Comedy Central Roast of Denis Leary Page #3

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"Yo ! M-t-v raps" guys,

You know ?

They brought black culture

Into white suburbs.

They're the guys to blame

When your daughter comes home,

And says, "daddy, this is

Antonio mcdyess."

Um, when you come

Home early from work,

And your daughter's

Standing there

In just a trailblazers jersey,

eating a bowl of fruity pebbles

With rasheed wallace,

These are

The son of a b*tches you can blame.

Um, well, that's about it,

Denis.

I love you,

I've known you a long time.

You're a great guy,

And thank you.

That's it,

Thanks, folks.

Good evening.

I don't wish to add

To the verbal assaults

Already fired upon my friend,

Denis leary,

But i will give you

My take on denis.

See, most people

Are scared of denis.

They find him intimidating

And ill-tempered.

Not so.

The denis i know

Is a sweetie pie.

Look into his eyes

As i have,

And tell me you don't see

A tortured saint.

And that hair,

The color of ripening wheat.

Have you ever looked at denis'

Hands ?

How can a man's hands

Be so lovely ?

I'll tell you how.

He puts makeup on them.

They don't need makeup,

But that's denis.

So if you think denis is mean,

Ask yourself...

Would a mean man

Use hand makeup ?

And so, denis, i am honored

To be here to honor you.

Don't let them be too mean,

You delicious mush puff.

I'll give you a big hug.

You know, the building,

This building is, of course,

Named after

Oscar hammerstein,

Who wrote

"The sound of music",

"Carousel", and

"The king and i".

Wait, i'd better stop with

The broadway musicals

Before mario cantone

Completely lets loose

With the jizz.

You know who's really been

A great sport tonight,

Do you have any idea ?

He's been so wonderful,

So forgiving.

The language has been,

You know, uproarious,

If you can describe

Language that way.

But you have been wonderful.

Please welcome denis' priest,

Father don gavin.

Well,

Thank you, thank you.

This is tough company,

Watching all

These professional comedians

Attempting to be funny.

And uh,

God does forgive.

He doesn't forget,

But he does forgive.

He's all seeing,

All knowing.

He knows when you're sleeping,

And he knows when you're awake.

He knows when

You've been bad or good.

I could quote the scriptures

Forever.

But i have been

A priest for 30 years.

I'm not a particularly

Religious man, but--

No, i'm serious.

I became a priest 'cause

I'm lazy is what it is.

I got tired

Of chasing the chicks,

And not getting them.

So that's why

I'm doing what i do now

And i have my problems,

I drink.

I drink when the--

When i'm awake.

And i'm gambling

Because of this man.

I went to see him at foxwoods,

The indian resort.

I went down there.

It was the first time

I ever gambled.

I've been

Back quite a bit.

I have my own teepee.

And i have

Money problems.

Boys and girls out there,

Don't get into priesthood

For the money.

It's just not worth it.

I got a loan

From my bank.

They sent me

This threatening letter.

"We have not received

Your final payment."

I wrote them back and said,

"Yes, you have."

And, uh...

Yeah.

They were not aware of it.

But i have had

Some money problems.

I mention that, because, well,

The collection plate,

Not as much money

In there as there used to be,

I can assure you.

Because of some of my--

Some of my colleagues',

Can i say, shenanigans

Would be a good word.

Which actually reminds me

Of a joke.

A priest, a rapist and

A pedophile walked into a bar,

And that's just

The first guy.

All right, good, now...

( Cheers and applause )

But i do thank you.

Denis and i, we do

Go back a long time

And i tell you what,

It's great to be around

A guy that does not

Forget his friends,

And i mean that sincerely.

Thank you.

Thank you.

Last time

I hug a priest.

Denis leary

Loves animals.

He absolutely adores

His irish wolfhound

Who wanted to be here tonight,

But he double booked.

And when, you know,

A dog double books,

That's like 14 human

Double bookings.

Please welcome denis'

Irish wolfhound, clancy !

( Gilbert gottfried )

Hi, i'm one of denis' wolfhounds.

I'm on my way to

The veterinarian's office.

You see, i had a chance to watch

Denis perform,

But i thought

I'd have a lot more fun

Having my balls cut off.

( Rim shot )

You know, i've been denis' dog

For 12 years.

He loves me

'Cause i'm irish.

And i love denis 'cause

He smells like dog ass !

( Rim shot )

You know, denis used to

Paper train me

By using his movie scripts.

That way,

I had a chance to sh*t on them

Before the critics did.

You know,

When i look up at denis,

I see willem dafoe

Without the talent.

I see an ugly bryan adams.

I see sting

With a.I.D.S.

You know, if you want to enjoy

A denis leary comedy album,

Do what i do

Every morning.

Get out your copy

And take a gigantic dump on it.

As denis' pet,

I get to see a side of him

That most of you never do.

Denis,

The devoted father.

Denis, the family man.

And of course,

Denis, the jew hater.

Well, denis, i'm going off

To have my balls cut off.

But don't worry about it,

You can still lick my a**hole.

Please welcome

Gena gershon !

Denis.

Denis,

This is my song to you.

How i feel...

And it's straight

From my heart.

This is for you, pal.

He's a charming

And talented man, yeah

Always giving

All that he can

He's a friend like

No one i know of

So let's give him a tribute

Of love

Ah, f*** that.

Lighten up

It's a roast

Tonight leary's

Balls are toast

Yeah, we'll all get

A kick

Out of

Busting that prick

Lighten up everyone

It's a roast

Oh, yeah !

Look, denis,

Your ultimate fantasy !

Fuckable cigarettes !

Nice butts, girls !

Beat it,

Move over to the side.

Let me help you out

Over here.

Oh, yeah.

They sent you all two from

The radio city rockettes.

I'd better

Help them out here.

Yeah.

Get the f*** outta here,

You're bugging me.

Better watch it

Before denis shoves you

Up bloomberg's ass.

He was in

"Thomas crown affair"

With rene russo

And it was schlock

But as

An interesting fact

She's got a much

Bigger cock

He's got style

He's got class

We're gonna kick him in his

White irish ass

Yes he's funny

And quick

But he's still a big dick

And he keeps hanging on

To that smoking-guy shtick

As celebrities go

Mr. Leary's our pick

Lighten up everyone

It's a roast

Yeah.

All right.

Now, via fake satellite,

Miss rene russo.

When i was asked

To participate in this event,

I was not told

That i was gonna have to be

Subjected to this crap.

I don't even know

Nina gershon.

What the hell

Was she singing ?

You know, that's exactly

How rumors get started.

That's all i need,

Are paparazzis camped outside

My f***ing house

Trying to get a crotch shot.

Or moms in the carpool lane

Staring at me.

Anyway...

You know

The truth, denis.

You were in my trailer.

Uh, our next performer,

There are two words to describe

Our next performer.

Really,

Really funny.

Mario cantone.

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