Confessions of a Dangerous Mind Page #4

CHUCK:
Penny,

what did you do to my wall?

Some guy called... Gold bird.

Gold bird. Larry Goldberg?

You're kidding me!

Hi. This is Chuck Barris

returning for Larry Goldberg.

- Hi, Chuck.

- Mr. Goldberg.

I'm so sorry I didn't

get back to you right away.

I was out of town.

I was on vacation in Mexico.

Good for you.

Listen, I'm sitting here

and going through things...

and I have a hole

in my daytime schedule.

I think it might be right

for you and your baby.

My baby, Mr. Goldberg?

Chuck, "Dating Game."

Isn't that your baby?

- Yes, sir, it is.

- You're still interested?

Yes, sir.

Very interested, sir.

I've got six weeks

to get this on the air.

Is that doable

for you and your people?

My people? Six weeks?

Sure, yeah.

Give me a call when

you get to L.A., Chuck.

Oh, goddamn.

Hot dog.

F***ing sh*t. Piss.

PENNY:
Who's Larry Goldberg?

[Stomach gurgles]

[Applause]

Bachelor number one...

what would

I like most about you?

I'm very romantic...

and I'd send you

flowers every day.

BACHELORETTE:

Aw. That's so sweet.

Bachelor number three. What

would I like most about you?

My big cock.

[Laughter]

[Light applause]

[Laughs]

BACHELORETTE:

Bachelor number one...

what nationality are you?

BACHELOR NUMBER ONE:

Um... my daddy is Welsh...

my mama's Hunganian...

so I guess

that makes me well-hung.

[Laughter]

Bachelor number two...

I play the trombone.

If I blew you,

what would you sound like?

BACHELOR NUMBER TWO:

What would I sound like?

[Laughs]

All right. Ooh.

Ooh. Ooh. Ooh. Ooh.

Ooh. Ooh.

Ooh. Ooh. Ooh.

Ooh.

That's nice. Don't stop. Oh.

[Imitates trombone]

Blow it. Baby.

[Imitates trombone

playing shakily]

[Shoes squeak]

CHUCK:
Heh heh.

Chuck, quite frankly,

these episodes are unaidable.

CHUCK:
Look, Larry,

the show's spontaneous.

It's unscripted.

That's its charm.

I can't help what people say.

HANK:
Be that as it may,

we can't have black men...

getting blow jobs

on national television!

The point is not

that he's black, Hank.

HANK:
Well, I know that.

GOLDBERG:
Chuck. That's it.

We can't air this stuff.

If you can't retain

your spontaneity on the show...

without this lewd conduct,

it's over.

It's finished.

You're history.

Now, fix this f***ing thing,

or we got a problem.

Hi, folks.

Before we begin taping today...

I'd like to introduce you

to Mr. Peter Jenks...

of the Federal

Communications Commission.

OK?

Thank you, Mr. Barris.

I don't know if any of you

are aware of this...

but it's a federal offense...

to make lascivious remarks...

on a television

network broadcast.

The penalty...

for this disgusting...

un-American... behavior...

is one year in prison...

or a $10,000 fine...

or both!

Anyone...

making a sick subversive

remark tonight...

will be arrested immediately.

l, then,

will personally escort...

the offender

to federal prison...

for booking

under edict number 364...

of the Broadcasting Act

of 1963.

And it's a long drive

to that prison, baby.

Just you and me.

No witnesses:

CHUCK:

OK. Have fun. Everybody.

All right.

They gave everybody jackets

with their names on them...

and when we got number one

ratings on Saturday nights...

everybody got a gold plaque.

And so, he was a good boss...

and obviously

had the common touch...

because he really knew

what people wanted to watch.

BARRIS:
We aired

and became a big hit.

A phenomenon. Nearly.

CHUCK:
Hey, baby.

[Sighs]

I got a story to tell you.

- A**hole.

- I know, I know.

Uhh. I got

a little story for you.

LORETTA:
I'm busy.

We're in the middle...

of a bachelorette crisis

out there.

CHUCK:
Sit down, relax.

Take a load off.

Make yourself at home.

I just got a call

from the network.

- You want a drink?

- You got any weed?

CHUCK:
I wish. No. No weed.

Then I'll have a drink.

[Chuck sighs]

LORETTA:
Bad news?

"The Tammy Grimes Show" is being

pulled from Saturday night.

- Oh, not Tammy.

- Ha ha ha ha.

They want me to put

a primetime version...

of "The Dating Game"

on in its place.

- That's f***ing great.

- Yeah, it's great...

but they say the daytime version

is not hot enough.

They want me to make it

more exciting for nighttime.

I got 48 hours.

LORETTA:
What have you got?

[Sighs]

I don't have a clue.

I got nothing. Bupkus.

This is a big deal, Loretta.

My big break.

I know. [Exhales]

- Don't blow it.

- Oh, thanks for the help.

[Sighs]

[Slow jazz music playing]

JIM:
Let me

ask you something, Chuck.

Jesus. What the...

What are you doing here?

JIM:

I've been put in clange...

of a fairly large

wet operation...

and I could use your help.

[Scoffs]

Have you noticed, Jim?

I got a TV show on the air.

I don't need to kill people

for hire anymore.

I know you don't need to,

but you like to.

Bullshit.

Think of it as a hobby...

something you do to relax.

You can be

an assassination enthusiast...

a murder bug.

I got important things

to think about here.

I don't have time

to f*** around with you.

This is serious work

we're talking about, Chuck...

serious work.

How about I help you out

with your little show...

you help me out

with my little operation?

Tit for tat.

That's the kind of guy I am.

Oh, yeah.

You're a piece of work.

I've seen this "Dating Game"

of yours, Chuck...

and I do have a thought.

What, now you're

a big television producer?

JIM:
I'm John Q. Public

when it comes to TV...

and that should make my opinion

of value to you.

CHUCK:
All right,

let's hear it, then.

JIM:
What do you have?

Some couple gets sent...

to some second-rate

sh*t-can restaurant...

setting you back 50 bucks?

That's not

too exciting a prize...

for us vicarious living b*obs

out in TV land.

- What's your point?

- Up the stakes, Chuck.

Send them

to some exotic locale...

Europe, Southeast Asia,

for example.

The network's not going

to let me send...

two unmarried kids

on vacation together.

JIM:
Send them with a chaperone.

CHUCK:
That's...

That's not half bad.

JIM:
I'm telling you.

Sometimes you could be

the chaperone.

Say we have a job

for you in Austria.

You, a successful

television producer...

chaperones a young couple.

While there, you take care

of some company business.

It's a perfect cover.

TV producer by day,

CIA operative at night.

I got money, Jim.

I don't have to kill people

for money anymore.

Chuck, when I said

you fit the profile...

very little of that meant

you needed the money.

You liked it with Renda.

I saw it in your eyes.

You liked it,

but you botched it.

You could be

a great warrior, Chuck.

BACHELORETTE:

Bachelor number three...

if we were fixed up

on a date...

and I ignored you...

DIRECTOR:
This guy's

never been on a date.

[Snaps fingers]

Ready, four. Take four.

Well, I'm not used

to being ignored...

but I would...

I'd give you your space.

The only date this guy's

had is with his right hand.

[Both laugh]

Ready, one. Take one.

[Audience laughing]

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