Confessions of a Dangerous Mind Page #3

I'd like to have on my side

in a street fight.

CHUCK:
You wanna fight,

you big pile of sh*t?

[Thud]

[Grunting and shouting]

You're a pretty angry

young fella.

Can't fight worth a damn,

though.

CHUCK:
Hey. Screw off. Queen.

Don't think I haven't seen you

watching me...

in that bar for a week now.

Kind of a loner, I'd say.

Fairly bright,

a tad antisocial.

Mad at the world.

Can I buy you lunch?

[Sighs] Look, there's

a schoolyard half a block down.

Why don't you go trollin' there?

JIM:
I can teach you

at least 30 different ways...

to kill a man with

a single blow, Mr. Barris.

It might help

in future bar fights.

Just a thought.

Oh, and there's money in it...

good money.

CHUCK:
I figure

if I can keep afloat...

until I come up with

the next game show idea...

then all would be copacetic.

That sounds great, Chuck.

I've never known

a television producer before.

I'm impressed.

[Chuckles] Yeah. OK.

What's this money and a deal

you were talking about?

JIM:
I work

for a government agency.

We're always looking for good,

enthusiastic men...

to help us carry out

our directives.

What kind of work?

What government agency?

Problem-solving work.

The Office

of Diplomatic Security.

[Laughs] Office of what?

I never heard of it.

Is that the f***in' CIA

or something?

Ha ha ha ha ha!

JIM:
Please be discreet,

Mr. Barris.

[Whispers] Jesus.

Is this the f***in' CIA?

Yeah. Hell, I'll be a spy.

Where do I sign up?

Are you f***in' with me?

You're f***in' with me,

aren't you?

JIM:
Hardly.

And you wouldn't be working

for the company.

You'd be an independent

contract agent.

Independent.

No official tie to any agency.

Understand?

Why me?

Well, as you know,

I've been watching you.

For quite some time, actually.

I've only let you know about it

for the last week.

I'm happy to report

you fit our profile, Mr. Barris.

Are you interested in the work?

What's the profile?

JIM:
Are you interested

in the work, Mr. Barris?

Yeah, sure.

I wanna be a secret agent.

A contract agent, whatever.

Get to f*** beautiful

Eastern European women...

What we do is very serious,

Mr. Barris.

It's essential in quelling

the rise of comunism...

and allowing democracy

to get its rightful foothold...

around the globe.

You understand?

Uh... sure.

Yeah, uh...

Yeah, OK. That's good.

[Clears throat]

INSTRUCTOR:
There are

several efficient methods...

for killing a man...

were you to find yourself

without a weapon.

The edge of your hand...

against your adversary's

Adam's apple.

This will crush his windpipe...

causing strangulation...

and death.

Hyuhh!

[Man gagging]

Sh*t!

I need another volunteer.

[Man gasping]

You're training me

to be a killer.

See, Chuck?

I knew you were fairly bright.

I'm not killin' people.

My future's in television.

You're 32 years old,

and you've achieved nothing.

Jesus Christ was dead

and alive again by 33.

You better get crackin'.

- I have ideas for shows.

- Good.

Why don't you spend another

six months developing them...

while you're staring

out the window...

waiting for

Larry Goldberg to call?

How do you know all this?

I know everything

about you, Chuck.

I know which hand

you jerk off with.

Left. Leave in the morning,

if you want.

I'm here to tell you, this is

honest work for good pay.

You're making

the world safer...

and your country

will be grateful.

It'll toughen you up.

CHUCK:
Wait a second!

Hey, we gotta talk about this.

BARRIS:
And there it was...

my defining moment.

I wasn't just gonna work

for the CIA.

I was gonna kill for them.

Call it patriotism.

[Gunfire]

[Dramatic music playing]

Glycerin is, of course...

the best known nitrating agent.

Keep in mind, though,

that nitro... ghycerine...

is extremely unstable.

A slight tap...

a one-degree change

in temperature...

and it'll blow up

in your hands.

So, let's mix us up a batch!

Everybody take

your 75-milliliter beaker...

and fill it up

to the 13-milliliter level...

with red-hot

fumin' nitric acid...

The field phone...

used as an instrument

of interrogation...

or torture.

[Electricity crackles]

Attaching firmly

to the genitalia.

[Fizzing and popping]

Hey, Ivan!

Are you now,

or have you ever been...

a member

of the Communist Party?

What's your Aunt Tillie's

recipe for vodka cookies?

[Laughs]

All right, Jack.

Take care, Lee.

[Starts engine]

I know a lot about him

that you are not gonna know.

I can't tell you.

Yeah.

I know some things about him

that are very distressing...

and, um...

and you wouldn't want

to know them about him.

[Music playing]

CHUCK:
So. What did

this guy Renda do. Anyway?

It's your job

to follow directives...

not question their validity.

CHUCK:
Uh... oh.

Por favor. Un, Seor...

No hablo ingls.

Ra-blah-blah

los bloteros?

[Speaks Spanish]

Ra-blah-blah

la minjares?

Hermano, help me, please.

- Seor. No habla ingls.

- No. No. No. No.

BENITEZ:

Can I be of some assistance?

JIM:
He's a bad guy.

He's one of the bad guys.

Bad for the U.S., right, Jim?

Not bad in an absolute sense,

just bad for the U.S.

Don't f***in' dance with me.

Renda's bad for

the Tea and Biscuit Company.

He's bad for me personally.

You work for me.

Renda's bad for me.

You're now officially

a patriotic citizen...

of the United States

of Jim Byrd.

There's no backing out now.

We've let you in on everything.

You don't play,

you don't leave.

Understand that?

You don't play, you don't leave.

JIM:
I like you. I do.

And you're gonna do fine

tomorrow...

and we're gonna become

good friends.

You can have

a nice little career...

but you have to grow up.

There's a war on.

[Starts engine]

[Insects buzzing]

["Star Spangled Banner" playing]

JIM:
Beautiful country,

isn't it?

CHUCK:
Yeah.

You did us proud today, Chuck.

Renda was a bad guy.

He really was.

[Chuck vomiting]

Chuck, is that you?

Chuck, is that you?

Jesus Christ, Pen!

You scared the sh*t out of me.

- Were you throwing up?

- What are you doing here?

I've been crashing here

for a while.

I've been waiting for you.

Where you've been?

Mexico. I was just

on a little vacation.

You didn't drink the water,

did you?

- Yeah.

- You're not supposed to.

That's Montessori's revenge.

- Montezuma's.

- Right.

You can't even open your eyes

or your mouth...

when you take a shower there.

Why is our water so good,

and their water is poisoned?

- It's in the same ocean.

- I don't know.

- Oh!

- Huh.

Um... I'm a hippie now.

[Both laugh]

Wow. Great.

I've been to San Francisco,

and it's amazing there.

[Snaps fingers]

Everybody loves everybody...

and there's so many colors.

And we're gonna change

the world.

[Snaps fingers]

Will you come back there

and be my old man with me?

Ha ha! Well, not that old.

Penny, I'm a little

tired now, so maybe...

Oh, wait, wait.

I got to play you this song.

["Sunshine Superman" playing]

DONOVAN:

# Sunshine came softly #

# Through my window today... #

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