Confessions of a Dangerous Mind Page #7

What was so urgent?

[Car door closes]

[Street noises]

KEELER:
I was wondering,

you wanna grab a bite?

I'm in town for a day.

BARRIS:
Now,

assassins don't fraternize.

That Keeler was calling me...

could mean it was

my turn to get lit.

I would take him somewhere

where I knew I would be safe.

How's show biz?

Well, it's hit and miss.

I got a new show called

"Operation Entertainment"...

which I believe

is really, really gonna kill.

It's sort of a Bob Hope

visiting the troops thing...

but it's weekly.

Instead of Bob Hope,

it's like Flip Wilson...

Chuck. Tch.

Why do you do what you do?

Hm?

I like to think that

I bring joy and laughter...

to millions of people.

It's a very important thing,

I think...

in these difficult times.

I'm not saying the show is

as good as it can be yet...

but, uh...

KEELER:
No. No.

Why do we do what we do?

Hm? [Laughs] Come on.

I got my feet wet

in World War II.

Germany.

The pleasure of killing

was exhilarating.

Later in life, I...

couldn't find a place

to fill that void...

to get that

same rush of energy.

So I started up

my own business.

MAN:
Gentlemen.

are you ready to order?

I'll have a green salad,

no dressing.

And for you, sir?

Can I get a steak? Rare.

Thank you.

Let me read you something.

"Whatsoever your hand

finds to do...

"do it ghadly...

"because there is no work,

love, knowhedge...

"or wisdom in the grave."

Who is that, Carlyle?

No, it's the Old Testament.

It's God.

It's amazing

you should quote him.

He's my hero.

[Both laugh]

Killing my first man...

was like making love

to my first woman.

I remember

every little detail...

the smell of his lain...

ice on the window...

wallpaper.

It's like entering

a different time zone.

You're becoming an outsiden...

isolating yourself.

You're condemned.

CHUCK:
Condemned?

KEELER:
You have become...

their sadness. And...

live in a different

state of mind.

Ladies and gentlemen...

the lost of "The Gong Show"...

[Chuckles]

Chuck Barris.

It's good to see you, Sieg.

KEELER:

Yeah. It'll be all right.

It'll be all right.

WOMAN:
# Happy birthday #

KEELER:
I think.

# To you #

# Happy birthday #

# Dean Chuckie #

# Happy birthday #

# To you #

Is that right?

Yeah. That's real good.

That's real good.

So what's wrong, Chuck?

Are you OK?

So what's wrong, Chuck?

Are you OK?

Yeah, I'm OK.

A guy I know

killed himself last night.

A guy I know killed himself.

- Who was he?

- You don't know him.

He's a stagehand.

Why did he do it?

He didn't like

his work anymore.

- Thanks.

- Thanks.

Is being a stagehand

really. Really bad?

Yeah, it's pretty bad.

Hello?

You were supposed to meet me

at the Palm two hours ago.

- Oh, f***, I forgot.

- You forgot. Really?

- Keeler's dead. Did you know?

- Yeah, I heard.

- What did you hear?

- I heard he took himself out.

Is that right?

Did Byrd tell you that?

He said he was depressed.

I was gonna tell you, but... Hey!

Who is this?

I don't get stood up.

Do you understand?

Fun:
Excuse me.

[Both laugh]

So ghad... Penny. Patricia.

How'd you find me?

Are you serious?

This is what I do for a living.

What does she mean?

You're dead in my book,

strawberry dick.

- Strawberry dick?

- I'll see you around.

Nice to meet you, Penny.

I've heard a lot about you.

Why don't you stay

for a cocktail?

Penny...

And... and... you know, man...

I'm giving you

one more chance. Get it?

[Sighs] F***.

[Audience applauds]

MAN:
Thank you,

ladies and gentlemen.

[Plays intro to

"Fools Rush In"]

[Off-key] # Wise men say #

# Only fools #

# Rush in #

# But I can't help #

# Falling in love #

# With you #

# Take my land #

# Take my whole life #

# Too #

# For I can't help #

# Falling in love #

# With you #

# For I can't help #

# Falling in love #

# With #

# You #

[Weak applause]

Thank you,

ladies and gentlemen.

LORETTA. OVER INTERCOM:

Line one for you. Chuck.

Thanks.

Yeah?

JIM:
Keeler didn't

kill himself.

He was murdered.

Watch your back.

[Hangs up]

You can come in now.

Mr. Flexner.

Chuck:

[Chuck hangs up phone]

- Great to see ya.

- What's up, Rod?

[Chuckles]

Well... Chuck, may I sit?

Hey, how's that redhead?

She's good, you know.

Keeps...

Well, Chuck, the thing is,

we have to talk.

What's up, Rod?

Well, the thing is...

some of your old shows

aren't doing so well...

in the old ratings wan.

Ha ha ha!

So... I've been put

in the unfortunate position...

of laving to inform you...

that the network

is canceling these shows.

Now, don't shoot me, Chuck.

I'm just the messenger.

Psshh.

Aargh. [Chuckles]

[Sighs]

This really is the hardest part

of the job for me.

CHUCK:

They killed my babies...

just like that.

I pushed them into the world...

through the birth canal

of my imagination...

Iovinghy... tenderly.

Where's the humanity

of these people? Huh?

- F*** 'em.

- F*** 'em.

They're f***ing bastards anyway.

Yeah. What am I gonna do now?

WOMAN:
Oh, baby.

Oh, yeah. Feels so good.

[Woman moans softly]

Chuck?

PENNY:
Chuck?

F***. F***.

Penny, f***.

I came here to tell you

I sold a painting.

That's great.

What's she doing here?

CHUCK:
She's. Uh...

PENNY:
This is our house.

It's one thing to go elsewhere

for your p*ssy needs.

But this is our house.

It's my house, Pen.

It's our house.

I found it with you.

I decorated it with you.

I spent six f***ing months...

waiting for the f***ing plumber

to f***ing come.

CHUCK:
I'm sorry.

You're such an a**hole.

[Starts engine]

No, I'm not saying that.

That's not what I'm saying.

PENNY:
Then what

are you saying, Chuck?

[Sniffles]

[Crying] Do you want me

around or not?

Do you even like me?

Of course I like you.

Penny...

- How much?

- What?

I need to know

how much you like me.

I don't know what that means.

How much? How can I rate

a person in that way?

You could if you felt it.

If you felt it,

it would be easy.

You would just...

[Exhales]

spread your arms

as wide as they would go...

and say, "This much, Penny."

[Whispering] Everything...

Everything's complicated, Pen.

You know, nothing's

black and white like that.

Do you want me around or not?

Because if you don't, it's OK.

Just tell me.

Hey, hey...

I love you, Penny, in my way.

Maybe not in that crazy

head-over-heels thing...

but what is that anyway?

Romantic love...

isn't that just an illusion?

You just said

you loved me, right?

[Sniffles]

[Music fades in]

# Just like yesterday #

# And I'll get on my knees

and pray #

# We don't... #

[Turns off music]

JIM:
Hi, Chuck.

Hey, Jim, what do you want?

- How's work?

- Great.

Any new game show ideas?

Dozens. Why are you here, Jim?

We need you to find the mole

and take him out.

Yeah.

[Laughs]

Yeah...

I'm done killing people.

I just want

to entertain people.

I'm out.

No, you're not.

Hey, I got an idea.

If you want him so bad...

why don't you do it?

Why don't you kill the mole?

Any problem with killing, Jim?

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