Comedy Central Roast of Denis Leary Page #2

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And his message is

One for all mankind.

( Speaking in spanish )

So denis,

Here's to you.

Thanks for keeping it real.

Right now, i want

To introduce a fellow

Who's playing roger healy

In the off-broadway production

Of "i dream of jeannie".

Please welcome adam ferrara !

( Cheers and applause )

Thank you, jeff.

Good to see you

Again.

And congratulations

On all your success.

hbo is doing a spin-off series

Starring jeff.

It's called

"Curb your appetite".

Hiya, pal !

Is this great ?

Look at this.

The red carpet,

This set,

A kick-ass band.

You are not only

A fine actor and a stand-up,

You're a magician.

Anybody who can get

This kind of money

out of

F***ing comedy central.

Vincent,

Good to see you.

All "the sopranos"

Boys are here.

"The sopranos" boys are here,

And if anybody asks,

They've been here since 4:30.

Robert deniro is not here

This evening

Because he's

Robert f***in' deniro.

You went from being

In a movie with

Deniro and dustin hoffman,

To doing a t.V. Show

With lenny clarke and me.

next stop, quaker state.

It was

A great show.

I'm talking about, of course,

"The job"

And i gotta thank you

For that gig, chief.

I really do.

It was the best

Two weeks of my life.

Really,

Seriously.

Ladies and gentlemen,

I learned so much about my craft

By being on that show,

And watching one

Of the true masters.

I love you too, pal.

Lenny clarke.

How are you, musty ?

All right,

Sit down.

You're rocking the stage.

You were an altar boy,

Right ?

No wonder you're so angry.

Show me on kiefer sutherland

Where the priest touched you.

You know why i like

Working with this man ?

He's a true leader.

I admire

Your self-confidence.

Some perceive it

As severe narcissism,

But not me.

I'm sure a lot of guys jerk off

In front of a mirror...

Backlit...

While an orchestra plays

The "a**hole" song.

I've been to denis' farm

Up in connecticut,

Or, as it's commonly known,

The never-glad ranch.

If you ever get a chance

To go to leary world,

Get the three-day pass.

It includes the whiskey

And water slide,

20,000 leagues

Under the influence,

Mr. Leary's angry ride,

And my personal favorite,

"It's a small penis after all."

You really are irish.

But the most impressive thing

About the place is,

he paid for it all

With marlboro miles.

While i was there,

I met his entire family

And there's thousands of them.

Packs of nieces

And nephews.

Seven-year-old learys, just

Looking up at you, smoking.

"You like

Spongebob squarepants ?

"Yeah ?

I think he's a p*ssy."

Well, chief, i want you

To know something.

the work you do with

The cam neely foundation.

every year,

The cam neely foundation,

"Comics come home".

And your tireless efforts with

The leary firefighters fund,

You, yes.

You're a noble,

Generous man of character...

to them.

To me,

You're a miserable prick.

I love you, now go

F*** yourself.

Here's the thing.

I directed you in the film

"Lakeboat",

Let me tell you.

I've seen better acting

In a cambodian whorehouse.

Now, listen to what

I'm telling you,

You bloated, alcoholic

Leprechaun,

You get paid

To tell jokes onstage,

But you know what

The biggest joke is ?

Your career.

You go from starring

In features,

To starring in

Your own failed sit-com

To being roasted

On basic cable ?

That's hilarious.

no, it's f***ing

Hilarious.

And you have the balls to call

Yourself a comedian ?

Your material's more dated

Than shannen doherty's twat

So why don't you go out

And make another movie

That nobody'll see,

And then down another

Bottle of cheap whiskey ?

That's what i'm saying !

( Upbeat music playing )

please welcome the star

Of comedy central's

"Tough crowd with colin quinn"

And let me just say,

He could be funny tonight.

Seriously.

No, no, no, really,

You never know.

i don't think he's funny,

But he might be tonight.

Who knows ?

There's only

One way to find out.

Ladies and gentlemen,

Colin quinn.

( Cheers and applause )

Thank you very much.

I'm the fourth-biggest

Star here.

Does that bother you ?

It should.

Now, look--

Oh, this is pathetic.

We got kiefer, liz hurley,

And who is that ?

Robert evans' kid ?

Throw him up

There, den.

Sit with them, denis,

That's a good idea.

Don't sit with

Your comedian friends.

Sit over here.

But i, um,

I know he's a good friend.

Denis is good friends with

A lot of stars,

Like he's good friends

With sean penn,

Which always bothered me.

I'm sure

It bothers everybody.

I'm sure it bothers nobody

More than it bothers sean penn,

Actually, but--

Now, kiefer sutherland

Is here.

I don't think they ever

Worked together, either.

It's like, i think

Denis called sean and said,

"Hey, man,

I got a roast."

And he said, "i'll get you

Kiefer, i'm not coming."

You're lucky kiefer

Said yes,

Or i'd be here

Making "mighty ducks" jokes

At emilio estevez.

All right.

See, that's what denis

Has to realize...

That he's a star

To us in comedy,

But to his star friends,

He's not a star.

I saw him

One afternoon coming back

From clint eastwood's house.

And who goes to lunch with a

Pair of pliers in their pocket ?

He was fixing stuff

For clint.

I saw him leave

Kevin spacey's house,

He had grease under his nails.

Now, that was

A social call, true--

Oh, boy.

Ooh, inside news.

Denis-- the smoking thing,

I think somebody

Was talking about.

And it is kind of

A serious thing.

We all want him

To quit smoking, obviously.

Right ?

But they actually took

A chest x-ray.

They took a chest x-ray

Of denis

And up on the chart,

It was a picture of god

Giving him the finger.

but let's talk about

The company, apostle.

he has a company meeting

At apostle.

Leary, serpico,

And siletti in a bar.

The meeting starts, siletti

Talks about the budget.

After 10 seconds,

Leary interrupts,

Says he wants a cigarette,

And he can't believe

He can't smoke in a bar.

Then they look at a script

That was written by leary,

Peter tolan,

Two firemen on bar napkins.

They get bored, so they drive

Over to the gym

Where lenny has

Just worn down the brakes

Off another elliptical machine.

When lenny presses

The heart rate monitor,

A picture of john candy waving

To him comes up.

No !

In 1987, this is true.

Lenny used to do a little,

Well, you know--

We don't say that--

But the drugs.

Lenny got a handwritten

Thank-you note

From pablo escobar, all right ?

Then, they pick up adam ferrara,

Who's in the steam room

Doing one of his bits for

A 70-year-old russian immigrant

That doesn't speak english.

Adam's one of those guys

That does his bits

While he talks to you.

It's like robin williams, only

You don't have to be polite,

Because he can't hurt you

In the business, you know ?

And you've got nick dipaolo.

He burns bridges

While he's crossing them.

He's the only comedian that

Heckles the crowd, you know ?

You've got ed, dr. Dre

And ed lover over there.

They were the original

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