Corner Gas: The Movie

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How long has it been?

April 13, 2009.

No way.

You sure?

Well, I can't be 100% sure

since I don't know

what you're talking about.

Wanda, has it been that long?

Oh, at least.

We're talking about the last time you

took a shower, right?

No. That was Tuesday.

Uh, no, Monday.

No, I was asking

how long it's been

since anything exciting's happened

around here.

Well, that guy came through town a

couple of months ago

wearing a tuxedo,

on his way to a wedding

or a funeral or something.

It was probably a wedding.

I mean, you don't wear a top hat to a

funeral.

I don't know.

I mean,

if you didn't like the guy,

you might pull out

all the stops.

Nothing exciting

ever happens around here.

Open the till

and put the money in a bag!

- Money! Now!

- O-Okay, okay.

Did you bring your own bag?

Otherwise, I got to

charge you a nickel.

Well, how would it be

if I blow your head off

and charge you 50 cents

for the shell?

Well, that's not

a fair comparison at all.

Whoa!

Hyah! Hyah! Hyah!

- Hyah! Hyah! Hyah!

- Aah!

Where did you learn

how to do that?

Oh, I've only seen every Jean-Claude Van

Damme movie

like a hundred thousand times.

I'm more of a Jackie Chan...

Aah!

Brent!

Never bring just one gun

to a robbery.

Okay.

No more violence.

Aah!

Wanda, are you okay?

I knew it!

You... should not...

have done that.

Yeah, fry him, Wanda!

Aaaah!

Brent, Wanda's a...

You're a robot, too?

No, you idiot.

I'm just bionic.

Wolf man!

Finally get to see a robot

fight a werewolf.

Baggage... for... Flight... 687.

Baggage... for Flight 687.

...will be dispensed

on carousel two.

Baggage for Flight 687

will be dispensed...

G " Laser fur!

Are you Hank Yarbo?

Oh. Are you...

newspaper lady?

Tina Fuller.

The National Star.

Oh, hey.

- Hank Yarbo.

- Yes.

- We established that.

- Oh, yeah, right.

Shall we?

Oh, yeah.

You can tell me

that your dog ran away

Then tell me

that it took three days

I've heard every joke

I've heard everything you say

You think

there's not a lot goin' on

But look closer, baby,

you're so wrong

I roll my eyes back

into my happy place

I'm always gonna need

this sense of space

And in the amber wave

under a rolling cloud

I can't hear what you say

'cause you're talking so loud

How many times

you gonna get me wrong?

Yeah, yeah, yeah

You think

there's not a lot goin' on

Well, this must be

pretty exciting for you, huh?

Traveling around the country,

judging the "Quaintest Town

in Canada" contest.

It's my lifelong dream.

Yeah? Oh.

Well, none of them can be

as quaint as Dog River.

I've been here my whole life.

It's awesome.

With the rain,

you could get lightning on you

Strikes twice

You better believe it

Under a sky that's always wrapped around

you

There's not a lot goin' on

You think

there's not a lot goin' on

That's not

a very welcoming sight.

Oh, my God, no!

Oh, my God!

Shouldn't we help him?

Get him!

Hey, you better

get out of my face!

Do you have any idea

who you're dealing with?

Ow!

Oh, that's new.

But, you know sometimes

accidents happen.

This is insane!

I don't know what you people consider

quaint, but this is...

- Aaah!

- Whoa!

Crap.

- Who was that?

- That was Brent Leroy.

He used to be my best friend.

What the hell is going on here?

Oh. Well, it wasn't

always like this.

It all started not so long ago.

Are you gonna

tell me the story or...

Oh, yeah, sure.

Yeah.

It all started not so long ago.

- Why does it keep doing that?

- I don't know.

It's not the bulbs because,

electrically...

I don't know.

Does anyone know

why the power keeps going out?

- It's complicated.

- You don't know.

I don't know.

Or do I?

Hey. Have you guys seen this article in

the National Star?

"Canada's Quaintest Community. "

Don't you think

Dog River should be in this?

Yeah, maybe.

You should enter us.

Well, obviously, I can't enter us the

way the town is now.

The grass hasn't been mowed. Garbage is

piling up.

So don't enter us.

Problem solved.

No, but it comes

with a $75,000 prize.

And think about

the tourist benefits.

You guys,

this town is falling apart,

and nobody's

doing anything about it.

Fitzy's gonna get an earful

at the town meeting today.

Town meeting?

Honestly, can we go two minutes

without some idiot

calling a town meeting?

What is it this time?

Is it the triangle

manhole covers again?

Because what does that

even solve?

Stop complaining.

You and I are

local businesspeople.

We need to be there, and you need to pay

attention, Brent.

No comic books.

Fine. Then you can't wear

any stylish, contemporary...

You're hard to insult.

Oscar!

What?! I'm watching

"Survivin' with Ivan. "

"Survivin' With Ivan. "

After you sharpen branch

into razor point,

you can harden it in the fire

to make deadly weapon.

Why don't you get your butt off the

couch and go fix something?

The water and the power

are broke all over town.

And I fixed the car.

It broke again

while I was fixing it.

We need a new one.

No, what we need

is someone to fix the car

who knows what they're doing.

That's a direct insult

to my masculinity.

I know how to fix stuff.

I just learned how to make

a deadly weapon out of a stick.

If that idiot already has

a 10-inch bowie knife,

why does he need a pointy stick?

Okay, 3, 2, fire!

You were too low.

- You didn't allow for droppage.

- Droppage?

Droppage.

Gravity, whatever.

Yeah, I think gravity's

the one that caught on.

Anyway, shouldn't we

be out on patrol?

Nope. Fitzy says

we're using too much fuel.

I think it's to save the ozone.

Or is it polar bears?

He)', guys.

Fitzy, how can we do our job

if we can't patrol the town'?

Watch out the window.

Listen, I just popped in

to say a quick congratulations to Davis.

25 years of service

with the D.R.P.D.

I wanted to get you a cake

and champagne but... didn't.

Anyway, enjoy your retirement.

- Thanks.

- Whoa!

- Davis is retiring?

- Who's retiring?

Yeah. When you signed

your last contract,

you ticked the box

for a 25-year term,

with the town having the option to renew

it at the time.

Which is now.

Which is no.

So you're gonna

just kick him to the curb

after like a zillion years

of hard work?

Not a zillion, 25.

And I don't want to retire.

I'd love to keep you on,

but times are really tough.

Anyways,

I've got to be somewhere.

Man, I cannot wait

for this thing to be over.

Not me.

I love town meetings.

Full of opportunities.

People debate.

Decisions get made.

New rules get... made.

A sharp guy can see the angles and make

a few bucks.

Yeah, sharp guy'?

Why don't you pay your tab'?

Okay. Let's just all pipe down, all

right?

Don't draw attention.

No questions, no comments.

Everybody just zip up

and lay low

so this thing can wrap up ASAP.

"ASAP"?

What are you, from the '80s?

My formative years, yes.

Is it hot in here?

I'm always too hot.

Except when I'm too cold.

Sometimes I'm both.

Plus pukey.

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