Coneheads

Where's the Captain, Mr Spock?

He's out there, Doctor.

Out there somewhere in

a thousand cubic parsecs of space.

And there is absolutely nothing

we can do to help him.

Bogey inbound,

500 miles from Rockport.

- Roger, tac-com. You got it too?

- What is it?

I don't know. Signal has it

at 500 miles, inbound real fast.

That's not one of ours.

We've confirmed inbound bogey.

Werewolf, flight camera's now on.

Man, is he moving!

Unidentified aircraft,

you are violating

restricted airspace.

Reduce speed to mach one.

Descend to 3,000 feet and identify,

or we will force you down.

Bogey not responding.

He's walking away fast.

Suggest Air National Guard intercept.

This is Cowboy. I got a lock-on.

Request permission to fire.

You are cleared to fire.

Mebs, you should've activated

the cloaking device.

I cannot remember everything!

He's disappeared.

He's just disappeared!

Greetings.

- You need a room?

- Correct.

Fill out an application.

Just a form.

I seek out techno-industrial sector

where I can purchase

two simlats of platinum paste.

This time of night, huh?

Gee, let's see.

See, I'm kinda new to the area.

Where can I obtain a helium grafting

device operable at eight fathoms?

The day guy knows this area

really good. I can't help you.

- Is this a double occupancy?

- Correct. That is my mate.

Yeah, right. I'm sure she is.

That's... That's fine. OK.

Will that be cash or charge?

How will you pay for the room?

We shall remunerate

with metallic tender-discs.

- Correct.

- This is fine.

This is a primitive device.

We need one with the right components

to contact Remulak.

The Highmaster

will be displeased about our ship.

Affirmative. He will surely

cut off my plarg and hand it to me.

But do not despair.

We will be rescued.

Until then, we must adapt.

When the hydrogen droplets

have ceased,

we will live undetected

amongst the blunt skulls.

Beldar, how can we live

among the blunt skulls?

We will blend in.

My goodness, Mike Sanders. Wow.

Here's the man

that made it happen last match.

Hey, Otto, this dude's

almost as fast as you are.

No, this boy is the best.

Shows up on time,

gives me an honest day's work.

You can't find people like this.

That's right.

White boys and the brothers

show up late, loaf around.

- All they want is a cheque.

- I heard that.

Here is your Superjuicemaster.

Frequent cleaning of blades

will prevent wear

and accumulation of bacteria.

I told you, he's good.

If I could find three more like him,

I could retire.

It is time for midday cessation of

activities for protein-carbo intake.

- Sure. Take your lunch break.

- Lunch. Lunch.

The boy loves to eat.

Lunch. Lunch.

Greetings, earthwoman.

Time for midday consumption

of mass quantities.

I have re-radiated

leftover starch disc.

Pizza. I will enjoy it.

There. Warning. Do not sear

the top of your neck hole

in the molten lactate extract

of hoofed mammals.

Excellent. The final component

for the intergalactic communicator.

Correct.

There.

Perhaps tighten

the spiral dimension fasteners.

Beldar, activate the device!

Inform Marlax of our situation.

There is no advantage to delay.

Verscrub.

Phone home!

Omglath Marlax.

We haven't heard from you

in clarsogs.

I'm glad your life functions

are active.

Greetings, Marlax.

I trust you have enslaved the planet.

Unanticipated failure

of mentaglion drive

has caused us to

abandon our vessel in a fluid mass.

At what time coordinates

can we expect a rescue vessel?

Rescue vessel? You tarpaath!

I'd not like to be in your cone

when the Highmaster hears this.

He will not take it lightly.

I'll arrange for a starcruiser

to enter your solar system

in seven zerls.

Seven zerls!

Flargans. Remulak. Narpail.

Marlax, wait!

Seven zerls!

We should discuss something

that is far more important

than planetary conquest.

What could be more important

than planetary conquest?

Beldar, I am with Cone.

You? I? A young one?

Affirmative.

$8,000. This is the best week

I've ever had.

- And there's 1,200 for you, Beldar.

- Thank you.

You still haven't given me

your social security number.

My social security number?

I am sorry. I keep forgetting.

I need it. I got state payroll forms,

workman's comp.

You do have a number?

Of course.

I am a citizen of this planet.

Alright, my man, give me the numbers.

O... two... five...

...six...

...X point three...

...O... B...

...eight...

...seven...

You don't have

a social security number?

Correct.

- Why not?

- I am an illegal alien.

I knew you were too good to be true!

Every time I make money,

this happens. Where you from?

The planet Remulak.

I am Fuel Survey Underlord for...

Never mind.

Look, we'll work this out.

Here's the deal.

Your name is Donald R De Cicco.

Donald R De Cicco.

That's you. D-E capital-C-l-C-C-O.

Born August 11th, 1951,

in Brockton, Massachusetts.

- Brockton.

- And your name is?

- Donald R De Cicco.

- Right. Nice to see you.

Your wife is Mary Margaret Rowney,

born June 26th, 1955,

in Rhode Island.

- You're from where?

- Brockton.

My mother's from there!

You were married

June 4th, 1975, in Greece,

where you met after your graduation

from Hobart College.

- Hobart.

- Hobart College.

He's a wizard.

Everything you need is here.

Birth certificates, school records,

employers' addresses,

grandmother's maiden name.

They won't ask, but it's there.

And social security numbers. Name?

Donald R De Cicco.

Nice to meet you.

Welcome to the United States.

Right there. Up and down.

This is a fine craft.

It can be operated with ease.

Not so close, alright?

I'm not against closeness,

it's just not my thing.

In America, we got this thing

called space. There you go.

If you're gonna live here

and have kids, get yourself together.

Buy yourself a car,

maybe get a hat for that head.

And do something about those teeth.

You know what the key to success is?

I do not.

I'm gonna tell you.

Look good. Be your own boss.

Never get chained to a desk. When it

comes to business, take cash only.

Look good, be own boss,

no desk, cash only.

You got it.

- Got any more of that gum?

- Of course.

But if I chew and drive

I might hit something.

Please, I'm better with English.

All I'm getting is clicking noises.

Clicking?

Could you be a lamb

and have a seat?

Take-o uno seataro, por favor.

Hi, there. I'll take that.

Mr Seedling can't see anyone.

He's having one of those days.

Isn't that cute?

OK, that's not yours.

Bear in mind

these figures are not to scale.

I suggest we put electronic collars

on all the deportees.

We bury a wire along the border,

forming an invisible fence.

The next time this illegal

tries to enter the country...

A jolt he won't soon forget.

It'll send a nice message

to the rest of the population.

Let's get on this.

Why am I the only one

who sees the problem?

I don't know.

Everyone else hopes the problem

will go away. It won't.

You're right. It won't disappear.

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