Cobb Page #5

young man.

- I have final editorial

approval of your book.

- No, I do.

I always have it.

Did you read your contract?

It's my standard contract.

I wouldn't have agreed

if I didn't have final approval.

You better call your agent, boy, right now.

Better call your lawyer.

Wouldn't hurt to call your mother.

You're gonna need all three of them.

Play another one of your games.

You better call William and Morris.

Long distance, please.

Murray Hill, 65955.

Sterling? Al.

Sterling?

No, it's going great. Couldn't be better.

Look, quick question.

We didn't give away final editorial approval

on the Cobb book, did we?

Doesn't change anything?

What are you talking about?

Everything's just swell. Hunky-dory.

Everything's just fine.

Speak to you later. Bye.

You're pretty damn stupid

to give up editorial approval, aren't you?

Predatory bastard.

Think you're going to pick over my bones...

- you got another think coming.

- F*** you, Cobb.

F*** me? How come you're so mad at me?

Your publisher, your lawyer,

and your agent made the deal.

You didn't read the contract

because you're a very trusting soul.

Whoever heard of trusting

a lawyer or an agent?

If I was Al Stump, the man

I'd be pissed off at now would be Al Stump.

Listen to me, you son of a b*tch.

If you die before this book is finished...

I'll write the story I want.

I won't die before it's finished.

- I'll write slow.

- I'll die slow.

Get your clothes on.

We're going to go get some p*ssy.

for you're the lover I have waited for

You're the man that Fate had me created For

And every time your lips meet mine

Baby, down and down I go

Round and round I go

In a spin, loving the spin I'm in

Cigars? Cigarettes?

Mr. Cobb, what a pleasure.

I'll take that. Take their coats.

In a spin, loving the spin I'm in

Thank you.

- Watch your step.

- Get your hand off me.

I just stay away, but what can I do

- Guess they know you here.

- A little bit.

Cigars, cigarettes!

I'll bet you $100

I can get into her britches before dawn.

My God, it's Mona. Ramona.

We met her at the hotel, remember?

Young lady. Come on over here.

Good evening, gentlemen.

Cigars, maybe? We stockpiled Havanas

before Seor Castro did his little number.

Sure. Couple of Montecristos, please.

Number Two, Ramona.

- Have we met?

- Yes, at the hotel. Checking in.

You were the a**hole.

Excuse me, young lady.

I'll apologize for the manners of my friend.

He has a crude side.

I accept.

Ramona. That's a lovely name.

That's a Spanish name.

That means "moonlit garden of the gods,"

doesn't it?

It's German. It means "wise protectress."

But thanks for the thought.

Thanks for the tip.

Just a minute here.

I want to see all your cigars.

Keely, got something for you.

Thank you very much. We loves you, too.

You're a great crowd.

I've been informed

that we have a celebrity with us tonight.

A legend.

A man who truly needs no introduction.

I'm gonna play a little

trick on you, darling.

You watch this.

The one and only Ty Cobb.

Got you, didn't I?

Didn't think you'd be in show business,

did you, darling?

Come on here with me,

and we'll cut a rug up here!

Sweet Georgia Brown.

I don't think this is such a good idea.

I can't wait till she kisses me

Under the old green tree

"Moonlit garden of the gods. "

Since she came, it's a shame

how she cools 'em down

There are fellers she can't get

There are fellers she ain't met yet

Georgia named her, Georgia claimed her

Sweet Georgia Brown

Come on up here with Louis.

Come on, right here, darling. Love you.

They want you, Ty.

Of course they want me.

Sam, I see you over there now.

How you doing, baby?

How about this right here, baby?

She can't get

How about a little smooch?

You're very sweet. That's great, darling.

All right!

Sweet Georgia Brown!

This cat can really swing.

Help Louis welcome Mr. Ty Cobb.

It's a pleasure to meet you, Mr. Cobb.

I'm a big baseball fan,

so I always wanted to ask you a question.

With all the great players

playing ball right now...

how well do you think you'd do

against today's pitchers?

Against today's pitchers,

I'd probably hit only. 290.

That's amazing...

because you batted over .400

a whole bunch of times.

Now tell us all, we'd like to know...

why do you think you'd only hit .290?

I'm 72 f***ing years old,

you ignorant son of a b*tch, that's why.

Let me see this thing here.

first of all, I want to say

thank you for Sweet Georgia Brown.

A very fine song about my home state,

and I appreciate it.

That song has become the theme song

of the Harlem Globetrotters lately.

It's too bad such a fine song had to be

taken over by a bunch of n*ggers...

playing a f*ggot's game in their underwear.

That team is owned by a Jew

named Saperstein, so what do you expect?

Thank you very much, Mr. Cobb.

- Now let me explain-

- Thank you very much.

Let's have one more round of applause

for Mr. Ty Cobb.

Give me the damn microphone,

you daggone bastard.

Get this cracker off my stage.

Let me explain how to hit a baseball.

It's a lost art.

Ever since that half-n*gger Babe Ruth

started hitting home runs...

the skill, art and science of it

have been lost.

Let's say, for example...

- Tom Collins?

- Coming right up, Joanna.

It's you again.

Hey, I didn't get your friend's name.

Who is that?

That is Ty Cobb.

The greatest baseball player of all time.

Baseball, shmaseball

he should have been a dancer.

Gotta tell you, the guy likes to lead.

So hard to follow.

I haven't been spun around like that

for I don't know how long.

You and me both.

You are a beautiful woman.

It's the wig. Goddamn thing itches

but it's good for tips.

Give me a little scratch, will you?

Little faster.

Very nice.

Artie, another round. On him.

Ramona, you're still on the clock.

We have rules here.

You can't sit next to your hair.

Sit under your hair.

Gotta put your wig on.

My follicles need to breathe,

and my shift is over.

It's crooked. Your wig's crooked.

It's tilted too much.

- If you pick it up over the eyebrow-

- Does it bother you?

No, not at all.

I like it.

I suppose you want to take me to bed.

Is that right?

You want money?

I'm not a whore.

I don't know what you take me for.

- That's one of the most insulting things-

- I'm sorry.

I'm not very good at this.

Let me start over.

My name is Al Stump. I'm a writer.

I'm here on assignment.

- Divorced?

- Not yet.

What a stupid answer.

- Is it that obvious?

- It's written all over you.

If you want to pay me to screw, I won't.

- Then I won't.

- Pay or screw?

- Whatever.

- You don't wanna screw?

- I do.

- All this ambiguity.

I see why she's divorcing you.

I don't know what I am doing.

I'm just trying to speak my heart.

I asked my wife for a divorce.

She said, "Okay. "

Now I'm thinking, maybe I don't.

- Then go back to her.

- No.

Then quit crying.

You want a divorce,

you don't want a divorce?

You're asking marital advice from a woman

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