Cold Turkey Page #5

with Deborah

and baby princess.

Oh, God, this is so stupid.

I'm gonna try TJ again.

Sit down.

Why do you hate me

so much?

Are you actually smoking

in the house?

I don't hate you.

I guess all we ever wanted

was for you to give a sh*t

bout us.

I do.

Yeah, maybe now,

when it doesn't matter.

Wait, how are you not in jail

this morning?

Call the cops,

see if I care.

Okay.

Wanna call the cops, Jacob?

Let's do it.

No.

Why not?

- I dunno.

But she assaulted

your mother.

I know.

Well, that's f***ed up.

- I know.

At least ask Poppy

why he cheated.

Will you stop shouting at me?

Well no, she's right, actually.

Go on, ask him.

You don't want to, huh?

Why's that?

Lindsay, please.

Did you cheat on Missy

or something?

I dunno, did you cheat on TJ

or something?

Stop, both of you, please.

I never cheated on Hank!

I'm not a cheater.

Can we talk about the money now?

No.

No, let Jacob talk to Poppy.

I don't wanna talk to Poppy.

Tough.

Okay...

Why'd you do that to Mom?

I don't know, Jacob.

Whatever, who cares?

Deborah's in her room, she's

gone, we're a family again.

Now, let's talk about

the money.

Oh, that's right.

That's nice Nina.

you came home so we could be

this cozy family, right?

Let's talk about the money!

I don't even care about

the money anymore.

So what? I do.

Honestly, Jacob...

I'm sorry.

Sucks, huh, little bro?

I know I've got problems,

I know I drink too much,

I know I'm selfish sometimes,

I...

I- I'm sorry.

Are ya?

But I've always...

tried...

I- I did the best I could.

That's not true.

Yes, it is.

I think it is kinda true.

I love you all very deeply.

And even when

I don't show it..

I try to show it.

I think you need to try

harder.

Wait, why aren't you calling

the cops this morning?

On my own daughter?

Guys, are we gonna talk about

the money or...

Oh my God!

This is so insane!

It is so insane

that you're actually gonna

get away with this!

What? Look, look, okay?

Look!

See? I'm not doing anything.

Alright? This is nothing.

That woman is weak!

Now, let's talk

about the money!

You're so crazy.

Oh, I'm sorry, my bad.

Did you wanna talk

about your mother

some more? Okay.

First Poppy cheated on her,

then he said h was sorry,

then you didn't do anything.

Now she's gone,

and we're done with that.

Can we please talk about

the money?

Now... about the money issue.

You know, I will never forget

the day you guys told me

you were getting separated.

I must have been about Levi's

age, so, what...

9? And Nina must have

been about 6?

And uh...

We were downstairs

watching TV...

which we used to do a lot of,

'cause Poppy

was never around.

And we were watching the Miss

Teen USA pageant.

And I'll never forget,

whoever the host was was like...

"And the winner is... "

and suddenly

Mom came in and...

told us we had to go upstairs,

and we wed like,

"No, no, no!"

And she was like,

"Upstairs, now. "

And so, we went upstairs and...

Mom was sitting

on one of those...

low, white...

wooden stools.

And so was Poppy.

And...

then they just...

said...

"We've been talking...

and we've decided Poppy's not

gonna live here anymore. "

Did she say why?

I think there'd been this...

massive fight, like two days

earlier, and...

Mom had caught Poppy with one

of his students again...

I dunno, who was that, Poppy?

I honestly don't remember.

That's nice of you.

Anyway, they tell us this...

you know, big... thing.

And me and Nina were like...

"Um... okay...

Can we go back downstairs

and watch

Miss Teen USA now?"

'Cause, you know, you had to

see it live, or whatever.

It was just so f***in' awful.

Do you remember that, Nina?

No.

Lindsay, what do you want

from me?

Well...

You apologized, so I guess

that's a start.

I feel like I've spent

the last 30 years apologizing.

I feel like you and I

have different definitions

of the word apologizing.

You could stand up to your

wife, for one thing.

That's not fair.

- Oh, none of it's fair.

Yeah, but it's not her fault.

She's just trying her best.

Jesus, you people and your

trying your best.

You tried your best in Iraq,

didn't you?

And how'd that work out

for you?

I don't think the Iraq

analogy

pertains to this situation here,

Nina.

You don't get to say that,

I do!

I'm the one that gets to be

the recipient

of all your shitty

failed trying!

So I can use whatever analogy

I want!

Now, who are you giving

the money to?

Wait.

- Who?

Nina.

- Who?

There isn't any money.

I don't have any money.

I went to Iraq.

Stanford fired me.

Then they black-balled me.

Then the market crashed.

I don't have any money

for any of you.

I'm sorry.

Wow.

How are we just hearing about

this now?

Because it's none of

your business.

Really?

I didn't expect to be asked

for $300,000

over Thanksgiving weekend,

Nina, darling.

Who's paying for this house,

then?

I bought it cheap from a

friend of mine 30 years ago.

What about that trip to

France you and Deborah took?

Her mother paid for that.

Oh it's- it's okay, Jacob.

I can make a few calls,

you won't get kicked out of

law school.

They already kicked me out of

law school.

They found out about

the money weeks ago.

I got expelled.

I'm totally f***ed.

I've been trying to tell you

all weekend.

I'm sorry.

What am I gonna tell TJ?

Well, this just got

pointless.

See you guys

at Poppy's funeral.

Nina, don't.

- Oh, God. Let her go.

No! Get off of me.

Get off of me!

Don't call.

W- Nina, hold on!

Just let her go,

she's f***ing crazy!

Nina.

Nina, wait!

Whatcha doin', little bro?

I'm saving our family.

- Oh, really?

I think you should be more

worried about the whole

$228,000 in debt thing,

right about now.

No, I'm saving our family.

Jesus, have you been

practicing that

in front of the mirror?

No... yes.

Aw, Jacob...

Never lose your confidence,

little buddy.

Never lose

that insane confidence

your insane mother gave you

with her insane love.

It'll really serve you well.

Stop shitting on my mom,

okay?

That's the first thing.

Okay, you don't get to do that,

She's not your mom.

She's my mom.

Oh believe me,

I'm well aware of that.

And second thing is...

you need to be nicer.

Oh yeah?

- Yeah!

Well you need to call me more

often, you little sh*t.

You need to say thank you when

I send you presents

You need to take the hint

when I invite you to Arizona

like 3 times

in one phone conversation,

and not say, "Er, um,

I've got this thing,

I'm really busy. "

But instead say,

"Yes, I love you.

I'll be there tomorrow,

I just bought my plane ticket. "

You need to try harder!

I call you every Christmas.

Oh congratu-f***ing-lations,

just like the rest of you c*nts.

You do just enough

so that I look crazy

and so the rest of you

look sane,

and so you get to say,

"Oh, there goes crazy Nina!

There goes La Nia,

We tried, ya know?

We always try,

but I guess nothing

ever works out

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