Comedy Central Roast of Donald Trump Page #7

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They know me on Mars.

They don't know you

in this room.

You know, I personally asked

that William Shatner be here,

only because I needed

some clean urine.

I had to wring it

out of the diaper,

but it did the job.

Bill, you've always been

an inspiration to my acting.

It was your work on Star Trek

that inspired me

to act like an a**hole

until the rest of the cast

stopped speaking to me.

But, look, look,

this has been, um...

This has been both

enlightening and fun.

You are all worthy adversaries.

But the thing is,

once again,

I have come out unscathed.

You can't hurt me.

Hell, I can't even hurt me.

Drugs couldn't kill me.

Sex couldn't kill me.

The press couldn't kill me.

Two and a Half Men

couldn't kill me.

Did you really think

your little jokes

were gonna hurt me?

I'm the wild thing--

Ricky [bleep] Vaughn, man.

You're looking at a guy

who thrives on chaos.

At ten years old, I was

on the set of Apocalypse Now

in the Philippine jungle,

playing with severed heads

in Colonel Kurtz's compound.

When I did Ferris Bueller,

my first line in the film

was "drugs?"

I thought they were asking me

how I wanted to be paid.

After Platoon, Wall Street,

and Major League,

I went on to have the biggest

salary on television.

Sounds great, right?

It was.

No, really.

It [bleep] was.

I did porn stars.

I did drugs.

I had my own television show.

And then...

Then I did the one thing

that everyone in America

really wishes they could do.

I told my boss to [bleep] off.

And then it was gone...

In one fiery

public flame-out.

And it was only

when the smoke cleared,

I realized just how lucky I am,

because even after all that,

I still have a family

that loves me.

That's why

they're not here tonight.

Yeah, they've--

they've seen me in jail.

They've seen me

rushed to emergency rooms.

They've seen me

dragged into court.

But seeing me on basic cable

would kill them.

But I know--

I know that my family

will always be there for me,

so...

What I'm trying to say is that

I'm done with "the winning,"

because I've already won.

- Yeah.

- Yeah.

This roast may be over,

but I'm Charlie Sheen.

And in here--

in here burns

an eternal fire.

I just have to remember

to keep it away

from a crack pipe.

I'll see you all

in the next adventure.

I love you.

Good night. Thank you.

Mike.

- Oh, he's doing it again?

- Yeah.

Come on, Steve-O.

- Don't hurt me.

- Oh!

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