Closer, Tai. Oh, great. Hey, Elton, um... why don't you put your arm around Tai?

Elton:
All right.

Cher:
Yeah, that's good. O.K. O.K. Tai. Come here, Tai. Hold that. O.K. O.K.

Elton:
Cool picture.

Cher:
Doesn't she look classic?

Elton:
Yeah, she's beautiful.

Cher:
She's like one of those Botticelli chicks.

Elton:
Hey why don't you make me a copy of this, O.K.?

Cher:
Sure. Hi, Daddy. This is my friend Tai.

Mel:
Get out of my chair!

Cher:
Thank you, Lucy. It looks great.

Mel:
What is this crap?

Cher:
Daddy it's from the Cut Your Cholesterol Cookbook. Dr. Lovett says that you've got to get down to 200.

Mel:
No calls tonight.

Cher:
But it's Dionne. It might be important.

Mel:
We're gonna have a nice family dinner. So, uh, what did you do in school today?

Cher:
Well...I broke in my purple clogs.

Mel:
Yeah, hello?

Cher:
Dee? What up?

Dionne:
So check it. Murray's Geometry class is right by Elton's locker, and taped up inside was the picture of Tai.

Cher:
Oh, my God.

Tai:
What?

Cher:
Elton's got a picture of you hanging up in his locker.

Tai:
Oh, no sh*t!

Dionne:
Hello? So anyway the whole crew is going to this party in the Valley.

Cher:
Bye. Looks like we're going to have to make a cameo at the Val party.

Mel:
I told you I wanted it in the morning! No!

Murray:
Just look at the top of the map. Sun Valley is north.

Dionne:
No. All I see is Bel Air ok.

Murray:
Then you're on the wrong map.

Dionne:
I'm not on the wrong map

Murray:
Look at the number on the top. What do the number on the top...

Dionne:
There are no numbers. There's letters.

Murray:
Uh!

Dionne:
Murray, shut up.

Cher:
Listen, Tai, when we get there, make sure Elton sees you, but don't say hi first. Look like you're having fun and you're really popular. Talk to someone in his eyeline preferably a guy. Make him come to you. And find an excuse to leave while he still into the conversation. The key is always have him wanting more. You got it.

Tai:
I got it

Cher:
Ok

Travis:
Heads up!

Tai:
Oh! Did you just see that?

Cher:
God skateboards. That is, like, so five years ago.

Travis:
You guys came. That's good. You want a beer? I'll get you a beer.

Cher:
No.

Murray:
Yeah! Oh, yeah! This sh*t is whack.

Tai:
This is ragin'.

Cher:
Let's do a lap before we commit to a location.

Random Girl:
Aah! Hey!

Dionne:
Who was that?

Tai:
Cher, ain't that the same dress that you was wearing yesterday?

Cher:
Say, Ambular.

Amber:
Hi!

Cher:
Was that you going through my laundry?

Amber:
As if! Like I would really wear something from Judy's.

Cher:
Do you prefer fashion victim or ensembly challenged?

Amber:
Uh!

Cher:
That clone.

Tai:
Cher you look much better in that dress.

Cher:
Hey! Ruin my satin shoes, why don't you?

Travis:
I'm sorry.

Cher:
Excuse me. My shoes. Uh! This is so not fixable.

Travis:
It's a small price to pay to the party gods. Look, I'll make amends. How about some chronic sh*t?

Cher:
It's the least you can do.

Tai:
Let's spark it.

Cher:
Hey, Elton's over there. Act like Travis is saying something funny.

Tai:
Sorry.

Tai:
Ha ha ha!

Travis:
What's so funny?

Tai:
Nothing.

Cher:
Oh, here.

Summer:
Hey, everyone. Let's play suck and blow.

Cher:
God, Elton! Can't you suck?

Dionne:
Aah! No!

Cher:
It's Dee! Come on! What have you done? Oh, my God! Oh! Why did you do this to your head?

Murray:
'Cause I'm keeping it real.

Dionne:
Look what he's done! Can you believe this?

Murray:
Look at Lawrence's head.

Lawrence:
It's the bomb!

Murray:
You look good!

Lawrence:
As will you.

Dionne:
What do you care what he thinks, Murray? I'm the one that has to look at you. That was a big mistake. What am I going to do with you now? Right before the yearbook pictures? What am I going to tell my grandchildren? You know what? O.K. thats it.

Murray:
That's it.

Dionne:
You wanna play games

Murray:
You wanna play games

Dionne:
I'm calling your mother.

Murray:
Hold up! No, no, no! Wait! Don't call my mom!

Lawrence:
Yo, man! Chill! Chill!

Murray:
Don't call my mom!

Cher:
The same thing happened at the spring dance. She spent the entire afterparty in the bathroom.

Tai:
See that almost destroyed my buzz.

Cher:
I'm still baked. What do you say we go bump into people?

Tai:
Yeah. I'm cool with that.

Travis:
Hey, Tai! Wait up!

Tai:
Are you O.K.?

Travis:
Yeah. Where's your sense of good hospitality?

Tai:
That was so cool the way you did that. I wish I could do it.

Travis:
Oh, no. Don't.

Tai:
Why not?

Travis:
Oh, well if girls did it, what would guys do to impress them?

Tai:
I don't know, like...stuff. Ya know.

Travis:
What kind of stuff?

Cher:
Tai, I need you.

Tai:
Kay

Cher:
Elton's over there.

# Rollin' with my homies?

# Rollin' with my homies?

Cher:
Tai! Tai! Elton, help me! Use this.

Travis:
You guys should use ice.

Cher:
Travis, we've got it under control!

Travis:
Tai, are you O.K.?

Cher:
Travis, Tai would have wanted you to enjoy the party. If it's a concussion, you have keep her conscious. Ask her questions.

Elton:
What's 7 times 7?

Cher:
Stuff she knows.

Elton:
That's some bump you got there.

