Confessions of a Dangerous Mind

[Traffic sounds]

I wouldn't want

to live his life...

'cause he hasn't been happy

all of his life.

All I think is, if you can

find work, stay healthy...

find somebody to share it with,

you're the ultimate success.

He's had some of the pieces

of the puzzle...

but not all of them.

BURGER:
"I, Ronald Reagan,

do solemnly swear..."

REAGAN:
I, Ronald Reagan,

do solemnly swear...

BURGER:
"That I will faithfully

execute the office...

"of President of

the United States."

That I will faithfully

execute the office...

[Tone blares]

[Cartoon music playing]

BARRIS:
When you're young,

your potential is infinite.

You might

do anything. Nearly.

You might be Einstein...

you might be DiMaggio.

Then you get to an age

when what you might be...

gives way

to what you have been.

You weren't Einstein.

You weren't anything.

That's a bad moment.

[Knock on door]

Chuck, it's Pen.

[Peephole opens]

CHUCK:
Hey, Jesus.

How'd you find me?

You wrote me your last letter

on hotel stationery.

CHUCK:
Oh. It's great

to see you, Pen.

You look... you look beautiful.

PENNY:
This place is scary.

CHUCK:
Yeah. The human psyche.

PENNY:
I came to take you back

to California with me.

CHUCK:
Uh, no...

PENNY:
It's a lonely state

without you.

CHUCK:
I'm home, Red.

I can't wait forever

for you to marry me.

Well, apparently, I can,

but I really don't want to.

CHUCK:
Uh...

PENNY, CRYING:

I love you so much.

PENNY:
You don't understand.

I don't even know why.

CHUCK:
Oh, Penny...

Penny, Penny, Penny.

[Laughs]

[Sighs]

[Slow piano music playing]

[Chuck closes peephole]

CHUCK:
Listen. I gotta go. OK?

I'm kind of busy right now. OK?

BARRIS:
It was 1981...

and I had loved myself up

in this New York hotel...

the Phoenix Hotel...

terrified of everything,

ashamed of my life.

Until. Finally,

I realized my salvation...

might be in recording

my wasted life unflinchingly.

[Typing]

Maybe it would serve

as a cautionary tale...

and maybe it would help me

understand why.

When I was 11,

I had an experience...

with my sister's friend

Tuvia...

that left

an indelible impression.

- Hey.

- What?

- Tuvia.

- What?

You want to lick it?

[Scoffs]

No. Why should I?

Well, for one thing,

it tastes like strawberry.

My sister tells me

you love strawberries.

Yeah, well,

I hate strawberries.

CHUCK:
No, I'm serious.

It tastes exactly like

a strawberry lollipop.

TUVIA:
Look,

I know that's not true.

- Well, I bet you it does.

- I bet you it doesn't.

CHUCK:
I'll bet you a dollar.

BARRIS:
Tuvia... my first love.

[Typing]

Perhaps my whole life

turned at that point.

The repulsiveness

of my sex confirmed...

by the taste buds

of a rippening pubescent girl.

What are you doing?

Get off me!

And so I found myself...

in a downward spiral

of debauchery...

endlessly chasing p*ssy.

[Doo wop music playing]

[Loud kissing]

My only focus in life

to get laid. To get blown...

tying to fool myself

into believing...

that given

the right combination...

of circumstances

and deception...

maybe the Tuvias

of the world...

could desire me

the way I desired them.

[Thwack]

I only wanted to be loved.

[Moans softly]

CHUCK:
No...

[Sobbing]

# Won't you tell me why #

# I love #

[Zips pants]

# That girly so #

[Kissing]

# She doesn't want me #

BARRIS:
The constant

inarticulate rage...

led to bar fight

after bar fight.

[Faint laughter]

TV ANNOUNCER:
New York

is a city of people...

the only state

in the union to stretch...

from the Atlantic Ocean

to the Great Lakes.

Directly across the avenue is...

you're right again.

BARRIS:
I had learned

that television...

was an industry

with a futune...

so I packed up and moved

from Philly to Manhattan.

[NBC theme plays]

[NBC theme plays]

TOUR GUIDE:
We began making

commercial broadcasts in 1941.

and in 1953...

NBC made the first ever

color telecast by a network...

during

"The Colgate Comedy Hour."

Now we'll have a look

at the studio...

where they produce

"The Today Show"...

which NBC began

broadcasting in 1952.

CHUCK:
Excuse me, miss.

Do you know where I could apply

for an NBC page?

TOUR GUIDE:
Such as

"The Perry Como Show"...

which you can tune into

on Saturdays at 7:30.

"The Nat King Cole Show"...

which you won't want to miss,

on Tuesdays at 8 P.M.

And hold on one second.

OK.

And my personal favorite...

"The Lux Show"

starring Rosemary Clooney...

CHUCK:
Which you can enjoy

every Thursday at 10:00.

And of course,

"The Steve Allen Show"...

which delights us

every Sunday at 8:00.

You may also be interested

to know that Steve Allen...

actually got his start in

entertainment as an NBC page.

Ladies and gentlemen,

if you'll follow me...

MARY-ANN:

Raymond... in accounting?

He's kind of cute, huh?

WOMAN:
Cute is all

well and good, Mary-Ann...

but what you want is a man

who's going places...

A go-getter on

the management fast track.

MARY-ANN:

What about Mr. Waters?

CHUCK:
Yeah, management

training application, please.

How many people have applied

for this so far?

WOMAN:
Let's see.

Including you? About 2,000.

- For how many positions?

- Five.

[Bell dings]

Thanks, ma'am.

BARRIS:
Sometimes,

as a younger man...

I stretched the truth

to get what I wanted.

GEORGIA:
Tell me again!

CHUCK:
Head of

network sales at 30.

Head of

the entire network by 40!

I love you,

Mr. Chuck Barris...

management trainee.

[Both moaning]

BARRIS:
Life was sweet...

CHUCK:
Uhh.

For a minute.

WOMAN ON TV:
Everything's

either madly exciting...

on madly interesting.

I lope Sally never

bothers herself with you.

[Turns on faucet]

I got fired today.

Fired?

Yeah, fired.

GEORGIA:
Fined?

What the f***

did you get fired for?

CHUCK:
I don't know.

Efficiency cutbacks.

Some bullshit.

Look. It's gonna be fine.

I'm pregnant.

So, I figured,

I'm gonna skip town.

I intend to be important,

you know?

I can't be saddled with this.

Pbbt!

But then I remembered

something Carlyle said.

"Do the duty

which lies nearest thee."

So you see...

MAN:
Who's Carlyle?

Dear God.

Why do I even bother?

F*** you,

you condescending prick.

Pregnant?

Yeah, pregnant.

F*** you.

What the f***

did you get pregnant for?

F*** you.

What do you mean, what the f***

did I get pregnant for?

You got me f***ing pregnant,

you f***.

Well, f*** you.

F*** you.

- F***in'...

- F*** you.

F***.

F*** you.

[Dramatic music playing

on television]

GEORGIA:
Looks like

I was just late.

Oh, yes, we had a great time.

The crew loved him

and loved the show, you know?

Because it was crazy.

And we could do anything

we wanted to... sort of...

and, uh, yeah,

they liked him very much.

He was a good guy.

Even though he's a prick,

he's a good guy, too.

DICK CLARK:
"What is

labeled a dream faculty.

"Wouldn't school be wonderful

if we had a faculty like this?"

You need it. All right?

GIRL:
"Principal Sal Mineo.

Vice Principal Tony Perkins..."

CLARK:
Couldn't you see

going to a school...

Rate this script:0.0 / 0 votes