Comedy Central Roast of Donald Trump Page #2

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SNL comics ever,

Jon Lovitz.

Thank you for that

introduction, Seth MacFarlane.

Anyway, I am Jon Lovitz,

although I think most of you

know me by my stage name--

J-Lo.

Thank you.

Well, look at this dais.

Mike Tyson is here.

Yes, sir.

You know, his boxing nickname

is iron Mike,

which is what the guards

used to scream at him

in the prison laundry.

I don't do that anymore, Jon.

Well, I know

you don't do that anymore.

You're not in prison anymore.

Just making it clear.

He's funny.

Hey, how did Amy Schumer

get here?

I'd ask whose [bleep]

she sucked to get on the dais,

but she's dating

Anthony Jeselnik,

so I'll just ask him.

Anthony, whose [bleep] did

Amy suck to get on the dais?

Who else is--

Oh, hello, Steve-O.

Yes, sir.

Talked to Steve-O this morning.

I said,

"How's your day going?"

He said, "Great.

I woke up, took a big sh*t,

then got out of bed...

You know, unlike all

you people on this dais,

I, uh--

I actually know Charlie,

and I'm famous.

No, he's my friend.

I've known him

for about 18 years,

and I can tell you he's nothing

like the character

he plays on TMZ.

And people say,

"Oh, he's crazy,"

you know, just because he likes

beautiful women

to come to his house, have sex

with him, and then leave.

What a nut.

First time I hung out

with Charlie

was at his house

after the super bowl.

Bunch of hot chicks

showed up, and...

I looked up, I saw

my old girlfriend, and...

Charlie put his arm around me

and said, "Pick a hooker."

First time in my life I cried

and came at the same time.

No, it wasn't.

And now a joke.

How much blow

can Charlie Sheen do?

Enough to kill

Two and a Half Men.

I'm kidding.

The man is misunderstood.

Eight-balls of hern--

bad for you?

Or as Charlie sees it,

the most important

meal of the day.

Now, sure, things

got pretty crazy for a while.

He was all mixed up.

But he knew it was time

to get straight

when he put

his dick in his coke

and his razor in his hooker.

And did you know Charlie's--

according to the Torah,

he's Jewish?

And not because

his mother's a Jew,

but because CBS paid him

$50 million

and he still sued the network.

Now, listen,

despite what you read,

Charlie's still close

to all of his exes.

Why, well, just recently,

he took Brooke Mueller

to Mexico...

Where he banged her ass so hard

three balloons of coke

fell out.

But Charlie's a gentleman.

He put them back in.

Picture it!

Thank you.

Coming up, Kate Walsh...

Oh, Charlie, wait till you see

what the doctor's got in order.

Mike Tyson, Amy Schumer,

Jeff Ross...

The real Gaddafi

is hiding in Charlie Sheen's

nostrils right now.

- Steve-O.

- Yeah.

Anthony Jeselnik...

[Bleep] off.

William Shatner,

Patrice O'Neal,

and Charlie Sheen.

Charlie, as you put it best,

it's just words.

All right.

Our next roaster is Kate Walsh.

Why are you here?

Let me say that it is a thrill

to be around the hottest,

sexiest woman of 2002.

Let's give a big round

of meno-plause

for the beautiful

and talented Kate Walsh.

Seth MacFarlane,

the only difference between you

and the hooker Charlie

locked in the closet

is that the hooker

eventually came out.

After years of playing

a doctor on Grey's Anatomy

and Private Practice,

people actually think

I'm a real doctor,

so I figured, "[Bleep] it.

"I'm gonna start giving

some professional diagnoses

to these people over here."

For instance, Jeff Ross,

your results have come back,

and I'm going

to tell you something

that you have never heard

about any of your TV pilots.

You tested positive.

Congratulations, Jeff.

And, Jeff, listen,

I know you're concerned

about your complexion,

but you have to stop

letting Mike Tyson

[bleep] all over your face.

He looks good.

I like the way he looks.

Thank you very much.

Anthony Jeselnik,

I don't normally do this,

but I have to break

doctor-patient confidentiality.

Your results came back,

and it turns out that

that embarrassing,

nasty parasite on your penis

is Amy Schumer.

And there is no cure.

I'm so, so happy to see

that William Shatner is here,

because a medical colleague

told me that you passed on.

I said, "Bullshit.

Have seen his resume?

Shatner's never

passed on anything."

Just wait.

You look great.

I mean, your skin is so tight.

I can't tell

if you've had a face-lift

or vaginal rejuvenation.

Patrice O'Neal,

I understand you have diabetes,

and as you know,

this disease is very serious

and often linked to a poor diet.

So my advice is simple.

Grape soda does not count

as a fruit.

Mr. Sheen,

the doctor will see you now.

I have to say, Charlie,

you are an incredible

medical specimen.

I guess that's

one of the benefits

of waking up every morning

at the crack of crack.

And, you know, it's amazing.

Despite all those years

of abusing your lungs,

your kidneys, your liver,

the only thing you've had

removed is your kids.

Admittedly, Charlie gets

a little confused sometimes.

He's the only guy

who pulls a knife

on a woman who's already

willing to [bleep] him.

I'll drink to that.

I'll drink to that.

Michael, drink to that.

But is Charlie really

the worst guy here?

So he made a chick

blow him for 30 grand.

Mike Tyson makes you blow him

"'Cause I said so. That's why."

I'll drink to that, too.

I'll drink...

Isn't that right,

Steve-O?

And so, Charlie,

I'm happy to say,

whether it's your Adonis DNA,

your tiger blood,

or the drug

called Charlie Sheen,

for some reason, you're able

to defy science and medicine

and continue to survive.

I'll pencil you in

for your relapse next week.

Thank you so much.

Good night.

Still to come, Jeff Ross...

I wanted to dress like

the world's biggest dictator

to roast the world's

biggest dick.

Steve-O...

Just a bunch a people

having a great time

- being mean to each other.

- And Mike Tyson.

Charlie, um, enjoy a night

of some serious "bambargment."

And I'm gonna rip you

a new a**hole.

And, um, I still love you--

no hard feelings.

All right.

Here comes Jeff Ross...

Who actually toured

with Charlie.

You know, I always thought

Jeff was a terrible comic,

until I learned

that he actually is

seriously, for real,

mentally retarded.

And now I think he's

an inspiration and a hero.

So please welcome America's

special needs comedian,

Jeff Ross.

Yeah!

Give it up for the warlock!

Friends, roasters, enablers,

lend Mike Tyson your ears.

Because this lineup

is so pathetic,

I was hoping I'd get replaced

by Ashton Kutcher.

What a bunch of nobodies

we're left with.

Is this a roast

or the republican primaries?

This is hard.

How do you roast a meltdown?

Charlie's meltdown was so bad,

Al Gore's making

a documentary about it.

Tell us, Charlie.

How do you go from being

TVs highest-paid actor ever

to being the highest actor

ever to be on TV?

Charlie's nostrils are

so snotty and full of coke

he calls them

the Hilton sisters.

Instead of getting his life

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