Tai:
Yeah.

Elton:
You ready to go back out there?

Tai:
Yeah, I am.

Elton:
You sure? Can you do this?

# Rollin' with the homies?

# Rollin' with the homies?

Elton:
Good! Let's do it. You're ready.

Cher:
I had to give myself snaps for all the good deeds I was doing. It was so great. Love was everywhere, and even though I was alone, I was really happy for Tai. It's like that book I read in ninth grade that said, 'Tis a far, far better thing doing stuff for other people. " Hello?

Mel:
Do you know what time it is?

Cher:
A watch doesn't really go with this outfit, Daddy.

Mel:
Where are you?

Cher:
I'm just having a snack with my girlfriends.

Mel:
Where, in Kuwait?

Cher:
Is that in the Valley?

Mel:
Cher, I expect you to walk in this door in 20 minutes.

Cher:
Well, um, it might take longer than that, Dad.

Mel:
Everywhere in L.A. takes 20 minutes.

Cher:
Sorry to make you leave. Dionne's bucking for best dramatic actress at a Val party.

Ha ha ha! Hey, Summer.

Summer:
Hi. Pretty random fiesta. Want a ride home?

Cher:
That would be great. Thanks.

Elton:
No, I got her.

Summer:
I'm right below Wilshire and Linden.

Tai:
Oh, that's right near me. I'm above Olympic.

Elton:
Great. Tai will go with Summer. And Cher, you'll come with me.

Cher:
Actually, you can take Wilshire to Canon, and that turns into Benedict.

Elton:
Well then she'd have to go back south, and I'm already going north.

Cher:
But you could take Tai on your way up to Sunset.

Elton:
That doesn't make any sense. I'd have to get off the freeway. I hate that. Tai, go with Summer. Cher, you'll come with me. Watch your feet.

Cher:
Didn't Tai look cute tonight?

# Away?

# Turn away?

# Turn away?

Cher:
I really love her hair when it's all wild, you know? It's also very pretty when it's all up with that curly tendrils, like in that picture I took.

Elton:
You know, you're one of my best friends, and I do not have friends that are girls.

Cher:
Well, I'm glad, because your happiness means a lot to me.

Elton:
It does?

Mel:
Sure. I mean I saw how hard your breakup with Folette was.

Elton:
Yeah. I think we both know what it feels like to be lonely.

Cher:
Whatever. The thing is, I'd really like to see you settled already. Where are we going?

Elton:
I knew it. I knew it.

Cher:
Ugh you knew what?

Elton:
That you were totally sprung on me.

Cher:
Hello? Don't you mean Tai?

Elton:
Tai?

Cher:
Her picture's in your locker.

Elton:
The picture you took is in my locker.

Cher:
Oh, I'm having a Twin Peaks experience.

Elton:
I knew it I knew it when you kissed me.

Cher:
Suck and blow is a game, Elton.

Elton:
I know.

Cher:
Stop it!

Elton:
Fine. You know, I don't get you, Cher. You flirt with me all year...

Cher:
As if! I have been trying to get you together with Tai!

Elton:
Tai? Why would I go with Tai?

Cher:
Why not?

Elton:
Why not? WHY NOT? Don't you even know who my father is?

Cher:
Ugh, you are a snob and a half.

Elton:
Cher, listen to me. Me and Tai...we don't make any sense. All right?

Elton:
Me and... and you...well, I mean...it makes sense.

Cher:
Cut it out!

Elton:
Come on!

Cher:
Stop it!

Elton:
Cher! Where you going? You're only hurting yourself here, baby. Come on. You going to walk home? Get back in the car, please. Get back in the car.

Cher:
Leave me alone!

Elton:
Fine!

Cher:
Hey! Where are you going? Oh, sh*t!

Call Operator:
Valley information.

Cher:
Ya do you have a number of a cab company?

Call Operator:
Which one?

Cher:
I don't know. What do you have?

Robber:
Hand it over. Give me the phone. O.K. The bag, too. Come on! All right. Now, uh... get down on the ground face down. Come on!

Cher:
Oh, no. You don't understand. This is an Alaia.

Robber:
An a-what-a?

Cher:
It's, like, a totally important designer.

Robber:
I will totally shoot you in the head. Get down! That's good. Yeah. All right. Um...Count to 100. Thank you.

Cher:
1...2... 3...The evening had turned into a royal mess...sexually harassed, robbed. I didn't know the number of the party, so I couldn't call Dionne, and Daddy would kill me if he knew where I was. There was just one person left to call, and I really, really didn't want to call him.

Josh:
Come on. Hello?

Cher:
Josh, you busy?

Heather:
Who is it?

Josh:
It's Mel's daughter.

Cher:
So ok I was at this party, and my designated driver tried to attack me. So I got out, but then he drove off and deserted me. Then this guy with a gun held me up, took my money and my phone, and he yelled at me, and forced me to ruin my dress.

Josh:
O.K. O.K. Um, where are you?

Cher:
Sun Valley.

Josh:
Man, you owe me.

Heather:
The man is ridiculous. He doesn't have one unique thought in his little, puny brain.

Josh:
I think that there's some merit in learning form straight off.

Heather:
Oh, Josh, please! He's taken our minds at the most fecund point and restrained them before they've wandered through the garden of ideas. It's just like Hamlet said, To thine own self be true.

Cher:
No. Hamlet didn't say that.

Heather:
I think that I remember Hamlet accurately.

Cher:
Well, I remember Mel Gibson accurately, and he didn't say that. That Polonius guy did.

Josh:
Ha ha ha! I'm going to walk Heather to her door. Try and stay out of trouble.

Cher:
Ew! My life is turning into a bigger disaster than Malibu. I didn't know what I was going to say to Tai. I felt really nervous. And even Fabian, my masseuse, said I had a lot of tension in my back.

Tai:
It's my hips, isn't it?

Dionne:
No, of course not.

