Comedy Central Roast of Denis Leary Page #5

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Who knew the red sox curse

Affected comedians' careers ?

During the '80s, denis,

Few comedians

Took a stand.

And had the courage

To speak out

And support their beliefs

And that all changed when

Denis did "no cure for cancer".

You came out, denis,

Yeah.

You came out

Against vegetarians.

And you stood up against

Non-smokers.

And because

Of your valiant efforts,

Today, meat--

Still available.

Tobacco-- still going strong.

Cancer--

Winning.

Woo !

In closing, denis,

You know i'm kidding,

And you know

You're a great guy.

And it makes me feel

So special

To know that if i ever need

Anything at all from you,

Jim serpico

Is just a phone call away.

I love you, buddy,

Thank you.

If you want to toast denis,

I'm your man.

If you wanna roast him,

I'm sorry, i love the guy.

You know, i think he just

Gets a bad rap

Because of

The whole gruff thing.

( Deep, gruff voice )

Hey, this is denis, what do you want ?

He used to scare

The heart out of my wife.

You know, but not anymore.

Because when

I'm on the road,

When i'm away from home,

He's the first one to call.

He says, "can i help you

With the yard work ?"

Which is funny because

I think the only things

I've ever seen in his hands

Is a cigarette

Or a hockey stick.

But he keeps

An eye on the kids,

He keeps an eye on my wife.

And he's looking

Out for me.

And i don't forget that.

The thing is,

I hope he gets a job soon,

Because my kids are calling

Him "dad".

I mean, right now

They're all together.

My wife, denis, the kids.

They're back at my house,

Back east,

And they're having

A great time.

I just got off the phone

With my little girl

And i said, "where's mommy ?"

She said, "oh, mommy's

Down with denis

Playing hockey in the pond."

you know, which is funny,

Because my wife hates hockey.

And, uh...

And it's 80 f***in' degrees

Back there.

There is no f***in' ice.

Ladies and gentlemen,

Mr. Lenny clarke.

( Cheers and applause )

Denis and i have

A lot in common.

We both smoke and hang out

With supermodels.

Some of them are

Chubby chasers.

They are.

But i gotta tell you,

People ask me, "well,

How do you know denis ?"

I say, "well, i've known

Denis for about 25 years now."

I remember when

We were doing lines

And now we're reading lines.

People say, "did he do

A lot of drugs ?"

I say, "no."

Denis didn't,

Look at him.

What's he, 6'3, 6'4,

110 pounds ?

Nah.

Make a lot of jokes

About me being fat

But how about him

Being skinny ?

this guy could use a kotex tube

For a sleeping bag.

You know,

Denis leary's been my friend

For a lot of years.

He's given me

A lot of work,

Helped jumpstart my career.

I didn't do any

Of his big hits,

But you know,

There was "the job".

And i was out of work

And divorced

And drinking and drugging

And collecting money

From people.

You guys know

What i'm talking about.

He said to me, "you know,

I wrote this part for you

In 'the job'."

I said, "really ?"

he says, "yeah, but a-b-c wants

To go with another guy."

I go, "what ?

You go in there, and you tell

Them that that's my part !"

He says, "you want me

To go in and tell them

To give you the part just

Because you're my friend ?"

I went, "yeah !"

He goes,

"I can't do that."

I said "well, maybe you're not

My friend."

And he made me dance

Like a monkey on a hot plate

To get that part

And i got that part.

And he said, "aren't you happy

That you got it on your own ?"

I said,

"Not one f***ing bit."

Mario, i didn't even know

You were gay.

I didn't,

I didn't !

I like you.

Some men like men,

And well,

Women are probably

The number one reason

Why i'm not

A homosexual today.

All right, i blew one guy,

But i needed a ride real bad.

I'm teasing,

I'm kidding.

I didn't need the ride.

But,

I gotta tell you,

This guy does a lot of things

For people

That he doesn't want

Anyone to even know about.

But you are one of

My dearest friends.

I love you like a brother.

And i'd take

A bullet for you.

I just hope it's not tonight.

And i just want

To thank you, man.

I love you.

All right.

Hey, everybody.

I'm so sorry that

I couldn't be there tonight,

But i had this really--

Ah, i can't fool

You guys.

I could have

Been there tonight.

Actually, i've got

Nothing to do.

As a matter of fact,

Right now,

As you guys are roasting denis

In the hammerstein ballroom,

My guess is

I'm sitting at home,

Alone,

Staring at my wall.

And you may say, "well,

Then why didn't you come over

And do it ?"

And i'll tell you why.

I've been hearing the things

You're saying about denis.

His lack of ability,

His difficulty in controlling

His more primal urges,

And i won't be

A part of it.

I will not kick this man

When he is so clearly

This far down.

Normally,

I would.

I've known denis

For a long time

And everything that you're

Saying, by god, it's true.

And if you only knew,

Much worse.

I'm not saying that

He has sex with animals.

What i'm saying is this:

I can't be with him

24 hours a day.

So maybe, maybe not.

It's really not something that

We should talk about.

But the important thing

Is this:

He needs this gig.

So if you can stretch it

To an hour and a half

And maybe throw him

A little after money,

I'd love to see the guy

Get some health insurance.

Well, listen, you guys

Have a great night.

And just know that even though

I can't be there, or can,

I'm still

Thinking about you

For however long

This videotape message lasts.

And then, of course,

Right after that--

Whoop-- gone !

Um, it's been great

To be here tonight

To host this for you.

And i enjoy

Being your friend.

You're a great guy to be

A friend with, you know ?

That's all.

Ladies and gentlemen,

Denis leary.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Thanks,

Thank you.

As my dad used to say,

Too little,

Too f***in' late, folks.

( Woman )

Sorry.

F*** you, you filthy whores.

F*** you, f*** you, f*** you,

Double f*** you,

F*** you, f*** you.

I wanna say a couple-- well,

I gotta say a lot of things.

So strap yourselves in.

Let's start off

By giving a round of applause

To rene russo for wearing

A giant rubber cock.

Come on !

Uh, i want to mention

A couple of guys

Who couldn't be here tonight.

Chris was supposed to be here

In person, chris walken,

But unfortunately,

The guest list was limited

To people

From the f***ing

Planet earth.

So i don't know where he did

The remote f***ing feed from

But yeah.

Can we throw that picture

Of peter gallagher up, please ?

Peter's got a lot of balls

Making fun of me.

You know, when i check into

A hotel and i want privacy,

I check in under the name

Peter gallagher, okay ?

Just so you f***ing know.

By the way,

The auditions for the role

Of harvey weinstein

In the harvey weinstein story

Are officially f***in' over.

And by the way,

While you're looking at jeff

And his picture,

Take a good look at his nose,

Before it goes right back

Up larry david's ass, okay ?

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