Comedy Central Roast of Denis Leary

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( announcer )

It's the comedy central roast of denis leary

Hosted by jeff garlin.

With...

And music by...

Please welcome a man who spent

The last five hours

Getting into

A prosthetic fat suit.

Your host for this evening,

Jeff garlin.

( Cheers and applause )

Hello, and good evening,

Everybody.

welcome to the comedy central

Roast of denis leary.

( Applause )

Uh, a few announcements.

First off,

Nipsey russell has cancelled.

My apologies.

Unfortunately,

Colin quinn didn't.

You know what ?

With none of that in mind,

Please take a look at this.

( Announcer )

Please welcome denis leary.

I'm not happy,

I'm not happy.

Nobody's happy, okay ?

Happiness comes in

Small doses, folks.

It's a cigarette or

A chocolate chip cookie

Or a five-second orgasm.

That's it, okay ?

You come, you eat the cookie,

You smoke the butt,

You go to sleep,

You get up in the morning

And go to f***ing work,

Okay ?

One word:
drugs.

( Denis )

Cocaine, there's a good idea.

I wanna do a drug that

Makes my penis small,

Makes my heart explode,

Makes my nose bleed,

And sucks all my money

Out of the bank.

Can i do that ?

I wanna make

This face all night.

I don't do illegal drugs

Anymore.

Now, i just do

The legal drugs.

tonight, i'm on nyquil

And sudafed.

Forget about

Cocaine and heroin.

all you need is nyquil

And sudafed,

I'm telling you right now--

You must

Have some cold.

Uh, actually,

It's for my kids.

What kind of massage

Do you want today, dave ?

Uh, i was hoping for

Something special.

Upper body ?

Yeah, upper body.

And you know, if you feel like

Throwing in some lower body.

I love tits.

I'd like to be the mayor of

Tit town, if i could, okay ?

I'd like to drive

A big truck full of tits

Down the tit turnpike,

Right into the middle

Of tit town !

Oh, come on, i'm not

A bad-looking guy.

( Scoffs )

What, what ?

You wouldn't do me

If you were gay ?

Deep down inside...

Everybody's gay.

This is how it starts,

Probably.

It starts with us

Talking about your gigantic ass

Here in the car and then

In about a month

We're sitting

On a couch somewhere

Holding hands and watching

"The wizard of oz"

On d-v-d wide screen !

I represent angry, gun-toting

Meat-eating people, pal !

( Screaming )

I just beat up

Santa claus.

You blind ?

It's me.

Thank you !

thank you, thank you,

Thank you, and f*** you !

Life sucks.

Get a f***in' helmet,

All right ?

( Cheers and applause )

Ladies and gentlemen, tonight,

We're not gonna be mean.

Mean is easy.

Mean is cheap.

Anybody can be mean.

You know

Who's mean ?

Denis leary is mean.

That's easy,

We're not going there.

Uh, we're going out to

Over 46 countries,

But oddly enough,

Not in america.

They don't get

Denis leary here.

But in sweden, for example,

See, i toured with him there.

He's huge !

He's the king of comedy.

You know what they call

Denis in sweden ?

( Scandinavian accent )

Denis leary.

Denis, you do it all.

Denis not only served

As the producer of "the job",

But he also produced

The movie "blow".

The job, blow.

All i can tell you

On basic cable

With kids watching

Is that denis loves

To get his cock sucked.

Ladies and gentlemen,

Nick dipaolo.

Why are we roasting you ?

You're irish.

Shouldn't we

Be boiling you ?

Put a couple of potatoes

And a carrot behind you.

I'm like, "what are

We supposed to wear ?"

They said, "think irish wake."

I'm like,

"Irish wake ?"

Well, that's right.

We're celebrating

Denis' career.

That's about right.

Colin quinn's here tonight.

Colin--

Yeah !

a few years ago,

People magazine

Listed the 50 most interesting

People in showbiz,

And they put colin in there.

He came right after

The hairdresser

For "earth, wind and fire"

And right before the guy

Who invented the lobster bib.

lenny clarke,

What, did the bowflex e

Get lost in the mail ?

Holy sh*t.

how can you have a coke problem

And a weight problem ?

This is unbelievable.

What are

You snorting ?

Confectionery sugar ?

Jesus christ.

How about a hand

For adam ferrara ?

Come on, folks.

He's like tony danza

Without the jokes.

We've got

Dr. Dre over there.

Yeah.

I'm just happy to meet

A black guy

Who's got the title

"Doctor" in his name,

Who's not wearing a grass skirt

And a bone through his nose.

Ed lover, i know

Nothing about you, man.

i put you in the f***ing--

The yahoo search thing, and...

I did !

I put "ed lover"

In the search thing.

I ended up looking at j-pegs

Of teenage, you know,

Cheerleaders

Being pissed on

By a pit bull named

Chuckles.

Kiefer sutherland's here.

( Cheers )

i read an article in esquire

Kiefer sutherland did.

He said how he had to sleep

In a car for two years in l.A.

It must have been tough,

tossing and turning

In a mercedes 450 s-l...

When it's parked in front of

Your f***ing father's mansion

In hollywood,

That must have been...

He said his dad didn't help him

With his career.

Yeah, and

Tori spelling's an orphan.

And the man of the hour,

Give it up for denis, please.

( Cheers and applause )

Let's focus

On denis' film career

Since his agent didn't.

People make fun of the one

You did with sandra bullock,

"Two if by sea",

But did anybody see

The other piece of sh*t

He made, "neon bible" ?

Yeah, exactly.

This made "two if by sea"

Look like "casablanca", okay ?

Me and my wife

Wanted to walk out

Halfway through the film,

We couldn't.

The lines were

Too long at the exit.

"Operation dumbo drop",

Let me ask you,

At what point when

You were reading the script

Did you say, "i have to do this

F***in' film ?"

Was it when you

Were fighting with ray liotta,

Or was it when you were

Strapping a parachute

To an elephant's

A**hole ?

Is that when it hit ?

I understand why

You did the movie.

I mean, it's not every day

You get to work

With the guy

Who wrote "police academy 4".

You've made more bombs in

The last five years than hamas !

Folks, i love denis leary,

He's done

A lot for my career.

Thank you very much, denis !

( Cheers and applause )

Hi, there.

I'm television's

Conan o'brien.

I know we're here to roast

Denis leary this evening,

But i'm not gonna do that.

I have too much respect

For denis.

You see, unlike most comedians,

Denis has convictions,

Integrity.

In a dishonorable

Business,

He's a man of honor

Who stands for something.

Now, i have more to say

About denis

After this quick message.

You want your car

To last forever, right ?

How do you feel about

Friction, tightwad ?

( denis )

This is quaker state higher mileage engine.

Proven to reduce friction,

And condition seals.

We're back.

Denis, of course,

Is famous for his anger.

A righteous anger

That he reserves for only

The most deserving of targets.

More on denis,

Right after this.

Over time, seals combust.

Hey, hey !

Rings can blow.

Don't forget

Metal-to-metal contact !

And we're back.

And denis isn't just a hero

Here in america,

His reach is global,

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