Comedy Central Roast of Denis Leary Page #6

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It'll be up there for about

Another five f***in' years.

A waitress at "dangerfield's"

Once equated going down

On jeff garlin

With trying to find

The air nozzle on a life raft.

So that'll give you

Some idea.

Colin quinn.

( Cheering )

People know a lot of things

About colin,

But they don't know this:

Colin's

An inventor.

Colin invented

The "dick on" rule.

This was back in,

I think the mid '80s

And here was the idea.

Every time colin saw somebody

On t.V. Who he didn't like

Or he didn't

Think was funny,

He would pull his

Pants down.

Wherever you were,

A bar, his house,

Your house.

Pull his pants down,

And take his dick,

And he would put it in

The guy's face on the t.V.

We were so used to it,

Guys would just go,

"Hey, hey,

Move out of the way,

We can't see the

F***in' game."

I don't know if

You remember this.

We were watching-- the knicks

Were out of the playoffs,

So he's rooting

For the celtics,

In the heyday of

The byrd-mchale celtics,

And they're playing

The pistons,

And bill laimbeer from

The pistons got into a fight,

A little scuffle

With larry byrd.

He pulls his pants down,

Walks up to the t.V.,

And for literally, like

A good 30 or 40 seconds,

He's going, "go ahead, laimbeer,

Suck my dick !

"Suck my dick !

"Come on,

Yeah, yeah, yeah !

Come on !"

And then,

My wife came home.

Now, it's very difficult to

Explain to a woman,

Any woman,

Who has just seen

One of your best friends

Trying to shove his dick

Into a televised man's mouth

That it's just typical

Heterosexual behavior,

Even if he invented it.

You know.

But it's absolutely impossible

To explain that behavior

Once you've seen this:

And then, of course,

There's this:

What can i say

About mario cantone

That hasn't been said

In "little women" ?

You know, some kids are born

With speech impediments.

Some kids are born

With learning disabilities.

mario came out with a gucci

Purse and his nails done.

The only reason pete townshend

Got busted

Was because

He borrowed mario's laptop.

That's a good line, i like

That f***in' line.

F*** you,

That's a good line.

And i like pete townshend

And i still did

That f***in' line !

Now, mario, we went

To college together.

And mario, it was a very

Difficult time for mario.

Mario was living in this gay

World, a fantasy world,

At emerson college

Where i think it was like,

Three out of every four guys

Were gay, right ?

60% gay,

I already said it.

I think it was more than that,

You're underestimating.

It was like 80%, it was great

For straight guys like me.

We got laid all the time.

But meanwhile,

His parents and his brothers

And his sisters

All worked at his dad's

Restaurant downtown,

called cantone's,

In the business district.

And they all thought

Mario was creative.

You know what i mean ?

And he was kinda like floating,

He was letting them pretend.

He was like,

Here's my girlfriend, gena--

You know what i mean, like

He's passing the girls off ?

And so all of his brothers,

You know,

And his family

Believed that he was straight.

But the truth was,

On any given night,

After like half a vodka tonic

And two bong hits,

This would happen:

Yeah.

So, later that year,

His mother finds it,

She frames it,

And she hangs it

Behind the bar

At the f***ing restaurant,

Right ?

So i'm sitting there one night

With mario's brother, dominick,

Who's like one of these f***in'

Guys, "eh-eh," you know ?

Like completely

F***in' clueless.

And he's looking

At the picture,

And he goes, "yeah,

That f***ing mario, man.

He's so f***ing

Creative, huh ?"

And i'm like,

"Yeah, dominick,

I'm creative, too, but

I don't have cum in my hair."

You know

What i mean ?

You know ?

I love kiefer, man,

He flew in tonight.

You should give him

A round of applause.

The f***ing guy flew in.

Yeah.

Yeah.

I know jon stewart did

A roll-in tonight

Which was really

Nice of him.

And he was actually

Supposed to be here,

But someone put his car keys

On top of his t.V.

And he's still

Trying to reach them.

So he might make it

If somebody drops by his house.

Adam ferrara.

You filthy

Guinea motherf***er.

You lucky little whore,

That i f***ing hired you and

Bought your f***ing house.

And this photo confirms

What we've all been

Suspecting for years.

This is adam napping after

A post-goat barbecue

During

The annual splinter cell

And terrorist picnic

And hidden-explosives expo.

Last but not least,

Lenny clarke.

My old friend.

You know, we actually

Had a tough time

With this category,

Because there were

So many f***ing stories.

And they're all true and

They're all hilarious.

But we had to wean

Them down for time.

I wanna tell you

This one story.

Back in the late '70s,

I think it was the '70s.

Was it the '70s when you

Ran for city council

Or was that '80s ?

'70s.

Late '70s,

In cambridge, massachusetts,

Where lenny was born

And brought up,

The rule about

Running for office is

If you declare that you're

Gonna run for office,

You, you, whoever,

You immediately get some money

To print up buttons

And bumper stickers.

Lenny is a janitor

At that point,

And he goes, "guys, i'm f***ing

Running for mayor."

We were like,

"Mayor of what ?"

He was like, "cambridge !"

We were like,

"You can't run for mayor."

He was like,

"Anybody can run !

I'm f***ing doing it !"

I said, "what's

Your platform ?"

"F*** the kennedys !

That's my platform."

So he goes down, he fills out

All these things,

And he gets "f*** the kennedys"

Bumper stickers printed up.

"F*** the kennedys,

Vote for lenny," right ?

So, about four weeks

Into the campaign,

Nobody f***ing knows

What's going on.

There's crazy "f***

The kennedys" bumper stickers everywhere.

Who's lenny ?

All this sh*t.

Lenny goes,

"I need something

"To f***ing spark interest

In my campaign.

"I'm gonna steal a city bus

"And i'm gonna

Drive it around.

And then people will know

Who i am."

He was drunk.

We were like,

"Yeah, yeah, yeah."

The next day, he goes out

And he steals a f***ing bus.

Drives it down mass ave,

Through boston,

Across the bridge

Into cambridge, right ?

And halfway through,

He's realizing,

"It's just me driving a bus.

This is no good."

So he starts

To pick people up.

He's f***ing picking

People up.

People aren't even at bus stops,

He's going, "get in !"

And he tells them,

"I'm gonna drop you off,

"Right in front of

Your f***ing house.

"And you tell the cops,

When they ask,

Lenny f***ing clarke dropped

You off in front of your house."

I swear to god.

I swear to god.

You guys have been great.

I f***ing love him,

I hate the rest of you.

Thank you very much.

( Man )

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa !

Whoa, whoa, whoa !

( "A**hole" music playing )

Denis !

You can't leave

Your own roast

Without doing

The song, bro !

It's gonna be

In our hearts forever !

I know in my heart, when you

Were gonna do that song,

Part of you was like,

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