Tai:
Yes

Cher:
Don't be stupid. You could do so much better.

Dionne:
He thinks he's all that, Tai.

Cher:
Yeah. God's gift.

Dionne:
You're too good for him.

Tai:
If I'm too good for him, then how come I'm not with him?

Cher:
I have got an idea. Let's blow off seventh and eighth, go to the mall, have a calorie fest, and see the new Christian Slater.

Dionne:
Yes!

Tai:
Oh, you guys!

Dionne:
Look at him. Ooh, baby.

Tai:
Break me off a piece of that. Ha ha ha!

Cher:
Survey says?

Tai:
Doable.

Dionne:
Puny. I like them big.

Cher:
Oh, I hate muscles.

Tai:
I don't really care either way. Just as long as his you-know-what isn't crooked. I really hate that.

Cher:
What?

Dionne:
Shh! Don't scare her.

Tai:
Why? What's wrong?

Dionne:
Cher is saving herself for Luke Perry.

Tai:
Cher, you're a virgin?

Cher:
God! You say it like it's a bad thing.

Dionne:
Besides, the PC term is hymenally challenged.

Cher:
I am just not interested in doing it until I find the right person. You see how picky I am about my shoes. They only go on my feet.

Tai:
Ya

Cher:
And you're one to talk, Dee.

Tai:
Oh, wait a minute here wait! I thought that you and Murray were...

Dionne:
My man is satisfied. He's got no cause for complaints. But technically, I am a virgin.

You know what I mean.

Tai:
Oh, God.

Cher:
What's wrong, Tai?

Tai:
They're playing our song... The one that Elton and I danced to.

Cher:
Oh.

# Rollin' with the homies?

Dionne:
Oh, Tai.

Cher:
Don't cry.

Tai:
I'm sorry.

Dionne:
Oh, my gosh. Stop!

Cher:
I could tell Tai's grieving period would be considerable, unless I found someone to take Elton's place right away. I don't want to be a traitor to my generation nd all , but I don't get how guys dress today. It looks like they just fell out of bed and put on some baggy pants and take their greasy hair... Ugh! And cover it up with a backwards cap, and, like, we're expected to swoon? I don't think so. Searching for a boy in high school is as useless as searching for meaning in a Pauly Shore movie.

Mr. Hall:
So this must be the elusive Christian.

Christian:
Where should I park?

Mr. Hall:
There's one. Third back.

Cher:
O.K. O.K. Now, I know I said I would find a guy for Tai, but I suppose there's no harm in finding one for myself also.

Christian:
Nice stems.

Cher:
Thanks.

Mr. Hall:
Cher?

Cher:
Present.

Mr. Hall:
I guess we established that during attendance. It's time for your oral.

Cher:
Excuse me?

Mr. Hall:
Your original oral. The topic is violence in the media.

Cher:
Oh! So, O.K. The attorney general says there's too much violence on TV, and that should stop. Even if you took out all the violent shows, you could still see the news. So until mankind is peaceful enough not to have violence on the news, there's no point in taking it out of shows that need it for entertainment value. Thank you.

Mr. Hall:
Any comments? Elton?

Elton:
My foot hurts. Can I go to the nurse?

Mr. Hall:
Travis?

Travis:
Two very enthusiastic thumbs up. Fine holiday fun.

Amber:
Hello? Was I the only one listening? I mean, I thought it reeked.

Cher:
I believe that was your designer impostor perfume.

Christian:
I dug it.

Cher:
During the next few days, I did what any normal girl would do. I sent myself love letters and flowers and candy, just so he'd see how desired I was in case he didn't already know.

# He got the finest face I ever seen?

# And the body to go with it?

# I'm telling you, he's mean?

# And my girlfriends be telling me?

# They be seeing him and he be asking about me?

Cher:
And anything you can do to draw attention to your mouth is good. Also, sometimes you have to show a little skin. This reminds guys of being naked, and then they think of sex.

Christian:
Hey, Duchess?

Cher:
Yes?

Christian:
You rashin' this weekend?

Cher:
Huh?

Christian:
Like Saturday. I'm new, but I thought maybe you had an in on the heavy clambakes.

Cher:
Well, my ex-stepbrother's friends are having a party.

Christian:
Solid.

Cher:
Daddy had an urgent case. Some clerks and Josh helped him go through a gazillion depositions. Daddy!

Mel:
What?

Cher:
I can't open it. I have to make him wait!

Mel:
Then he can wait outside.

Cher:
Josh, please! Come on, Josh! Come on!

Christian:
What do you hear?

Josh:
She's not ready.

Christian:
Hey, man. Nice pile of bricks you got here.

Mel:
You drink?

Christian:
No, thanks. I'm cool.

Mel:
I'm not offering. I'm asking you if you drink. You think I'd give alcohol to teenage driver taking my daughter out?

Christian:
The protective vibe. I dig.

Mel:
You think the death of Sammy Davis left an opening in the Rat Pack?

Cher:
Christian.

Christian:
Doll face.

Cher:
Handsome.

Christian:
Stunning.

Josh:
You're not letting her go out like that, are you?

Mel:
Cher, get in here.

Cher:
What's up?

Mel:
What the hell is that?

Cher:
A dress.

Mel:
Says who?

Cher:
Calvin Klein.

Mel:
It looks like underwear. Go upstairs and put something over it.

Cher:
Tscha! I was just going to.

Mel:
Hey, you. Anything happens to my daughter, I got a. 45 and a shovel. I doubt anybody would miss you.

Cher:
Bye, Daddy. Come on. Oh, it's so killer!

Christian:
Thank you. Your dad is pretty scary.

Cher:
Isn't he?

Christian:
You like Billie Holiday?

Cher:
I love him.

Christian:
Right.

# Who do you think is coming to town?

# You'll never guess who?

# Lovable, hugable...?

Josh:
I didn't like him.

Mel:
What's to like?

Josh:
Maybe I should go to the party.

