Comedy Central Roast of Denis Leary Page #4

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Okay, gena gershon

Coming out.

You know, i went to college

With gena and denis.

I went to college.

I went to emerson college

With denis and gena.

No applause.

At the time, the school was

A 60% gay school.

Denis ended up staying there

For two years and teaching.

You're so gay.

I can't even,

I can't even look at you.

We were lovers, we were

F***ing completely.

He won't even--

Kiss-- i want you to--

I want you to kiss me

On the mouth right here,

And show everybody in this

World what we were.

I feel like

Barbara stanwyck.

Kiss me on the mouth,

Like a lover !

No, it's all right.

You couldn't

Anyways,

'Cause you don't have that kind

Of a range as an actress.

I've seen him naked,

I have seen him naked

And it hooks to the left.

And it's not, for an irish guy,

It's not that small.

It's really not--

It's all right.

It's not bad,

But it hooks !

He's got a pirate dick !

He wears

A patch over one ball.

Elizabeth hurley.

She is so gorgeous,

I would f*** her.

I have never seen anybody more

Beautiful in my life.

Except i'd have

To use nick's dick

But i could do it.

All right.

Thanks for

The gift bag, too.

They gave us this lovely

Gift bag, you know,

For doing this.

Which i thought was really,

Really nice.

Thank you

For your c-ds.

Your "no cure for cancer" c-ds.

And "the job" d-v-d,

"The job" d-v-d.

The complete first

And second season.

Let me put a little reality

On the plate here.

There was no

F***ing second season !

Where was

The second season ?

There was no-- oh, the lost

Episodes of "the job".

For special features,

Click down !

Click, click, click, click !

that show's so bad, tivo

Would reject the repeats !

You're a little weathered.

You're a little

Weathered lately.

Bronzer ?

Tan--

No, it's f***ing makeup.

His sh*t is so thick

You can't even--

And then he

Made fun of me !

We were at this thing, we were

At the tribeca film festival

And they were like, "would you

Like a little powder ?"

I was like, "yeah."

He was like, "you're gonna--

You're gonna put makeup on ?

You're gonna put makeup on ?"

I was like, "yeah."

you-- you came to carnegie hall

In makeup for rehearsal !

you go to non-television

Events in mac makeup.

It looks like you

Just f***ed rupaul !

Ugh !

He is in "full beat" !

it looks like mary kay's

Pink cadillac

Ran you the f*** over !

And i love you,

Denis.

Thank you very much.

Hi, i'm michael j fox.

And this is eunice.

Eunice is 85 years old

And a parkinson's patient.

Eunice has but one wish.

That denis leary stop

Volunteering his time

For parkinson's research.

You see, denis, showing up

Late and drunk

To fundraising events,

Mouthing off to doctors

And potential donors,

It's just not helping.

So please,

Denis.

Think of eunice,

And the thousands of

Other parkinson's sufferers.

Do something else with your

Ample frickin' time.

Thank you,

I'm michael j fox.

Some of you might recognize

These guys

As the hosts of

"Yo ! M-t-v raps"

But most of you will have

No idea who they are.

Put on your thinking caps.

Please welcome dr. Dre

And ed lover.

Denis has had a very

Impressive film career,

And we thought we'd give

You guys a quick overview,

To refresh your memory.

But because

There are so many,

We kept all the reviews

Down to two words.

So let's begin.

"Professor" ?

Yes, sir.

"Ice age" ?

Not "shrek".

"Double whammy" ?

Triple crappy.

"Company man".

You're fired.

"Jesus' son".

Holy sh*t.

"The thomas crown affair".

Watch original.

"True crime".

Against cinema.

"A bug's life".

Call exterminator.

"Wide awake".

Not us.

"Monument avenue".

Bad title, brother,

Bad title.

"Wag the dog".

Dog crap.

"The matchmaker".

The crap taker.

"Operation dumbo drop".

Operation f***ing

Boredom over here.

A classic,

"The ref".

Personal foul.

"Judgment night".

It sucked.

"Demolition man".

Why, denis ?

"Who's the man" ?

Now, that's

Classic material.

That was a great film.

Beautiful film.

( Cheers and applause )

There you go.

That's a nice

Piece of work.

"The sandlot".

The litter box.

"The loaded weapon".

Loaded diaper.

And ladies and gentlemen,

That oscar-winning performance,

"Two if by sea".

F*** you.

Thank you.

Thank you, folks.

It's been

Our distinct pleasure

Reviewing these movies.

Good luck

Tonight, denis.

Mr. Sutherland,

It's a pleasure.

Miss hurley, and your

Ambiguously gay fellow friend,

Wonderful to see you both.

Now we know

Who's f***ing mario cantone

Later on tonight.

We love you, buddy !

God bless.

So, tonight,

Everybody's been slammed

To one degree or another.

But this next performer is

So gifted and so talented.

He's a vivacious talent,

Who really-- i'm moved

To tears when i see him perform.

I laugh,

I'm overwhelmed.

I'm talking, of course,

About dane cook.

Dane cook is-- dane,

You're too talented

To f*** with.

Really,

You're that talented.

You are so talented, my balls

Right now are clapping.

My balls are clapping at how

Talented you are, dane cook.

Please come out here

And show the young people.

Dane cook, everybody.

( Cheers and applause )

Wow, jeff,

Jeff garlin.

What about jeff all night,

Jeff, right ?

Kiefer sutherland,

How you doing ?

How you doing,

Good to see you.

I've got a great plot idea for

Your show this coming season.

You've got 24 hours

To resurrect your film career

Or you're gonna start

Hocking motor oil,

Like johnny handsome

Over here.

Good to see you,

Loved you in "lost boys".

It's a great movie !

It's a classic !

Colin quinn, ladies and

Gentlemen, colin quinn.

Colin, you started off

Your career on the game show,

"Remote control".

And isn't it--

Yeah, yeah !

Isn't it ironic that

That's what most of america

Reaches for now when

Your new show comes on ?

Nick dipaolo.

Nick, right ?

Nick right over here.

Nick, anti-semitic ?

Yes.

Homophobic ?

Of course.

Racist ?

Totally.

Misogynistic ?

Without a doubt.

But what you guys

Don't know about nick,

Is he still sleeps in

A racecar bed.

And say what you want

About this other sh*t,

That's just adorable.

Mario,

Mario cantone.

Mario, some people say

You're not very friendly.

Some people say

You're unapproachable.

But i'll tell you something

About this guy,

He's got a real soft spot

For young comedians.

It's called his a**hole.

See how i wrinkled

That a little ?

All right.

Let me tell you

How gay mario is.

Truly,

Seriously.

Because i know you've heard it

All night.

Let me just,

You know, close it up for you.

He is so gay

That when gay people

See him on the street,

They're like, "fag !"

I'm still waiting for you

To come out, b*tch.

All right.

All right, i'll be there

In 10 minutes, honey.

Dr. Dre and ed lover,

They're here tonight.

And be sure to tip them

When they bring your car around

After the show.

Denis, denis.

A lot of boston guys here

Tonight.

Denis, we've got lenny clarke,

We've got nick, mario.

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