Confessions of a Dangerous Mind Page #2

where Sal Mineo

is the principal?

BARRIS:
In '61. I had become

a minor suit at ABC.

It was during

the music payola scandal...

so my job was to commute

to Philly every day...

to the "American Bandstand"

tapings...

to keep an eye on Dick Clark.

CLARK:
One more lady's choice

of the afternoon to go...

and suppose we make it

this one. OK?

BARRIS:
On weekends...

I used to hang around

amusement parks...

because that's where

the young girls were.

I wrote a song

about my experiences.

# When you stop at the top

of a Ferris wheel... #

I got it to

Freddy "Boom Boom" Cannon...

through my friendship

with Dick Clark.

Dick nearly wanted

to help me out.

CHUCK:
Hi.

- What?

- Hi.

Oh.

I wrote this song.

Huh.

It's number three

on the pop charts. See?

- Uh-huh.

- Yeah.

I believe there's

a great future in television.

Uh-huh?

So I'm gonna take my royalties

and create a pilot.

A pilot's what they call

a test TV show.

I work in TV.

Yeah? What's your name?

I'm Chuck.

- Debbie.

- Debbie.

CHUCK:
So, You live in Philly?

DEBBIE:

No, I live in Manhattan.

CHUCK:

It's gonna be a game show.

I believe there's

a great future in game shows.

DEBBIE:
Oh. That's good.

CHUCK:
Yeah. Everyone

loves game shows. Right?

DEBBIE:
I don't know.

CHUCK:
Well. They do.

DEBBIE:

Well. That's great. Then.

CHUCK:
Ha ha ha.

I'm on my way.

[Sighs]

PENNY:
Hello.

Hi.

[Breathes in]

CHUCK:
Uh... don't be alarmed.

I'm here with Debbie.

Yeah, I figured that.

Hungry?

Um, no, thanks.

PENNY:
Thirsty?

Sure, if you have a beer or...

How was sex with Debbie?

I always wanted to know.

It was good. Fine.

Thanks for asking.

No problem.

I just got f***ed

by this drummer cat...

a real righteous Negro hipster.

Heh. Interesting.

I'm into

the brotherhood of man.

I f***ed an Oriental last week.

- What are you?

- Jew.

I had one of those once,

but he was Sephardic.

[Mispronounces]

You look Ashke-nazi.

- Ashkenazi.

- Right, Ashke-nazi.

I haven't had one of those yet.

You're romantic.

Yeah. I just don't get

into all the bullshit...

between cats and chicks.

- I know what you mean.

- You know what I mean?

Besides, you just give

your heart to one cat...

and you get hurt.

Don't I know it?

PENNY:

We could ball if you want.

[Both laugh]

CHUCK:
Whoa-ho-ho.

That would be good.

Yeah, but... ha ha ha!

I'm here with Debbie.

It doesn't seem right.

[Laughing]

That's true.

I didn't think of that.

Well, I'm going to bed.

It was nice meeting you.

Hey, what's your name?

I'm Penny.

I'm Chuck.

- Chuck Barris.

- Yeah.

Yeah, you wrote

that Palisades song.

- I really like that song.

- Oh, thanks.

Yeah, it's real sentimental

bullshit.

CHUCK:
Oh, right.

["Palisades Park" playing]

# Last night

I took a walk after dark #

# A swingin' place

called Palisades Park #

# To have some fun

and see what I could see #

# That's where

the girls are #

# I took a hide

on the shoot-the-chute #

# That girl I sat beside

was awful cute #

# After it stopped,

she was holding hands with me #

# My heart was flyin' up #

# Like a rocket ship #

# Down. Like a roller coaster #

# Back. Like a loop-the-loop #

# And around,

like a merry-go-round #

# We ate and ate

at a lot dog stand #

# We danced around

to a rockin' band #

# And when I could.

I gave that girl a hug #

# In the Tunnel of Love #

# You'll never know

low great a kiss can feel #

# When you stop at the top

of a Ferris wheel #

# When I fell in love #

# Down at Palisades Park #

# Whoa-oh-oh-oh #

[People at park scream]

[Song fades out]

PENNY:
Last night

in my dream...

