Colin Quinn: The New York Story

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Young and pretty New York City girl

Twenty-five, 35,

hello, baby, New York City girl

You grew up ridin the subways,

running with people

Up in Harlem, down on Broadway

Youre no tramp, but youre no lady

Talkin that street talk

Youre the heart and soul

of New York City

And love

Love is just a passing word

Its the thought you had

In a taxi cab that got left

on the curb

-Thank you.

Thank you. Thank you, folks.

Folks, thank you. Thank you.

-All right. Stop, folks. Stop!

Stop it, folks. Folks.

-Enough.

Im not kidding. Ill stop the show.

-Ill stop the show.

Folks, Im not playing games.

Ill stop the show. Enough applause.

If you want exuberance--

This is a New York show. Its not--

Exuberance is the West Coast.

Thats my whole point.

Applause is killin this city.

Understand me?

The West Coast--

exuberant, enthusiastic people--

Thats what theyre supposed to be,

cause its paradise on earth.

So theyre happy and enthusiastic,

perpetually surprised

by everything that goes on.

Oh. The mountains, the beach. Ah.

Everything they do,

theyve done it a hundred times.

Its like the first time.

You wanna go to the store? Yeah!

Midwest-- Humble, hard workin.

They had to farm.

So they got that personality.

The South. Very hot. Very polite.

Overly polite because, you know,

could get a little violent

if youre not careful.

I dont know about you,

but I got a concealed carry permit myself.

New England, its like theyre always

gettin hit by mist from the water.

New York is New York.

Were what everybody says we are.

Rude, opinionated, pushy,

loud, fast-talking, sarcastic, wiseass.

But what people dont understand is,

whats rude to the rest of the country

is polite to us and vice versa.

Because, if I go to a pizza place,

and like, Gimme a slice.

-Thats polite. Because...

...youre not tryin to hold the line.

Theres a line.

Youre not tryin to slow--

If you go into a pizza place like,

Hi, how are you? You must be hot.

Thats rude. You know what Im sayin?

There's no stools.

They want you to walk and eat your food.

You have to fold your food and walk.

I remember once, when I was little kid,

we went to Maine.

On, like, a family vacation to Maine.

We go to the general store.

I wanted to kill myself in five minutes.

I was like-- You walk in, the guys like,

Oh, havent seen you around.

Sir, who cares? Gimme my--

What do you care? Give me my soda.

You... visiting?

No, I live here. Im just very shy.

Its my first day out of the house.

You new in town? No, Im the mayor.

I just got elected actually.

But, um, yeah.

New York, its always like somebodys

hurrying you somehow.

Its just a rushed kind of vibe.

But the thing is

it's a pedestrian city too.

Its a city for walkers, not cars.

Thats why youll notice

every car acts like a person,

and every person acts like a car.

Pedestrians are in charge.

They walk like they--

Youve seen it a hundred times. They

walk in the street, the cars just stop.

The drivers like, Ooh, I almost got hit

by that person. That was close.

Its just a rushed and hurried thing.

Even as a kid, in church:

Bless me, Father, for I have sinned.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. We know.

Come on. Hurry up.

Yeah, the New York personality, thats us.

So where-- Why did

the New York personality form?

How did all these cultures come together

to make the New York attitude?

Well, first of all, you have to realize,

all the people that came here

came here cause they were miserable

wherever they were.

So now, you know, you got a city filled

with miserable people, to begin with.

The first people were Lenape Indians.

The first people on Manhattan.

Thats according to them.

Youre takin their word, which is...

You know, they said they were first,

but what are you gonna do?

Say,

We killed the people here before us?

Of course youre gonna say

you were the first. And, um...

But lets just assume they were

the first people here.

Already, they had an attitude

to the other tribal people

cause they had all the seafood.

This was headquarters for all the seafood.

All the waterways.

Give em five bushels of clams,

give us 40 cartons of American Spirits.

You know--

Give em some beads, but get outta here.

Canarsies are like, Dont push me.

Canarsie Indians.

And Ramapough comin in from Jersey

on the weekend for some seafood.

And...

The Lenapes were kinda-- They smoked.

The only place to get tobacco

in the whole world was North America.

They invented smoking.

Already a New York vibe. Theyre smoking.

Standin up there.

Henry Hudson sees them standing there,

lookin at him over the cliffs.

Northern Manhattan. Lookin at him.

Smokin, shirtless. A little homoerotic.

Youre not imagining that.

Its kind of like--

Right away, its not a friendly--

When you think of the Dutch comin--

The Dutch-- pot, prostitution, Amsterdam.

This is not those Dutch.

This is, like, 1600s Dutch.

Everywhere they go, they take it.

And they show up with the navy,

so its already not--

When you showed up with the navy,

that was a statement back then.

Cause theres only four navies

in the whole world.

And the Lenape Indians dont have a navy.

Their navies are a couple

of strong swimmers, a couple of canoes.

So when Hollands like,

This is a beautiful place you got here.

Oh. Here it comes.

Its not for sale. Its not for sale.

I didnt say if it was for sale. Im just

sayin its beautiful. How about $26?

Theyre like, No. Twenty-five.

The guy doesnt understand-- No.

How about 24?

We better say yes.

Cause its gonna get lower than 24 soon.

The Dutch just took it.

They branded in those--

All those names are Dutch names.

Bronx is a Dutch word.

Harlem, Dutch word.

Bushwick, Dutch word.

Brooklyn is a Dutch word.

Stoop, Dutch word.

Yankees is a Dutch word.

The word f*** is a Dutch word.

I swear to God.

So if you see anyone

on a stoop in Brooklyn going,

F***ing Yankees, theyre speaking Dutch.

So. Now, you know...

You know, its true.

Its true as anything. Right?

Um... Its New York.

So now you got the smoking.

You got people saying f***.

Youre starting to get a formation

of a New York personality.

The surface, you know. But still...

But you still dont have

that attitude that we all--

Everybody from New York thinks

theyre better than everybody else.

Everybody, we think were smarter.

Not just rich people.

Poor people, middle-class--

This is the only city

that has blue-collar snobs. You know.

Take somebody, two years of high school,

put em in a room with MIT professors,

after an hour, youre like,

Whatd you think of them?

Theyre not New York. They dont...

You know.

Theyre-- Theyre educated.

I give em that. You know.

Theyre smart, but they dont get it.

They got their head up their ass.

No common sense, you know.

Yeah, we just think-- We go on vacation.

Everybody else goes on vacation to say,

Can you imagine if we lived here?

We go on vacation to tell people, Can

you imagine if you lived in New York?

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