Mel:
If you feel like you should go...

Josh:
You don't need me, do you?

Mel:
No, no. Josh, go to the party. Go, go, go.

Josh:
O.K. Uh... I'll watch her for you.

Mel:
O.K. You do that.

# There was a place?

# And the name of the place escapes me?

# When I can't remember, it irritates me?

# Could be I can't remember?

# Could be I choose to not?

# Let's move along the song and try to find the plot?

# There was a girl?

# And I don't know her name, either?

# She gave me love, and I said I'd never leave her?

# And if I did, I'd come back someday and find her?

# Maybe I will, I should write up a reminder?

# One day?

# One day, who knows?

# Someday?

# Someday I suppose...?

Cher:
Tai!

Tai:
Whoa!

Cher:
Oh, my God! Tai, are you O.K.?

Tai:
Sh*t! That is so embarrassing!

Cher:
No one saw it.

Tai:
Now all night long, I'll be known as that girl who fell on her butt.

Random Party Guy: Wow! Are you O.K.? That looked really bad.

Tai:
Yeah. Thanks. Oh, my God, Cher. Look. He's going with Amber?

Cher:
No. He's probably just dancing with her.

Tai:
Do you think she's pretty?

Cher:
No. She's a Monet.

Tai:
What's a Monet?

Cher:
It's like the paintings, see? From far away, it's O.K. Up close, it's a big old mess. Christian, what do you think of Amber?

Christian:
Hagsville.

Cher:
See?

Christian:
They're charging for brewskies. Pass me a fin, I'll pay you back?

Cher:
Sure.

Christian:
Thanks.

Tai:
Oh, he's so cute.

Cher:
Oh, my God. Do you see how he's falling in love with me? I mean, look how he ignores every other girl. Oh, God, look. There's Josh. He finds the only adult in here, like he's deliberately trying to not have fun.

Tai:
Cher, I have a question. What should I do with this thing? Should I tie it around or put it over...

Cher:
Tie it around your waist.

Christian:
Ready to slide?

Cher:
Let's go.

# Where did you go?

# Where did you go?

# Where did you go?

# Where did you go?

# Where did you go?

# You played a tape I couldn't hear?

# Emptiness began to roam, and where did you go?

Cher:
The band was kickin', and Christian was the hottest guy there. But my enjoyment was put on pause when I saw how unhappy Tai was.

#... Wish you sent me this would end?

# Wrote a note, then tore it up?

# Poured the beer into a cup, sat on the couch?

# Drank and smoked, wondering where did you go...?

Josh:
Hi. I think we were born to move.

Cher:
Look! Josh is dancing with Tai! He never dances!

Christian:
I can see why.

Cher:
No. He's doing her a prop so she won't be left out.

Christian:
Oh, I dig you.

# Get on the floor, and let's dance some more?

# Get on the floor, and let's dance some more?

# Get on the floor, and let's dance some more?

# Get on the floor, and let's dance some more?

Josh:
How are you guys holding up?

Cher:
I am so ready to leave.

Tai:
I'm tired.

Cher:
Let's get Christian and go. Christian! You want to go?

Christian:
Now? These guys got the skinny on the happening after hours.

Cher:
My trainer's coming really early.

Josh:
I can take the girls home.

Christian:
No. That's all right. Thanks.

Josh:
No. It's fine. Stay.

Christian:
You sure?

Josh:
Yeah, sure.

Christian:
Thanks, man. You got my mark. You are a down girl. I'll call you tomorrow.

Cher:
It was really decent of you to dance with Tai.

Josh:
My pleasure.

Cher:
You notice any positive changes in her?

Josh:
Yeah. Under your tutelage, she's exploring the challenging world of bare midriffs. So you didn't want to make a night of it with the ring-a-ding kid?

Cher:
Daddy won't go too ballistic. It's not like he'll sleep.

Josh:
Not if they're going to finish those depos.

Cher:
It would be dope if we got some really delicious take-out. I bet they haven't eaten all night.

Josh:
That would be pretty... dope of us. Let's do it.

Cher:
The midnight snack totally revived the lawyers, and Daddy was way grateful. Eat oranges. Get Vitamin C. Daddy, no!

Mel:
Cher, come on.

Cher:
You can't have that. I know it sounds mental, but sometimes I have more fun vegging out than when I go partying. Maybe because my party clothes are so binding.

Josh:
How many hours a day do you spend grooming yourself?

Cher:
Some people aren't lucky enough to be as naturally adorable as you are.

Josh:
Stop it. You're making me blush.

Cher:
Hello.

Gail:
Hi, Cher. How are you?

Cher:
Hi, Gail.

Gail:
Is my son there, cleaning out your refrigerator?

Cher:
No, no, he's not here. You should try the dorms.

Gail:
All right. Bye, hon.

Cher:
Bye-bye. What was that all about?

Josh:
She wants me to come home for spring break.

Cher:
So? Nobody will be in school.

Josh:
Husband number four's at home, and his idea of acting like a family is to criticize me.

Cher:
You're going to roam around campus by yourself?

Josh:
I don't mind.

Cher:
That is stupid. Come here. Have your old room. There will be some great parties.

Josh:
No.

Cher:
Why not?

Josh:
You got your whole social world going on. I'd get in the way.

Cher:
You won't be in the way.

Josh:
How much fun would it be having a brother-type tagging along?

Cher:
Josh, you're not my brother.

Josh:
You know what I mean.

Cher:
Come on. You need some excitement in your life. It will replenish you for your finals.

Josh:
O.K.

Cher:
Good.

Josh:
I can't believe I'm taking advice from someone who watches cartoons.

TV:
Be quiet, you idiot!

Cher:
That's Ren & Stimpy. They're way existential.

Josh:
Do you have any idea what you're talking about?

Cher:
No. Why, do I sound like I do?

Josh:
Ha ha!

