Comedy Central Roast of Charlie Sheen

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All aboard!

We are high priests. Warlocks.

We're Vatican assassins.

This rock star

must make them weep.

I'm an f-18, bro.

I'm going off the rails

on a crazy train

I'm going off the rails

on a crazy train

This is the Comedy Central

Roast of Charlie Sheen,

brought to you

by Axe body spray

and FIFA Soccer 12.

And now, please welcome

your roastmaster,

Seth MacFarlane.

Ladies and gentlemen...

Thank you.

Thank you very much.

Good evening,

ladies and gentlemen.

I'm Seth MacFarlane,

and, yes, the big night

is finally here.

Welcome to the Comedy Central

Roast of Charlie Sheen.

Yes, we're here tonight

to honor and hopefully arrest

a man who was great

in two things 25 years ago,

Charlie Sheen.

Actually,

there's a lot of Sheen on TV

this evening

when this show airs.

Tonight on Two and a Half Men,

they're actually having

Charlie's pretend funeral,

believe it or not.

There's no need

to switch over, though.

Just wait a few months.

You can probably

see the real thing.

I mean, we all know

there's a good chance

Charlie will be dead soon,

so I wrote an o--

an obituary.

"Charlie Sheen,

who became a tabloid fixture

"due to his problems

with drugs and alcohol,

was found dead

in his apartment--"

Actually, you know what?

I kind of actually just copied

Amy Winehouse's obituary.

It's--it's--I only had

to change three things, though.

The sex of the deceased,

the location of the body,

and the part that says,

"a talent that will be missed."

We love Charlie!

All right.

So I know Tyson's

not gonna kick

the sh*t out of me.

That's good news.

So we're gonna take a few pokes

at him here tonight,

but there is no denying

that Charlie Sheen is an icon.

You've seen him on TV.

You've seen him in movies.

And if you're a prostitute,

you've seen him point

a gun at your face

while you try to get him hard.

Let's take a look back

at the work

that paid for all that cocaine.

Gentlemen...

He's back.

Hey, buddy.

And they're off and running.

Now cool off.

Oh, I am cool.

You should see me when I'm hot.

What are you looking at?

What are you smiling at, huh?

How many yachts

can you water-ski behind?

How much is enough?

- I am your daughter.

- No, you're not.

- Aah!

- Gah!

Are too, too, too, too, too...

Not, not, not, not, not, not...

"Are too" times ten.

Tiger blood.

Yes, it's real.

It's as real as me.

It's the eye of the tiger

it's the thrill

of the fight

rising up to the challenge

of our rivals

We got warrants!

We're the law!

- Golf clap?

- Golf clap.

And he's watching us

all with the eye

of the tiger

Some are saying

that you're bipolar.

I'm bi-winning.

Winning!

Charlie Sheen has got

to be on drugs again.

- Sure.

- Drugs?

I am on a drug.

It's called Charlie Sheen.

Reminder--

tiger blood.

With a shot

of tiger blood...

Winner, winner, chicken

dinner--I don't think so.

Winner, winner, Sheen dinner!

Winning.

Pretty [bleep] cool, huh?

Due to pending legal action,

we are unable

to show you a scene

from Two and a Half Men

at this time.

Strike this mother[bleep] out.

Wild thing delivers.

Wild thing

you make my heart sing

You are the sexiest man

I have ever laid eyes on.

Check.

Come on, come on,

wild thing

You know, I've lived

a pretty wild life,

with the drinking

and the hookers and the drugs

and the hookers.

Ugh.

You're such a pig.

You know, usually

I have to date a woman

before she treats me this way.

There's my life.

Deal with it.

It's on. Bring it.

Winning. Buh-bye.

And now, ladies and gentlemen,

it's time to bring out

the man of the hour.

He went from

Ferris Bueller's Day Off

to having every day off.

Please welcome

the rock star from Mars,

Charlie Sheen.

Wow. Wow!

Wow! Wow!

Wow.

Wow, wow, wow.

Wow.

Unbelievable.

Thank you. Thank you.

Have fun.

Slash!

- How are you, Seth?

- Charlie.

Ahh.

Thank you.

There he sits,

the man of the hour.

Charlie, you claim

to have tiger blood,

but with all the porn stars

you've banged,

it's probably just

Tiger Woods' blood,

I'm guessing.

You have a lot of nicknames

for yourself.

You say you're

a Vatican assassin,

whatever that is.

Charlie, the Vatican

does not have assassins.

No.

If they want

to shut someone up,

they just buy 'em ice cream

and tell 'em if they talk,

Jesus will kill their parents.

Now, as you may know,

Charlie Sheen

is not his birth name.

His original Spanish name

is seor drugs.

Kidding aside, though,

Carlos Estevez

took his dad's name,

yes, to gain credibility

as an actor.

I've seen your films,

and you don't really act

like a Sheen.

But, you know,

with your rap sheet

and briefcases of coke,

you're definitely

acting like a Carlos.

Charlie went on

to star in TV and film,

both drama and comedy.

He was the star of Hot Shots...

Which is also

what Charlie feels

when he takes a piss.

I really think you

and Emilio should do a follow-up

to the movie Men at Work,

and you can call it

"Men Who Don't Work Anymore."

Right?

That would be...

I'll help--

I'll help you write that.

But, uh, of course

a very public meltdown

changed the landscape.

It's interesting,

when you think about

the firing of Charlie Sheen

tells you all you really

need to know about Hollywood.

You can abuse drugs.

You can abuse your spouse.

You can trash hotel rooms.

You can solicit prostitutes.

But don't you ever, ever

call a Jewish guy

by his actual Jewish name.

So, now Charlie

is a self-contained unit.

He is dependent upon no man

and no thing...

Except crack, jack, crank,

meth, ludes,

Vicodin, blow, acid,

uppers, poppers,

"E," nitrous, dust, hash,

and this one boner medicine

from Norway.

He's the reason

a dick with cocaine on it

is called a "sheenis."

Wow.

Wow.

He's still with us,

Charlie Sheen.

In fact, Charlie just celebrated

his 46th birthday...

Thank you.

Thank you.

A statement no one thought

we would ever hear--

kind of like,

"Get Jeselnik on the phone."

Or...

Or "Jeff Ross'll pay for it."

Or Jon Lovitz saying,

"one [bleep] at a time, please."

Charlie allegedly

made a prostitute cry

at the Plaza hotel.

I want to tell you though,

Charlie, I think she's lying.

'Cause I saw the scene

where you got arrested

in Wall Street.

You can't even

make yourself cry.

But, you know, with all those

"Dangerous Jobs" shows on TV,

like the ones about crab

fishing, ice-road trucking,

why is there no show

about the most dangerous

job out there--

Being an escort

for Charlie Sheen?

How long must we wait

for the first season

of Deadliest Snatch?

I'm ready to see that right--

right now.

Honestly, Charlie,

I never thought

I would live to see the night

that you would live

to see this night.

I really didn't.

And now our first roaster,

Jon Lovitz.

He was one of the stars

of a Saturday Night Live cast

that the critics have hailed

as "not the worst."

Ladies and gentlemen,

please welcome the star

of "Two and a Half Chins,"

one of my favorite

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