Couples Retreat Page #7

my mind! I'd love some ice cream.

What? I'd love some ice cream,

with maybe some pecans in it!

Couples' massage is part of

your program and so important.

It gives you the chance

to bond, relax, reconnect.

We prefer to bond on our own.

Okay, would you prefer

male or female therapists?

What would you recommend more for like

a nurturing, pampering, motherly energy?

Would that be a man or

a woman, do you think?

A woman.

Well, I'm just so tight in my

shoulders. Do you have any...

Let me see.

We do have a male

masseur available, madam.

Daddy, I can't wait to

get my drink on tonight!

Damn! Is this whole thing

uphill? Where's the downhill part?

We gonna get our groove

on tonight. Right, Daddy?

Of course, baby. You know how we do it.

Well, hello.

Hi.

Lucy.

Yes.

Excellent.

Who are you?

I am Xavier and I will be

your man-seur for today.

Xavier?

Yes.

Mmm.

Twenty, 30, 40, 50...

Hi.

Joey.

Yes.

What's your name?

Gert.

What a beautiful name.

Well, thank you.

Do you mind if I heat up the lotion?

No. Heat that lotion up.

The hotter the better.

What kind of massage do

you want? You left it blank.

Korean?

Korean? I am not familiar with Korean.

Dealer's choice. Whatever

releases the most tension.

Mmm.

Oh, that feels so good.

Thank you.

I can't tell you how much I need

this. It has been a long time.

Oh, I love pleasuring people.

So do l.

I mean, it's not my job,

but it is a job that I love

doing, if you know what I mean.

I know exactly what you mean.

So, Joey, do you have any problem areas?

I hold a lot of tension

in my upper thighs.

We'll get to your upper thighs.

It's just the top of my quads.

As a matter of fact,

if you want to do, like,

the full 80 minutes on

the thighs, I'm good.

Whatever you want.

Oh, I need this. You have no idea.

Oh, you got great hands.

Okay, Joey, what I want you to

do for me is just close your eyes.

Quiet that mind, okay?

Just listen to my voice.

Feel the sound slide down my throat

and come out through my mouth.

Down my throat, come

out through my mouth.

Down my throat...

Keep... Keep going, keep going.

Sir, I'm so sorry.

No, no, no. Don't be sorry.

You shouldn't be sorry.

No, I aroused you.

You should be proud.

This hasn't happened

to me in a long time.

Are you attempting to have a

manual stimulation from me, sir?

Am I...

I am here on a couples retreat

with my wife in the other room.

My husband Scott is just like a cat.

Scott?

My husband.

I'm trying to save my marriage

here. Look what you did to me.

Well, that wasn't my intention, sir.

It wasn't mine, either,

and now I'm humiliated.

Well, I'm sorry.

You told me not to think.

Well, when I don't think,

this is what happens.

You can't leave me all

backed up like this.

What do you want me to do, sir?

I don't know. We got to

figure out a solution.

You know, let's not take

anything off the table.

Let's start brainstorming. We"re

both in a maze together, okay?

How do we get the cheese?

I'm sorry, sir, but that is

not gonna have a happy ending.

Give me the oil.

Go grab a smoke.

Daddy, this is awesome!

Yo, they should put me up

in a video on this b*tch!

Don't go chasing waterfalls

Stick me in the ocean I'm

gonna make it look real good

You go, girl.

Daddy's got to ice his knee, baby, okay?

If you just let me recharge my battery,

I promise, this'll be

more for you later, okay?

Technically, I was bit by a shark.

Were you bit or were you nipped?

I mean, if you had been bit,

you probably would have lost

a great deal of blood and...

What difference does it

make to you two, anyway,

what you would call it?

It hurt. And I had shark

teeth penetrate my skin.

And besides, Jason, it's

your fault that it happened.

The only reason I got

bit in the first place

is because you did the worst thing

you could possibly do in that situation.

You panicked and you threw

a bucket of chum in my face.

I did the prudent thing and I

got the hell out of the water.

There were sharks in there,

David. What was I supposed to do?

You know what? Remember

it however you want to

and I'll remember it

how it actually happened.

Dave. I mean, really, did

they penetrate your skin?

Do you really need that bandage?

Lucy, I don't know

what to tell you, okay?

You tell me if I need the bandage.

It looks like you scraped

yourself on the ladder,

maybe, on the way out.

I'm sorry?

Did you get out of the water abruptly?

Hey, I don't know how to explain

it to you. Maybe I have tough skin.

Perhaps lemon sharks don't

leave that bad of a mark.

Maybe they're pack animals

and they're marking me

for later. I don't know.

Dave, I was in a car

accident once, okay?

And it was really scary, I

had nightmares. But when...

I've been in a car accident, too.

Have you ever been bit by a shark?

I was never bit by a shark. I'm

just saying that I understand. My...

Say it again. I was in a car accident.

No, say the last part.

I was never bit by a shark.

That's it! Then you

shouldn't talk about it.

And I'm not gonna sit here

and try to explain myself

to a bunch of black

and white suburban trash

who don't know a damn

thing about the ocean.

And you understand the ocean, honey?

I have some real field

experience, honey, yeah.

I had a shark attack.

I'm part of a very elite group.

Like people who have

been struck by lightning.

Not everyone can say

that they've had that

and maybe that's what's

going on here today.

You know what? I don't want

to get in an argument with it.

I really don't. You know what?

I'm really exhausted.

It's been a long day.

I'm gonna go back to the

room. You want to come with me?

Baby, I thought we were gonna

go to the waterfall tonight

and have a little alone time.

Sweetheart, I'm a shark attack survivor.

I'm fried.

Honey, I think the fear was a

lot worse than the actual attack,

which I can totally appreciate,

but the good news is you weren't hurt,

so let's not ruin the evening over it.

I'm sorry?

Honey, you weren't hurt.

Good night.

Dave! Where you going?

Dave. Come on, okay,

you got bit by the shark.

You got bit, I believe you!

We're here all the time, so let's

take that opportunity to go to bed.

Honey, we'll go to

the waterfall with you.

We'll grab our drinks and go.

Yeah. We could all go

together. It'll be beautiful.

Hon? I was thinking that maybe

we might go back to the room, huh?

Bolt the door, draw the shades, huh?

Just shut the whole world out

and sit Indian-style and

really explore our feelings.

Daddy! Wake up!

It's too deep!

Yo, you having a nightmare. You ain't

even in the water. It's night time.

Look, you said we was gonna have

fun, so let's get up, let's dance,

let's do a shot, let's

do something. Anything.

Baby, let's just go back

to the room, all right?

I don't want to go back to the

room. I don't want to go to sleep.

We're not going to sleep.

We're not?

Mmm-mmm.

What we gonna do in there?

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