Cher:
Christian said he'd call the next day. In boy time, that meant Thursday. You can imagine my astonishment to hear from him while I was packing Daddy up. He said he'd come over with some videotapes. A night alone with Christian? I sent for reinforcements. Then Dee and I had to design a lighting concept. And costume decisions. I don't rely on mirrors, so I always take Polaroids.

# And you're the one I've always planned to be...?

Cher:
Whenever a boy comes, you should always have something baking.

# I believe I'm you?

# Yes, I do?

# I believe I'm you?

# You know it's true?

Cher:
Oh... I'm still all red!

Dionne:
I'm trying to make you as white as I can, Cher. Look, you're all flushed. You have to calm down, O.K.?

Cher:
Calm. You know, I am so glad I never did it with someone I had lukewarm feelings for because Christian is brutally hot, and I am going to remember tonight forever.

Dionne:
Blot.

Cher:
Hi.

Christian:
Is something burning?

Cher:
Oh, my God! Oops.

Christian:
Aw, honey, you baked.

Cher:
I tried.

Christian:
Come on. Show me the rest of your pad. Your father has a well-rounded collection.

Cher:
Daddy says it's a good investment.

Christian:
He's absolutely right. Claes Oldenburg.

Cher:
He's way famous.

Christian:
Ooh. But this is older, see? Transitional. A very important piece.

Cher:
Um, you want to go swimming?

Christian:
Mmm. Let's watch the movies.

Cher:
Oh, O.K. Christian had a thing for Tony Curtis, so he brought over Some Like It Hot and Sparatacus.

TV:
Singer of songs. For whom did you practice this wondrous talent? For the children of my master, whom I also taught the classics. Classics, indeed? What position have we, I wonder, for a boy of such varied gifts? You shall be my body servant. All of you, come with me.

Cher:
My feet are cold. Huh. Thanks.

Christian:
Oh, watch this part. This is good. Are you O.K.?

Cher:
Uh, I'm fine. Um, do you want some... something to drink? I could get you some wine.

Christian:
No. You notice how wine makes people want to feel, like, sexy?

Cher:
Well, that's O.K.

Christian:
I'm actually getting tired.

Cher:
But I can make you some coffee if you'd like.

Christian:
Oh, no, thanks. Got the ulcer.

Cher:
But you had all those cappuccinos before.

Christian:
Oh. Well, you know, that was, like, uh, foam. You're great. We're friends, right?

Cher:
Yeah.

Christian:
Knock me a little kiss. See you.

Cher:
I don't get it. Did my hair get flat? Did I stumble into some bad lighting? What's wrong with me?

Dionne:
Nothing. Maybe he really was tired. I suppose it wasn't meant to be. He does dress better than I do. What would I bring to the relationship?

Murray:
Get back into the right lane...What's the first thing you do?

Dionne:
First thing I do is put on my blinker.

Murray:
Oh, wait. Sh*t. Watch the road!

Dionne:
Stop. Then I look in my mirror. O.K. Then I glance at my blind spot.

Murray:
With your head, not the whole car! I swear to God. I swear to God, woman! You can't drive for sh*t!

Dionne:
I'm not trying to hear that.

Murray:
Hear me! You...

Cher:
Actually, going all the way is, like, a really big decision. I can't believe I was so capricious about it. Dee, I almost had sex with him.

Murray:
You almost had sex with who?

Cher:
Christian.

Murray:
What? Yo, look! Are you b*tches blind or something? Your man Christian is a cake boy.

Dionne:
A what?

Cher:
A what?

Murray:
He's a disco-dancing, Oscar-Wilde-reading, Streisand ticket-holding friend of Dorothy.

Cher:
Uh-uh. No way.

Murray:
He's gay.

Cher:
Not even.

Murray:
Yes, even.

Dionne:
He does like to shop, Cher, and the boy can dress.

Cher:
Oh, my God. I'm totally buggin'. I feel like such a bonehead.

Murray:
What the hell? Yo! You're getting on the freeway! Turn right! Get out of the lane! No, no! Forget procedure! Get out of the lane! Truck! Truck! Truck!

Dionne:
We're on the freeway! What do I do, Murray?

Murray:
Go straight! Go straight! Go straight! Oh, sh*t! Just relax and drive, baby. Just relax and drive.

Dionne:
O.K.

Murray:
I'm here with you. I'm here with you.

Dionne:
Shut up! Aah!

Murray:
Whatever you do, keep your hands on the wheel at all times!

Dionne:
Aah!

Murray:
Look, just go!

Dionne:
Aah!

Murray:
Go to the right! Oh, there it is. All right, we're off. Woo! Damn. You did wonderful. It's all right, baby. Relax, relax, relax. Honey, relax. Baby, relax. Breathe, breathe. Breathe in. Breathe. Let it out. Breathe, breathe, breathe. Relax, relax.

Cher:
Boy, getting off the freeway makes you realize how important love is. After that, Dionne's virginity went from technical to nonexistent. I realized how much I wanted a boyfriend of my own. Not that Christian wasn't a blast to hang out with. He was becoming one of my favorite shopping partners.

Christian:
So was the red. Um, where's Tai?

Cher:
She met some random guys at the Foot Locker and escorted them right over there.

Tai:
Oh, my God! Did you...

Cher:
I don't know where she meets these Barneys.

Christian:
I have a question, all right? What? The jacket...Is it James Dean or Jason Priestley?

Cher:
Carpe diem, O.K.? You looked hot in it.

Christian:
Really?

Tai:
If I fall, would you guys catch me?

Cher:
Could they please be more generic?

Tai:
Aah! Stop it! Please! Bring me back up! Aah! Let me down! Thank you.

Christian:
You a**hole!

Mall Guy #1:
Hey, man, we're just joking.

Christian:
Oh, really? Somebody could get killed.

Tai:
Oh, my God. Cher, you don't understand. I was sitting there. I was just talking to those guys. All of a sudden, we were laughing and...