PENNY:
Last night

in my dream...

this ape and I are sitting

staring at each other...

and it was. Like,

across time and evolution.

And then he started talking...

but in a language

I didn't really understand.

[Laughs] Swiss, maybe.

And then he turned into

Perry Como... real square.

- What's wrong with you?

- Nothing.

PENNY:
You know,

just because we f***ed...

doesn't mean

there are strings now.

CHUCK:
[Laughs] OK.

PENNY:
I just wanted

to tell you about my dream.

Nothing more complicated

than that. Don't panic.

I'm just not used to

all this dating bullshit.

Now we're a couple.

Now I'm obliged to give

a sh*t what you say.

PENNY:
Don't worry.

I'm not into those games.

So anyway. The monkey

turns into Penny Como...

and I say...

- Holy f***.

- What?

CHUCK:
Holy, holy f***.

You just gave me an idea

for a show. F***.

PENNY:
A show about monkeys?

CHUCK:
No, about people.

About sex, about romance...

about the bullshit of dating.

I call it "The Dating Game"...

and that's what it's about,

Mr. Goldberg.

A pretty girl

asks three handsome guys...

who she can't see...

silly questions...

and based on their answers...

she picks one to date,

and we pay for the date.

That's it.

That's the show.

CHUCK:
Aah, Aah, Aah.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

- Hot damn!

- What, what, what?

- They bought it.

- Yeah.

CHUCK:
They bought it!

They're giving me 7,500

f***in' dollars to make a pilot!

PENNY:
We gotta go celebrate!

Let's go roller skating!

CHUCK:
I can't. I got a date.

PENNY:
OK, cool.

Will you call me after?

- OK.

- OK. Bye. Mwah.

[Upbeat music playing]

[No audio]

BARRIS:
I figured I was in.

All I had to do

was get the pilot made...

[Camera clicks]

and I'd be a millionaire.

Everyone would love me.

Was anyone even so young?

- No.

- No.

- No.

- No.

- No.

- All right. Lose it.

BARRIS:
ABC didn't like

"The Dating Game."

They did like a show

called "Hootenanny."

Whoa, whoa, whoa.

I like this one.

CHUCK:
Well, he led

an amazingly long life.

BARRIS:
Hooter-f***in'-nanny.

PENNY:
What do they know?

That's long for a dog.

I don't know.

Probably about 70 to you and me.

[Sighs] Uh-huh.

It's nine years

to every one of ours.

[Thump]

PENNY:
Ha ha ha!

[Bag rustles]

CHUCK:
Yeah.

[Penny laughing]

Uh-huh.

I'm sorry about your show.

What?

How long has he been dead?

Jesus, Phoebe, that's...

Yeah. No, I'll hold on.

- Is that your mom?

- My sister.

Come here. Oh, yeah.

I got you these.

Listen, Pen, I'm not...

I want to tell you something.

I talked to a psychic today.

- A what?

- A psychic.

And she said that you are

gonna be very successful.

- Oh, really?

- Very successful.

- Tarot cards?

- Tea leaves.

Say that again, Phoebe.

I missed it.

Tuvia? No, why would I

have seen her?

- She did?

- Who's Tuvia?

- To Manhattan?

- Who's Tuvia?

Yeah.

CHUCK:
Uh-huh.

Oh, your niece.

CHUCK:
Divorced? Really?

I didn't know she got married.

Yes?

Hi, Tuvia.

Well, if it isn't

Strawberry Dick Barris.

- What do you want?

- Ha ha ha!

I'm back in town for a while,

and I thought maybe...

TUVIA:
Jesus,

you gotta be kidding.

CHUCK:
We could go out

and get an ice cream cone.

He's so convincing

when he's... Heh heh...

when he's talkin' with you...

he could convince you

of anything, you know?

He's one of

the very few guys...

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