Crossing The Bridge Page #2

let him finish yellin' at me.

Poor, misguided fool!

You've been there, mort? You

actually seen him hit his dad?

Danny has too, right on his front lawn.

Your dad, he looks like Uncle fester in a

certain light. Has anyone ever told you that?

Hey, Tim, what, are you deaf?

Don't touch the tools.

How many times I gotta say it?

Egghead's touchy about the tools.

Speakin' of goofy, rinny,

your older sister, fern,

does she brush her teeth?

She smiled at me once and I swear, I

couldn't use my dick for like a year.

Hey, trace, how's it goin'? I'm doin' fine.

How's your mom?

- She's gettin' by.

- Tell her, "hi."

She wants you, Marty.

She wants you.

She's a little older than you, but what the

hell. It's not like you can afford to be picky.

What are you talking about?

Mort likes older women.

Mort likes anyone who'll look at him.

It's true.

I once had sex with

a 75-year-old woman.

I felt like I was robbing the grave.

- Not funny.

- Definitely not funny.

Is that a new one, mort, because it sucks?

It's not a big deal, Tim. It was an ad lib.

It was off the cuff.

Yeah? Well how much do you get

for a joke like that?

Hey, numbnuts, don't touch the tools!

You want it in English?

Don't... Touch...

The... Tools.

A, a beer?

You're drinking a beer?

The place is still open, man. You tryin'

to get me fired, you waste-of-a-life?

Hey, rinny, just let me get this straight.

Tim should or he shouldn't

touch the tools, which one?

I'm not quite clear on this. He can

touch the tools and not have a beer,

or he can have a beer

but not touch the tools?

Which one? You're not being clear here.

You gotta make that point.

Danny's mom,

she died three weeks after

we graduated high school.

The head of our football team's

booster club,

she hung in just long enough...

To see her son take a state championship.

Danny never said a word to me

about his mother.

He never said a word about her to anyone.

These trips here were the closest

he ever came to letting me in.

You really want to be a writer?

Are you serious about it? Yeah, I'm serious.

All right.

I'm having dinner tonight

with my friend, Manny goldfarb,

the old guy I told you about.

The one that got his thing

stuck in a watermelon? No, no.

That guy... forget about him

already, will you, please?

Manny goldfarb is the writer, the one

who wrote for the "New York times."

He's in town tonight.

I'm having dinner with him.

If your highness would care

to join us, perhaps, you know,

you could pick his brains.

Thanks, thanks a lot, but I can't.

I'm going out with Danny and Tim tonight.

Danny and Tim!

Danny and Tim!

Danny and Tim.

We're goin' over the border to Canada to a,

a, a strip joint.

Excuse me.

Is this important?

Yeah. Yeah, it is.

As a writer, you know, I feel

that it is important that...

You know, that I live, you know, as much...

as much life as I possibly can.

You know, to seize every moment, to just...

don't tell me.

All the great writers spent hours and hours

looking at fat, naked Canadian women...

Before they learned

how to write, is that it?

I didn't say hours and hours,

Uncle Alby, but...

I bet the really good ones did their share.

Relax.

We're going into Canada to check

out the bridge. No big deal.

To see if it's cool to smuggle dope

across it. That's a big deal, Danny.

Even if we do this and go

all the way to Toronto,

I want to stop at u. Of t.

And see Carol, okay?

She dumped you two years ago. Let it go.

I can't let it go, you know that.

I'd love to, okay?

I'd love to be like you.

Sneak into some girl's house in the middle of

the night and pull wild stuff like that off!

Do yourself a favor and

forget about Carol brockton.

Why, because you f***ed her?

Why don't you do me a favor

and admit it already?

I don't care.

It's not a big deal.

I just want to hear you say the

words, "I f***ed Carol brockton."

Golden, golden! I don't care!

"I f***ed Carol brockton."

You are driving me crazy. What does it

matter if I did f*** this girl anyway?

It was three years before

you ever went out with her.

You're an a**hole!

You did!

Wha... look at you! You did!

I'm not saying I f***ed her. I'm

saying, if I did, what does it matter?

It matters to me. Because it matters. Why?

You went out with this girl for a

month, the month after high school.

Do you think this girl sat around waiting

for the month she was going out with you?

I don't think so. You know, this

may sound very hard to believe,

but some people didn't

have sex during high school.

I know it may come as a big shock to you.

Besides you, name one.

And don't say Mary Ellen castilliano,

because that would be a very sick joke.

That's what I thought.

Could we go in here?

Anyway, I had sex in high school.

With who? Where?

This chick at summer camp. Summer camp?

That's real traceable, mort.

Get out!

Get the hell outta here!

You and your damn friends, go on, get out!

You get in back. No way, man. I got shotgun.

Bullshit! Get in back. I don't

want to have to hurt you, mort.

No.

I'm not screwing around here, mort.

I'm in no mood.

Now hop in the back.

Why should I, Tim? Why should I?

Because you value your life.

So hop your scrawny little ass in back!

Get in, Tim.

You waste-of-a-life!

What's the problem, Tim?

My old man.

He's such a jerk.

So what are you gonna do, kick his ass?

Look, I don't feel like talking, okay?

I hate life. That's healthy. That's healthy.

I hate people.

I have no idea why I'm going to Canada.

As far as I'm concerned, you're

both just a couple of shitholes,

so just shut up and drive.

You guys go ahead in.

I'll be back in a while.

- Park the car here.

- Go have some fun. I'll be back in a while.

What? Hey, where are you goin'?

What are you doin'?

We might as well go inside

as long as we're here.

What a dick!

He leaves me here in the

middle of Canada... With you.

Let's go inside, Tim.

He'll be back.

What a jerk!

Naked women, Tim.

We've got naked women in there.

You love naked women. We have

to go in there to see them.

There...

Come on, let's go.

Besides, you might have forgotten,

I happen to be a lot of fun

at these places. Yeah, yeah.

I'm serious. Girls at a place

like this love a guy like me.

It's four apiece. I keep the crowd happy.

Stay off the stage.

Where the hell did he go?

I'm gonna break his neck.

Maybe he got lucky.

Where the f*** were you?

Get in.

Where you been?

Just get in.

We'll do a three-way split,

three grand each.

What are you talkin' about?

Tim, what is he talking about?

Where do you think I went?

I made the deal.

You di...

you did what?

Are you nuts!

Are you outta your mind?

You mean, there are drugs in this car?

Yes, mort,

there are drugs in this car, but I think

you need to say it just a little louder...

You dick!

We're dead! We're dead!

- You should've told us, man.

- Would you have done it?

I don't know.

That's not the point.

Let's just back up.

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