Christian:
Hey, you O.K.?

Tai:
Y- yeah.

Christian:
You sure?

Tai:
I'm fine. Uh-huh.

Christian:
Let's get you home for some R and R.

Tai:
What's that?

Cher:
Boy, considering how clueless she was, Tai certainly had that damsel-in-distress act down. Meanwhile, back at school, everyone was talking about Tai's brush with death at the mall.

Boy at Lunch #1:
Was it a montage of all the scenes in your life?

Tai:
Not exactly a montage.

Summer:
Hey, Cher, is it true gang members tried to shoot Tai?

Cher:
No.

Summer:
That's what everyone's saying.

Cher:
Whatever.

Boy at Lunch #1:
When I was 9, I fell off this jungle gym. I swear I saw this...

Tai:
Will you move down for Cher?

Boy at Lunch #1:
Tell me more. Tell me more.

Tai:
Where was I?

Amber:
You were thinking about what was really important.

Tai:
Oh, right, right. Right before you die, your mind just sort of gets very clear. It's a very intense spiritual thing.

Cher:
I know when I was held at gunpoint...

Boy at Lunch #1:
Excuse me. You were saying?

Tai:
It's spiritual. I can't pinpoint the spirituality. If you've never experienced anything...

Cher:
Tai, I was planning on going to Tower and getting something for Christian.

Tai:
Uh-huh.

Cher:
Like some kind of present or something. You want to come?

Tai:
Sure. I owe him my life.

Cher:
I'll get you after school.

Tai:
Yeah. Not today. I'm going over to Melrose with Amber.

Amber:
We're going to Melrose.

Cher:
Oh. Well, how about tomorrow?

Tai:
Do you think we could do it next Monday? My week's filling up fast here.

Dionne:
When we got back from the IHOP, it was 8:00.

Tai:
Here comes your boyfriend.

Travis:
Tai, check it out.

Dionne:
Ew!

Tai:
Ew!

Travis:
Hey, could you shove down a little bit?

Tai:
No. Don't the slackers prefer that grassy knoll over there?

Dionne:
Tai, so anyway, have you ever done it in water?

Tai:
Oh, yeah.

Dionne:
Really?

Cher:
What was happening? Dionne asking Tai for sex advice? Tai being the most popular girl in the school? It was like some sort of alternate universe. On top of everything else, I was going to take the driving test, so I had to find my most responsible-looking ensemble. Where's my white collarless shirt? Lucy, where's my shirt?

Lucy:
Probably at the cleaner.

Cher:
Oh, but today's the driving test. It's my most capable-looking outfit.

Lucy:
O.K., I call them.

Cher:
Oh, it's too late now. Oh, we got another notice from the fire department, saying we have to clear out the bush. You said Jose would do it.

Lucy:
He your gardener. You tell him.

Cher:
Lucy, I don't speak Mexican.

Lucy:
I not a Mexican!

Cher:
Great. What was that all about?

Josh:
Lucy's from El Salvador.

Cher:
So?

Josh:
It's an entirely different country.

Cher:
What does that matter?

Josh:
You get upset if someone thinks you live below Sunset.

Cher:
So everything is all my fault. I'm always wrong, right?

Josh:
You're such a brat.

Cher:
I had an overwhelming sense of ickyness. Even though I apologized to Lucy, something was still plaguing me. Like Josh thinking I was mean was making me postal.

Driving Test Administrator: Move into the right lane.

Cher:
Anyway, why should I care what Josh thinks? Why was I letting it throw me into such turmoil?

Driving Test Administrator: Watch out for the bike rid...

Cher:
Oops! My bad.

Driving Test Administrator: What are you doing? You can't take up both lanes. Get in the right lane. Not so...

Cher:
Ooh! Should I write them a note?

Driving Test Administrator: Pull over up here and turn off the engine. Right there.

Cher:
Oh! Are you going to take me somewhere to make left-hand turns?

Driving Test Administrator: We're going back.

Cher:
It's over?

Driving Test Administrator: It's over.

Cher:
Well, how did I do?

Driving Test Administrator: How did you do? Well, let's see, shall we? You can't park, you can't switch lanes, you can't make right-hand turns, you've damaged private property, and you almost killed someone. Offhand, I'd say you failed.

Cher:
Failed? Well, can't we just start over? I mean, I'm kind of having a personal problem. My mind was somewhere else. That biker came out of nowhere! Oh! I swear I'll concentrate! I drive really good, usually. Isn't there somebody else I can talk to? You can't be the absolute and final word in driver's licenses.

Driving Test Administrator: Girlie, as far as you're concerned, I'm the messiah of the DMV. Now, get out of the car.

Cher:
I can't believe I failed. I failed something I couldn't talk my way out of?

Josh:
Go ahead, yeah. Put your legs into me. Hey, you're home. How does it feel to have a license?

Cher:
I wouldn't know. I failed.

Josh:
Oh. Bummer.

Cher:
And, Josh, spare me your lectures on how driving is such a big responsibility and you can't B.S. your way through it.

Josh:
I didn't say anything.

Cher:
I know what you're thinking. I got to tell you something.

Tai:
I'm really sorry about your test. I am so glad you're here. There's something I got to do. I need you here. Does this work?

Cher:
Yeah. What is this stuff?

Tai:
A bunch of junk that reminded me of Elton. I want to burn it because I'm so over him.

Cher:
What stuff?

Tai:
Do you remember when we were at the Val party and the clog knocking me out and Elton got a towel of ice? I didn't tell you at the time, but I took the towel as a souvenir.

Cher:
You're kidding.

Tai:
No. And then...remember that song that was playing when we danced? Remember that? You know, Rollin' With The Homies. Anyways, I got the tape, right? I listened to it, like, every single night.

Cher:
Don't burn that, O.K.? Tai, I'm really happy for you, but what brought on this surge of empowerment?

