Confessions of a Dangerous Mind Page #6

CHUCK:
How do you know

those things?

JIM:
We know what she actually

thought it tasted like.

CHUCK:
Really?

I could never find that out.

JIM:
That's on

a need-to-know basis.

What can I do for you?

CHUCK:

I really need something, Jim.

I need something for my head.

JIM:
I got something

for your head.

LANGE:
And you're going

on your date...

to fabulous

West Berlin, Germany.

["The Dating Game" theme plays]

[Applause]

[Music fades]

[Accordion music playing]

The name's Hans Colbert.

Other side of the wall.

We don't like him very much.

You'll be working with

a kraut named Keeler.

He's been tailing Colbert

for a month.

Knows the routine.

Keeler's a drunk...

so stay sober and take charge.

It's done and done.

[Dramatic music playing]

Kill for me, baby.

[Rumbling]

[Electricity crackles]

[Coughs]

[Click]

[Keeler writing]

[Writing]

What are you writing, Sieg?

Just keeping track of anything

that happens in the...

[Speaking German]

Ah.

[Continues writing]

[Accordion music playing]

MAN:
Ha.

CHUCK:
That's him.

Too many people.

[Laughing]

[Music stops]

[Keeler whistles faintly]

Chuck. Chuck.

- All right.

- Take the camera.

What is this?

Aah!

What the...

[Muffled yells]

- Take a picture.

- Take a what?

Take a picture.

Picture. Come on.

Take a picture.

Danke schon.

He would disappear for

a week or so at a time...

and his secretary would

just say he's out of town.

We didn't know

where he went, so...

I don't know

whether it's true or not.

I... I couldn't say.

BARRIS:
The only reason

the KGB didn't kill me...

was they needed me...

to trade for one of

their Russian agents.

I promised myself

if I got out of this...

I'd live my life differently.

I'd throw myself into work,

into life.

Penny. I needed to see

Penny again.

And tell Byrd I'm out...

for good.

If I could just make it past

this one last man...

this one... last...

I don't know what was worse...

that I was duped by

that fat f***ing bachelor...

on that it took seven of us

to replace him.

[Goat bleating]

You're still in one piece?

CHUCK:

Where the f*** you been?

Did you have a nice flight?

F*** you. Where you been?

I got one contact, Jim...

and it's you, and if you

disappear, I got no one.

You understand?

[Loud music]

# I tip my lat

to the new constitution #

# Take a bow

for a new revolution #

# Smile and grin at the change

all around me #

# Pick up my guitar

and play #

# Just like yesterday #

# Then I get on my knees

and pray #

# We don't get fooled

again #

# No. No #

# If I had a hammer #

# I'd a-hammer in the morning #

# I'd a-hammer

in the evening #

- She's good, huh?

- She's very good. Very good.

That's great.

That's fine.

Thank you so much.

But I can sing the whole song.

That was wonderful. Great.

That was enough.

That was fine.

All right.

Bring in the next thing.

Christ, there's gotta be

somebody in America...

with some talent. Hi!

FEMALE EXECUTIVE: Now,

I saw her in a little club.

You're gonna love her.

[Playing guitar]

[Singing atonally]

# If I had a hammer #

# I'd hammer

in the morning #

# I'd hammer in the evening #

# All over this land #

# I'd hammer out danger #

# I'd hammer out a warning #

# I'd hammer out

love between #

# My brothers

and my sisters #

# All over this land #

[Gunshot]

[Bell tolls]

# All over this land #

[Gong clangs]

# If I were a... #

- Oh, no, thank you.

- That's great. Fantastic!

That was great.

We'll be in touch.

Thank you. Thank you.

We've been going

about this all wrong.

Rather than killing ourselves

trying to find good acts...

we just put bad ones

and kill them!

Chuck, honestly, this...

and I know you like them...

this is torture.

No, no, no. We kill 'em

before they're through.

As soon as

it gets unbearable...

we kill 'em... dead!

["The Gong Show" theme plays]

Ladies and gentlemen,

this act...

Ah. Oh, this is so good!

I love this, man.

This next act answers

the age-old question!

If you wear a cellophane...

if you...

Whish:
OK.

[Audience laughs]

If you wear... ha ha...

a cellophane suit...

can people

clearly see you're nuts?

I don't know.

A little humor, folks.

All the way from Pacoima...

Mick Donnelly!

[Cheers and applause]

[Music plays]

[Off-key] # Raindrops

keep falling on my head #

# Just like the guy #

# Whose feet

are too big for his bed #

# Nothin' seems to fit

those #

# Raindrops are fallin'

on my head #

# They keep fallin' #

# So I just did me

some talkin' to the sun #

# And I said I didn't like #

# The way he got things done #

# Sleepin' on the job,

those... #

BARRIS:
Who could have known

there were so many Amenicans...

just waiting for

the opportunity to get on TV...

and make an ass

out of themselves?

# Raindrops keep fallin'

on my head #

# But that doesn't

mean my eyes #

# Will soon be turnin' red #

[Audience booing]

# Cryin's not for me, 'cause #

# I'm never gonna stop

the rain by complainin' #

# Because I'm... #

[Gong]

We'll be back

with more stuff...

right after this message.

You know what the sad part

about it is...

Barris has a reputation...

for lowering

the bar of television...

and the standards and all...

but he had a great feel

for what people wanted...

and he couldn't take

the criticism.

BARRIS:
Things started

to evolve pretty quickly.

The show was

gaining momentum...

and I was becoming the one

thing I didn't expect...

famous.

- You're Chuck Barris, right?

- Yeah.

"The Gong Show."

I love that show.

Thanks.

WOMAN:
Hi.

Hi.

I thought that was you.

Yeah... it's me.

[Woman laughs]

Well, I'm glad to meet you.

I've seen "The Gong Show."

Oh. Yeah, well...

I think you're the most

insidious, despicable force...

in entertainment today.

How dare you subject

the rest of the world...

to your loathsome views

of humanity?

Yeah... I don't think

it's that loathsome.

What is it, then?

To mock some

poor lonely people...

who are just craving a little

attention in their lives...

to destroy them?

I mean, they're still people.

They still deserve a little

respect and compassion.

Who the hell are you...

and what the f***

have you ever done...

to elevate yourself

among the pathetic masses?

Oh, that's right.

You created "The Dating Game."

Wow.

That's right up there

with the Sistine Chapel.

[Drink spills]

Ladies and gentlemen...

it wouldn't surprise me

to see this next act...

[Upbeat music begins]

MAN:
Whoo.

That means...

it's Gene Gene,

the Dancing Machine...

and just in time!

[Gene's dancing music plays]

FEMALE CRITIC:

He represents more...

than just the decline

of quality television.

In my opinion. Chuck Barris

will do more harm...

to our society

than people seem to realize.

LORETTA:

Line one's for you. Chuck.

- Who is it?

- Some guy.

He says he's a friend

of yours from Berlin.

Hello.

Very gutsy, my neighbor.

I guess you heard about Oliver.

Someone changed sides.

[Car door opens,

street noises]

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