Couples Retreat

What was that?

Honey, are the kids

up? What are they doing?

I peed.

Kevin peed the bed.

Our bed? Uh-huh.

All 500 thread counts

of Egyptian cotton.

- I'm sorry.

- You're sorry?

I don't want you to

worry about it, buddy.

It'll happen again your freshman

year of college, trust me.

No more sodas before bed!

Sit down here. But I like soda.

How you doing, big guy? Good morning.

Let's have a big morning!

Let's start off with a little

breakfast, get our Froot Loops.

Here's Daddy's coffee. And I need it.

Here's your bowl of

fruit, without the loops.

Why no loop?

Daddy doesn't need loops.

I gotta eat it. If I eat a big meal now,

then I can watch what I eat later.

Otherwise, I'll get starved

and raid the refrigerator.

Okay, honey. We've got to hurry up,

'cause we got to go to hockey.

I thought you could do that

because I might try to get a

little bit of work done today.

Honey, we have to go by the

showroom and pick out the tile.

I want you to see it. We

talked about this last week

and I told you how

important today was for me.

I'm Mega Man! May the best team win!

Okay, guys, let's keep it down.

Keep the eyes on the... On the screen.

You guys doing good?

- Yes.

Honey? Yeah.

What do you think? Nickel, brushed

nickel, chrome or brushed chrome?

I like the silver ones.

They're all silver.

Well, great. Pick out whichever

knob that you like, then.

No, I'm not gonna pick

whichever knob I like

because you know what's gonna happen?

Is that I'm gonna pick one

and then you're gonna complain

once they're in and

then it'll be too late.

Hello? Dave, where

the heck have you been?

I'm picking out pulls. Why have

you been calling me nonstop?

Well, you know how my credit's

all screwed up because of my wife?

But you're divorced.

I need you to cosign for my motorcycle.

What motorcycle? I'm

buying a motorcycle.

Shane, you have no money.

Why in the world would you be buying

a motorcycle that you can't afford?

Dave, you're white. You

can't understand this.

This is something different.

Don't play the race

card with me, Froot Loop.

I'll take him in. You

stay with Kevin, okay?

Okay. All right, go ahead.

Have fun, champ. Go get 'em, buddy.

You should see this thing. It's

awesome. Even Trudy loves it.

Who's Trudy?

That's my girlfriend.

Girl from the mall?

She's 20 years old, Dave.

Let's go. Let's move

it. I got bikes to move.

Listen, Shane. You are not buying

some 20-year-old

broad a motorcycle.

I'm not buying her

anything, it's for me!

Daddy, what's taking so long?

Hey, baby, I'm on the phone,

and I would prefer it if you

didn't call me that in public.

But I call all my boyfriends Daddy!

Dave, you gotta do this for me.

Why don't you just lease it?

No, she'll know.

Who will know? She's a kid.

Buy her a Hello Kitty book.

Get her an assignment notebook

and put rainbow stickers in it.

You don't have to buy her a motorcycle.

Did you or did you not say, "Move on"?

I told you to try to work it out.

Joey's the one who told you to move on.

Can you give me a minute?

Try to make it fast, Daddy.

Dave, I'm hurting. I would

love for my wife to come back.

But we know that's not gonna happen.

It's nice to feel appreciated.

I need this for me.

Fine. Just text me the address. Okay?

Pick out a helmet, baby!

Daddy!

So, honey, this is the tile.

It's all gonna happen at once

and I really need you to dial in.

Sweetheart, I'll help you.

I want a sugar cone.

I'm gonna hit you

after this, buddy. Okay.

Honey, you work from 8:00 to 8:00.

You're not gonna be helping anyone.

Hang on, honey, okay?

It's just really busy right now

because the video game ships this month.

Now that I have you, I

just want you to dial in

and tell me what you really think.

It's fine.

Do you love it?

As much as I can love

tile, I love this tile.

Okay, good, 'cause it's $1,000.

Really? Mmm-hmm.

Is that installed?

Nope, just the tile.

Well, what is it made

out of? Whale tusks?

No, it's not made out of whale tusks.

This is so boring.

Give me just one second.

Let me just grab this.

Honey? We have to do this today. Hello?

Hello, Dave. Joey?

Yeah, hey. Look... Just

one second, that's it.

...what are you doing

about the Jason thing?

If it's Joey, can you ask him

if he's coming to the party?

Are you... Are you coming

to the party on Sunday?

Yeah, yeah, I'll be there.

Yeah, he's coming, all right?

Give me one second. Stay with Mom.

One second.

Jason's gonna be calling you, all right?

He's got another one of

his PowerPoint deals that...

Hold on one second. Hello?

Hey, Dave, it's Jason.

Listen, I'd love to put something

on the books with you and Ronnie.

Are you gonna make it to

Kevin's birthday on Sunday?

Yes, I am. Now, listen,

I was hoping that

you guys would come

down here to the firm

because Cynthia and I have

a PowerPoint presentation

that would just play gangbusters

in the conference room.

Okay, okay, hold on one

second. It's ringing.

Hello? Why'd you hang up on me?

I didn't hang up on you. You're on hold.

He's trying to get me to see

another one of his PowerPoint things.

That stuff creeps me out.

It's just how he communicates.

He's... He's, you know...

He's overly efficient.

Well, I don't like

hearing about ball cancer,

let alone looking at diagrams.

Joey, he was scared.

Tell him I'm not going.

I ain't telling him you're not going.

You know, I got him on the other line.

You can tell him yourself. Hold on.

I don't want to... I don't...

Hello, Jason?

Yeah. I got Joey on the line.

Hey, Joey, I've left you

a bunch of voice mail messages

all morning. Where are you?

Listen, I can't make it.

Well, we haven't even

set a time yet, you know.

If you'd listened to the voice mail,

you'd know that this

is just a feeler call

to check your temperature on schedule.

I'm not sitting through another

slide show about ball cancer.

Listen, pal, I'm alive today because

of early detection, all right?

Is this about ball cancer?

"Cause I..

- I'm not into that, either.

I'm gonna wrap this up right now.

and if you two refuse to check

your scrotums for hardened nodules,

I certainly can't force you, can l?

Look, I gotta go, all right? Bye+

Dave, are you still there? Hello, Dave?

Kevin! Kevin, that's not a real toilet!

Sweetheart, he's pissing in

the middle of the whole thing!

Buddy, I gotta go.

But Cynthia and I are willing to

offer you a life-changing opportunity.

Jason, you don't understand.

My son is literally peeing

right in the middle of the

store. I gotta go. Go, go, go.

Okay, but that's not

a real toilet there.

It looks like a real toilet to me.

Yeah, it looks real. Okay.

That's a whole other conversation.

You feel better? Yep.

Okay, let's button those up.

You want me to get those for you?

Yep.

There's not a lot to

say. Sorry about that.

Mom, Dad's home.

Hi, hon.

Hey, how was your day?

Usual. Yours?

Good.

Okay, love you. Bye.

Whoa, whoa, whoa! Wait

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