Tai:
It's, like, I met this guy who's so totally amazing that he makes Elton look like a loser.

Cher:
That is so great.

Tai:
Look, you've got to help me get Josh.

Cher:
Get Josh what?

Tai:
You know what I mean? I like him.

Cher:
Do you think that he likes you?

Tai:
Yeah.

Cher:
How do you know?

Tai:
Like, little things, you know? Like, he always finds some sort of way to touch me or tickle me. Do you remember the time at the frat when I was totally depressed? We danced, and he was really flirty. You O.K.?

Cher:
Yeah. Oh, actually...I was really bad today. I had two mochaccinos. I feel like ralphing.

Tai:
I know exactly how that feels. Like, the other day, I was talking to Josh, and we were discussing the difference between high school girls and college girls. College girls wear less makeup. That's why guys like them more.

Cher:
But, Tai, do you really think you'd be good with Josh? I mean, he's, like, a school nerd.

Tai:
Am I some sort of a mentally challenged airhead?

Cher:
No! Not even! I didn't say that.

Tai:
I'm not good enough for Josh or something?

Cher:
I... I just... don't think you mesh well together.

Tai:
You don't think that we mesh well? Why am I even listening to you to begin with? You're a virgin who can't drive.

Cher:
Oh, that was way harsh, Tai.

TaI:
All right. Look, I'm really sorry. Let's just talk when we've mellowed, all right? I'm Audi.

Cher:
What did I do? I've created some sort of a monster. I could feel the chunks start to rise up in my throat. I had to get out.

# When I was young?

# I never needed anyone?

Cher:
Everything I think and everything I do is wrong. I was wrong about Elton. I was wrong about Christian. Now Josh hated me. It all boiled down to one inevitable conclusion...I was just totally clueless. Oh, and this Josh and Tai thing was wiggin' me more than anything. What was my problem? Tai is my pal. I don't begrudge her a boyfriend. I really... Ooh! I wonder if they have that in my size. What does she want with Josh anyway? He dresses funny. He listens to complaint rock. He's not even cute...in a conventional way. I mean, he's just like this slug who hangs around the house all the time. And he's a hideous dancer. Couldn't take him anywhere. Wait a second. What am I stressing about? This is, like, Josh.

# All by myself?

Cher:
O.K., O.K., so he's kind of a Baldwin. What would he want with Tai? She couldn't make him happy. Josh needs someone with imagination, someone to take care of him, someone to laugh at his jokes...in case he ever makes any. Then suddenly... Oh, my God. I love Josh. I am majorly, totally, crazy in love with Josh. But now I don't know how to act around him. I mean, ordinarily, I'd strut around him in my cutest little outfits and send myself flowers and candy, but I couldn't do that stuff with Josh.

Josh:
What's with you?

Cher:
What do you mean?

Josh:
You're so quiet. You haven't made me watch The Real World.

Cher:
I care about the news.

Josh:
Since when?

Cher:
Since now.

TV:
...In Central Bosnia.

Josh:
You look confused.

Cher:
Well, uh, I thought they declared peace in the Middle East.

Mel:
Cher, get in here!

Cher:
What's up, Daddy?

Mel:
What are you doing dancing in front of my office?

Cher:
Nothing. I just wanted to see if you need any help with anything.

Mel:
Yeah, you can help me with something. Come over here.

Cher:
All right.

Mel:
Every time that you see a telephone conversation that took place on September 3rd, highlight it.

Cher:
Just September 3rd. O.K.

Mel:
It's fun, huh?

Cher:
Yeah. O.K. Daddy, did you ever have a problem that you couldn't argue your way out of?

Mel:
Tell me the problem, and we'll figure out how to argue it.

Cher:
I like this boy, and he likes someone else.

Mel:
How could that be?

Cher:
I don't know. I feel wretched.

Mel:
Obviously, this boy is a complete moron. You are the most beautiful girl in Beverly Hills. And to tell you the truth, I'm not sure I want you with a stupid fellow.

Cher:
Well, actually, he is a smart guy. He's one of those do-gooder types. I feel like my after school commitments aren't good enough.

Mel:
How can you say that? Who takes care of everyone in this household? Who makes sure that Daddy eats right? I have not seen such good-doing since your mother.

Cher:
Really?

Mel:
Really. Now, get back to work.

Cher:
Later, while we were learning about the Pismo Beach disaster, I decided I needed a complete makeover, except this time, I'd makeover my soul. But what makes somebody a better person? Then I realized all my friends were good in different ways. Like Christian, he always wants things to be beautiful and interesting. Or Dionne and Murray, when they think no one is watching, are so considerate of each other. And poor Miss Geist, always trying to get us involved no matter how much we resist.

Mrs. Geist:
Oh. That's just...That doesn't even show...Every single possession, every memory, everything you've had your whole life gone in a second. Can you imagine what that must feel like? Elton?

Elton:
Can I use the pass?

Mrs. Geist:
Yeah. We'll be collecting blankets, disposable diapers, uh, canned goods.

Cher:
Miss Geist?

Mrs. Geist:
Cher?

Cher:
I want to help.

Mrs. Geist:
That would be wonderful.

Cher:
I felt better already. Daddy!

Mel:
What?

Cher:
You didn't like that red caviar, did you?

Mel:
What's she talking about?

Cher:
Ew!

Mel:
Cher, what are you doing?

Cher:
I'm captain of the Pismo Beach disaster relief.

Mel:
I don't think they need your skis.

Cher:
Daddy, some people lost all their belongings. Don't you think that includes athletic equipment?

Mel:
This is your influence, Josh?

# Shake, some action's what I need?

# To make a bus stop at full speed?

# And I'm sure that's all you'll need?

# To make it all right?

Cher:
...Really fun. It's so pretty.

Should I leave it here?

Cher:
Could you bring it to bedding? Thank you very much. Oh, Miss Geist, I need more boxes. They're all filled up.

Mrs. Geist:
Already? Great.

