Confessions of a Dangerous Mind Page #5

Bachelor number three,

what if I pick you...

DIRECTOR:

God. She's going for the three.

Ready. Four. Take four.

[Snaps fingers]

The only way

that you could be ughy...

is by what you say or do.

I don't know.

From where I'm sitting...

I think you're beautiful.

DIRECTOR:
I can't believe it.

BACHELORETTE:

Bachelor number three...

can you please tell me

what a girl is like...

who las never been

on a date before...

and low you can tell?

Well... I'll ask her

what she likes to do...

and if she doesn't know what

she likes to do...

then I'll know

she hasn't done it yet.

[Applause]

[Game show music playing]

BACHELOR NUMBER THREE:

Why don't you talk to her?

You can do that.

She's really shy.

You have to tell her.

That's your job.

Tell her that I think

she's real pretty...

and I want

to be her boyfriend.

I'm shy, too.

You got to tell her that, Chuck.

I used to skate

when I was young.

I told her that.

She didn't even look at me.

You got to talk to her, Chuck.

It's your job.

She picked me,

not those other guys.

You're the chaperone, Chuck.

She called me gay.

I'm not gay.

You got to tell her that.

You're not doing your job

very well.

I mean,

I know it takes time...

for people to get

to know each other...

but this is ridiculous.

They thought he was...

They sort of walked

a straight line...

because they used to talk

about him...

saying, you know,

"This guy, he can turn on you."

You know,

and I never saw that side...

but a lot of the crew thought

he could turn on them.

Chuck?

[Slow jazz music playing]

JIM:
Helsinki is wonderful

this time of year.

Especially the snow.

It affords one solitude...

even in a city full of people.

Excuse me.

Is this seat taken?

By you.

[Sighs]

Helsinki is wonderful

this time of year, isn't it?

Yes, it is.

Oh, I'm sorry. Um...

Excuse me.

Helsinki is wonderful

this time of year, isn't it?

Especially the snow.

It affords one solitude...

even in a city full of people.

Hey...

I'm Chuck. Ahem.

So I gathered.

CHUCK:
And you are?

Here you are, Chuck.

At least give me

a made-up name...

something for me to cry out...

during those dark nights

of the soul.

Cry out, "Olivia."

That's "Twelfth Night."

Very good, Chuck.

I'm pleasantly surprised.

You're not like

the other murderers.

[Dramatic music playing]

MAN:
Here.

CHUCK:
Do you have it?

- Do you have it?

- Oh, sorry.

CHUCK:
Don't worry.

We're not going to cheat you.

MAN:
Year. Just the same.

- Unh!

- Sorry about your teeth.

[Fires with silencer]

[Body falls]

[Fires with silencer]

Chuck?

Chuck?

[Music fades]

[Exhaling, whistling]

[Hums]

[Beethoven's

"Moonlight Sonata" playing]

CHUCK:
Olivia?

It's Patricia, actually.

PATRICIA:
So. Then I spent

a year in Operation Chaos...

inside the anti-war movement...

nudging it towards violence

to discredit it.

That was fun.

CHUCK:
It sounds fun.

So, tell me, Patricia,

why did you come here tonight?

Ahem.

I don't know.

You're kind of cute

in a homely sort of way, and...

It's lonely when

the civilian you're f***ing...

calls out the name

on your fake passport.

CHUCK:
All the information

I have about myself...

is from forged documents.

Nabokov.

[Glass shatters]

[Objects clatter]

Wait, wait.

I got to go into the bathroom

and take care of something.

Leave the microfilm in, baby.

[Upbeat music playing]

# Hoo! #

# Hull! #

Chuck.

# Hey! #

Do you know when my episode

is going to air?

OK. See you, Chuck. Bye.

JIM:
Chuck,

this is Simon Oliver.

Everything go OK?

You don't look too good.

Mr. Barris, do not ever again

jeopardize one of my missions...

by having a game show contestant

standing around as a witness.

- Is that understood?

- You're welcome, pal.

Do I make myself clear?

F*** you.

They're my contestants.

You are a bloody amateur.

- You're a f*ggot.

- Chuck.

OLIVER:
Tell me, Mr. Barris.

Are you in possession

of my microfilm?

- Yeah, I got it.

- Let's have it, then.

It's up my ass, Oliver.

Why don't you get it?

What is this sh*t?

I deserve a little appreciation

for my efforts here, Jim.

SIMON:
What do you think

Patricia Watson was?

Prick.

EUBANKS:
Really? OK.

He said he dated none of them.

That's right.

[Applause]

- Sandra?

- Um. Six of them.

LORETTA:
Well,

if it isn't the hit man.

- What?

- The hit man.

ALL:
Surprise!

[Cheering]

ABC's going to pick up

"The Newlywed Game"!

Daytime and primetime!

You're kidding me!

Oh, my God!

That's sensational.

You mean it? Fantastic!

Whoo:

EUBANKS:
OK. Here's the last

of our five-point questions.

Girls. Tell me where,

specifically...

is the weirdest place

that you personally, Girls...

have even gotten the urge

to make whoopee.

The weirdest place, Olga?

OLGA:
Um...

[Audience laughs]

EUBANKS:
Yes, Olga?

In the ass?

[Audience laughs]

No, no, no. No, the...

HUSBAND:
It's still there.

EUBANKS:
No. No.

What I'm talking about...

is the weirdest location,

the weirdest place. Yeah.

OLGA:
I don't know.

[Audience laughing]

Oh!

EUBANKS:
Olga...

Olga. The word is

the location on place.

You know what I mean?

ESQUIVEL:

# Mucha muchacha #

# Mucha muchacha #

# Mucha muchacha #

# Mucha muchacha #

# Mucha muchacha #

# Mucha muchacha #

# Mucha muchacha #

# Ba ba ba ba baile #

# Ba #

# Al #

# Al #

# Ba ba ba ba ba-ba-ba #

# Ra pa pa

na pa ba na pa #

# Ra pa pa na pa ba na pa #

# Ra pa pa

na pa ba na pa #

# Ra pa na pa ba na pa #

# Ra pa pa na pa ba na pa #

# Ra pa pa na pa ba na pa #

[Music fades]

BARRIS:
I liked Penny.

I even loved her. In my way.

But the idea

of tying myself down...

for the rest of my life...

I remember

my parents' marriage.

We need a new icebox.

[Radio playing faintly]

["The Newlywed Game"

theme plays]

[Applause]

AUDIENCE:
Ooh...

BARRIS:
"The Newlywed Game"...

was based on my theory

that almost any Amenican...

would sell out their spouse

for a washer. Dryer...

on a lawn mower

you can hide on.

Such was my respect

for that most holy of unions.

- "Interpret."

- Interpret.

Oh. Do you have

an extra "R" I can borrow?

I'm not going

to give you a letter.

You're lucky I don't make you

forfeit a turn.

Oh, OK.

You look cute today, Pen.

I always look cute.

Don't distract me.

[Blows]

What was I going to say?

I don't know.

What were you going to say?

[Music playing faintly]

I think

we should get married...

because we've known

each other forever...

and we've f***ed

each other forever.

And you think I'm cute,

you just said.

And you always come to me

when you're in trouble...

and I'm nothing

like your mother...

What does that mean?

What is that?

I'm just kidding.

Don't ask me

to marry you again, OK?

# I don't use a knife #

# Don't need a gun #

BARRIS:
I couldn't breathe.

I was drowning.

And what the f*** did my mother

have to do with it?

So I made a call.

[Water running]

[Turns off water]

[Door opens, closes]

JIM:
Over here,

strawberry dick.

[Enters stall]

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