Confessions of a Dangerous Mind Page #8

I just don't fit the profile.

What f***ing profile?

There is no f***ing profile.

OK. There's no profile.

- There's no profile.

- OK.

You had a twin sister,

stillborn...

strangled

by your umbilical cord.

Your first hit.

Your mother always

wanted a daughter.

She blamed you

for your sister's death...

so until your sister

Phoebe was born...

she raised you as a girl.

What else?

Your father, the dentist.

Not really your father.

Your real father was a man

named Edmond James Windsor.

Among other things,

he was a serial killen...

a fact

your mother didn't know...

when she had an affair

with him in 1928.

- That's ridiculous.

- Is it?

That's insane.

Windsor died in

the electric chain in 1939.

I'm trying to think of

what more I can tell you...

but you have me at a bit

of a disadvantage, Chuck.

I don't have your files

in front of me.

Come on, Jim.

I'm out.

As long as the mole's alive,

you're a dead man.

How do I know it's not you?

You're a fairly bright guy.

You'll figure it out.

[Ominous chords]

[No audio]

[No audio]

[Ominous music continues]

[Bagpipe music fades in]

- Hey, Chuck. I...

- Take it off.

Who are you?

What's your name?

[Gong]

[Audience applauds]

[Incidental game show music]

Yeah...

that's the way it goes on TV.

CHUCK:
Get off the stage.

Go back to Scotland.

Get yourself a Guinness

and some Lucky Charms.

All right.

Ladies and gentlemen...

the prince of puns...

the wizard of whoopee!

[Applause]

The Unknown Comic!

Hey, Chuckie, baby!

Hey, Chuckie, baby,

I got a joke for you.

- A joke.

- What?

What's the difference

between toilet paper...

and a shower curtain?

- I don't know. What?

- Here's the guy!

- Get off the stage.

- No, it's my turn, Chuckie.

- Get off the stage.

- You're f***ing crazy, man.

Get the f*** out of here.

Ladies and gentlemen...

our next act... Ha ha!

First came...

To us... all the way...

Um... ha ha...

Lord.

Crazy on coast-to-coast.

Come on.

You like the way Mommy looks?

Yes.

I bet you'd like to be a mommy

some day, wouldn't you?

Come here, You.

[Renda crying out]

CHUCK:
Sorry about

your teeth.

MOTHER:

#... birthday to you #

# Happy birthday to you #

# Happy birthday,

dear Chuckie #

# Happy birthday to... #

Come on. Take me away now.

Take me away.

What are you waitin' for?

Come on. Come on.

Come on.

I see you.

I know who you are.

What are you looking at?

[Music starts]

SINGERS:

# If I had a hammer #

# I'd a-hammer

in the morning' #

# I'd a-hammer

in the evenin' #

# All over this land #

# I'd a-hammer out danger #

# I'd a-hammer out a warning' #

# I'd a-hammer out love #

# Between my brothers

and my sisters #

# All over #

# This land #

# Ooh ooh ooh #

# If I had a bell #

# I'd a-ring it

in the mornin' #

# I'd a-ring it

in the evenin' #

# All over this land #

# I'd ring out danger #

# I'd ring out a warning #

# I'd ring out #

# Love between my brothers

and my sisters #

# All over #

# This land #

# Ooh #

# If I had a song #

# I'd sing it

in the morning #

# I'd sing it

in the evenin' #

# All over this land #

# I'd sing out danger #

# I'd sing out a warning #

# I'd sing out love #

# Between my brothers

and my sisters #

# All over #

# This land #

# This land #

BARRIS:
Dean Penny...

this is just a note to say

that I'm sorry...

for all of it.

You were the best pant

of my life...

and I couldn't see it.

I'm not asking

for another clance...

just for your forgiveness.

Love. Chuck.

[Knock on door]

Well...

Look who comes out of hiding.

CHUCK:
I started thinking,

Trish, you're the only woman...

in the world

who really... who really knows me.

I know I screwed you over

in the past...

and I'm sorry. I...

[Piano concerto plays]

I just want you

to know that...

I hate myself for how...

Goddamn, I hate myself

for how I lived, Trish.

PATRICIA:
Nietzsche says

whoever despises oneself...

still respects oneself

as one who despises.

CHUCK:
Sh*t,

I never thought of that.

I can't even despise myself

with any insight.

The insane asylums

are filled with people...

who think

they're Jesus or Satan.

Very few have delusions

of being...

a guy down the block who works

for an insurance company.

All right.

What is this stuff?

I wanted to be a writer once.

I wanted to write something...

that someday some lesser person

would quote...

but I never did.

I'm the lesser person, Trish.

I never say

anything meaningful...

that wasn't said

by somebody else first.

I am disposable.

I disposed of people,

and I'm disposable.

I've been thinking about you

a lot lately, Chuck.

- Oh, yeah?

- Mm.

I've missed you.

You could have fooled me.

Well, I've mellowed.

[Chuckles]

Boston is a beautiful city.

We could start over here,

normal life together.

Sell insurance.

[Laughs]

Yeah. That sounds good.

That sounds right.

Look at that.

I could learn to love

that skyline.

Did you see

I got your picture framed?

Oh, yeah? Where?

- Look.

- Oh, hot dog!

To life.

To life.

You devil. Isn't that sweet?

Oh...

Hey, what about splitting

our time in New York?

F***. I just bit...

It's just a... [Gags]

[Gagging]

[Gasping, grunting]

PATRICIA:
No, that's too quick.

You're supposed to get to

the bathroom and throw up first.

God, Chuck, you should have

seen Oliver's face.

It was just... well...

if I do say so myself.

I got a nice snapshot of it,

actually.

Mm...

You know, Keeler was easy.

Traveled halfway around

the world for a night with me.

Hm...

[Chuck panting]

OK... Let's see...

[Grunts]

Chuck, you've put on weight.

Come on.

I nearly blew it with Byrd.

Never farm out a job

that you should do yourself.

Do you want a laugh?

He thought you were the mole.

He was going to kill you.

What an idiot.

"I'm not at all the person

you and I took me for."

Hm. Sounds like an epitaph.

Your handwriting, too.

You see, Chuck,

I save everything.

All of your lovely notes.

Mm.

[Labored breathing]

You know what?

I like Carlyle best, too.

I really do. Yeah.

Say hi to the boys

when you see 'em.

Ooh...

Oh...

To life. [Clink]

[Piano concerto continues]

[No audio]

BARRIS:
My name

is Charles Hinsch Barris.

I have written pop songs.

I have been

a television producer.

I am responsible

for polluting the air waves...

with mind-numbing,

puerile entertainment.

In addition. I have murdered

JUSTICE OF THE PEACE:

We have come here today...

to join Penny Pacino

and Chuck Barris...

in holy matrimony.

You all know Chuck Barris...

creator of "The Dating Game."

"The Newlywed Game"...

"The Family Game"...

"The Game Game,"

"Dream Girl of 1968"...

"Operation Entertainment"...

"How's Your Mother-in-law,"

and many others.

Chuck Barris, who most recently

brought us such hits...

as "The Rah-Rah Show"...

"The $1.98 Beauty Show"...

"The Gong Show."

Oh, Chuck Barris...

who I'm sure

will be back soon...

with even more shows that

will stimulate and educate...

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