Cher:
I divided them into entrees and appetizers.

Mrs. Geist:
Oh. O.K. I'll have them picked up.

Travis:
Uh! Hey.

Cher:
Proper. This is really decent of you, Travis.

Travis:
Sure. I wasn't sure about that. I don't need it anymore, but far be it for me to deny anyone else. I'm sorry about your shoes.

Cher:
What shoes?

Travis:
The red ones with the strappy thing.

Cher:
Oh, those are so last-season.

Travis:
What made you think of them? It's one of my steps. I joined this club, and there are these steps. There's, like...

Cher:
12?

Travis:
Yeah. How did you know?

Cher:
Wild guess.

Travis:
Wow. Good guess. Uh, also, here.

Cher:
ASL.

Travis:
Amateur skateboarding league. This clarity thing, it's brought me to a whole new level. My skating...Would you come Saturday?

Cher:
Sure.

Travis:
Ah, cool.

Cher:
Ha ha! Well, um, I guess kitchenware?

Travis:
That's where I used to keep it.

Tai:
Hi. Cher, can I talk to you a minute?

Cher:
Um, sure.

Tai:
Look, I have been in agony for the past week. I can't believe I went off the way I did.

Cher:
No. I have been going down a shame spiral. I can't believe I was so unsupportive of your feelings for Josh.

Tai:
You're entitled to your opinion. I'm the tard here. Cher, you've been nothing but super-duper nice to me.

Cher:
If it wasn't for me, you wouldn't have liked Elton. I'm so sorry, Tai.

Tai:
I'm really sorry. Oh, sh*t. Now I'm going to go ahead and cry.

Cher:
Let's never fight again, O.K.?

Announcer:
Next up, number 14, Travis Birkenstock.

Cher:
Woo! All right, Travis! I had no idea he was so motivated.

Travis:
Oh, I did.

Cher:
When I saw the sparks between Tai and Travis, I knew Josh was out of the picture.

Josh:
You look like Pippi Longstocking.

Cher:
You look like Forrest Gump. Who's Pippi Longstocking?

Josh:
Uh, someone Mel Gibson never played.

Cher:
You're funny.

Attorney:
What happened to the August 28th files?

Josh:
Hmm? What?

Attorney:
Mel wanted them tonight. There were twice as many. He's going to go ballistic. Where are they?

Cher:
I think I checked them for the September 3rd conversations.

Attorney:
What? Where'd you put them?

Cher:
I divided them into two piles.

Attorney:
I have to redo all that. Are you some kind of idiot?

Josh:
Hey, she didn't know.

Attorney:
She just set us back a day. Who cares about the September call?

Cher:
I'm sorry.

Attorney:
Just forget it. Just go back to the mall or something.

Josh:
What's your problem, man? She didn't mean any harm.

Attorney:
I'll get killed 'cause she's a moron.

Josh:
She's not a moron. If you were paying attention, it wouldn't have happened.

Attorney:
If you hadn't have been playing footsie, she wouldn't be bothering me.

Josh:
What the hell are you talking about?

Attorney:
This is a multimillion dollar lawsuit, not some excuse for puppy love.

Josh:
We've worked our butts off on this case!

Attorney:
Do whatever you want with your butts. I'm calling in sick.

Cher:
Did I really ruin Daddy's lawsuit?

Josh:
No. Of course not.

Cher:
Well, did I set him back? I mean, there's so much work to be done, and he can't afford to lose that time.

Josh:
Don't worry. I'll take care of it. Your father won't lose any time. Can you imagine the nerve of that guy? I mean, making you worry like that. He's the one that screwed up. Then he goes and blames us. Imagine saying we were...you know.

Cher:
That's right. You've been very dedicated to this case.

Josh:
Yeah. Well, it was a good learning experience. At least for me. I want to be a lawyer. But you, I mean, you don't need to be doing this. Go out and have fun. Go shopping.

Cher:
You think that's all I do? I'm just a ditz with a credit card?

Josh:
No, no. That's not what I meant. It's just... um...Uh, th...You're... youngand beautiful and...

Cher:
And?

Josh:
And, uh, well, what?

Cher:
You think I'm beautiful?

Josh:
Mmm... yeah, a little. You know you're gorgeous, all right? And popular and, uh, and...but this is not why I come here. This is a good learning experience for me.

Cher:
You already said that.

Josh:
Mel. I want to help out Mel. He's the only one who cares about me.

Cher:
That's not true.

Josh:
He's not?

Cher:
No.

Josh:
Are you saying...you care about me?

Cher:
Josh. Well, you can guess what happened next. As if! I am only 16. This is California, not Kentucky.

Minister:
You may kiss the bride.

Tai:
I know that when I have my own wedding, I want this, like whole, entire floral motif,

like, very floral garlands.

Dionne:
No, no, no. When I get married, I'll have a sailor dress, but it will be a gown. My bridesmaids will wear sailor hats.

Murray:
They're planning our weddings already. Could you all stop that till death do us part mumbo jumbo? I'm completely buggin'.

Josh:
I'm buggin' myself.

Girls, she's about

to throw the bouquet!

Come on!

Josh:
We got a pool going to see whose girl gets the bouquet. It's up to $200.

Cher:
It's in the bag.

All right, come on, girls.

Hey! Over here! Over here!

# Seems like without tenderness, there's something missing?

# Tenderness?

# Where is the?

# Tenderness?

# Where is it?...?

# If I could see?

# Into your heart?

# Then would I know?

# Just where to start?

# 'Cause I'm lost?

# And I need to be found?

# Crazy as it sounds?

# I need you around?

# If I could stand?

# To be on my own?

# Then I would probably?

# Just leave you alone?

# But I'm gonna feel this way

till I'm 6 feet underground?

# Crazy as it sounds?

# I need you around?

# Turning?

# Tossing and turning?

# My love is burning me down?

# If I could change?

# One thing in this world?

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