Curse of the Pink Panther

- How much?

- Six million.

- But that's ridiculous.

- It's worth 30.

It'll have to be split up.

We'll lose at least 40% of it.

Enough!

What?

I am Clouseau,

and justice will be done

in the name of the "lew."

One year ago today,

Inspector Jacques Clouseau,

the Police Academy's most

illustrious graduate, disappeared.

We felt it appropriate to broadcast

this commemorative program

from the Academy, where

a new generation of police officers

are about to receive their shields.

The question

on every Frenchman's mind is,

"What has happened to

France's greatest detective?

"Why haven't the authorities

been able to solve the mystery?"

Tell the police commissioner

I want to see him.

Oui, Monsieur Prsident.

The president himself gave the order!

And at 3:
00 this morning,

the commissioner woke me up

to say he was putting me in charge. Me!

And I've got one month

to make Operation Paragon a success.

Otherwise, I'll be back on the vice squad

staking out pissoirs

for what is left of my career.

Operation Paragon?

Yes. The President's idea.

If France's greatest detective is missing,

then get the world's greatest detective

to find him.

And how do you find

the world's greatest detective?

By computer. The Commissioner's idea.

Interpol has computer files

on every law enforcement agency

in the world,

and I am supposed to program

the computer to select Clouseau's clone.

But Clouseau...

You know he was an idiot,

and I know he was an idiot,

but the rest of the world sees him

as a fearless deductive genius,

another Sherlock Holmes,

and that's the type of man

we are now looking for.

Then you have a problem.

Yes, because a man like this

might find Clouseau...

A horrible thought.

What's the alternative?

I don't know.

I'm damned if I do,

and I'm damned if I don't.

A series 600 Huxley computer.

You can program it by

voice command, you know.

Ouais. Observe this. Activate.

- Aldous.

- Ready, Dave.

Aldous can even recognize people's voices.

- Amazing.

- Elementary.

Chief Inspector Dreyfus, Sret,

vital statistics, please.

Coming up, Dave.

- What's the delay?

- Lots of material.

Well, just give me

an abbreviated version then.

All right. Charles Larousse Dreyfus.

Born Marseilles, April 1, 19...

Skip that. Skip that.

What is the subject's present occupation?

Subject's present occupation...

Chief Inspector, Criminal Division, Sret.

How's his health?

Last complete physical examination...

January 7th, this year.

Chronic hypertension.

May, 1978, suffered nervous breakdown

and was committed to the state mental...

- Skip!

- Sorry.

Do you want to ask him anything?

Yes.

What are the odds

that the greatest detective in the world

will find Clouseau?

Even money. Take your pick.

Well, aren't you being slightly optimistic?

Not at all.

Why? Are you afraid

he'll drive you crazy again?

Cool it, Aldous.

Just responding with

an obvious observation.

I hope I didn't offend you,

Inspector Dreyfus.

Not at all.

By the way, it's Chief Inspector Dreyfus.

Shame on you, Aldous.

Nobody's perfect. Have a happy day.

Yes?

Prisoner Steiger has arrived.

Show him in.

Come in.

Wait outside.

Sit down.

Maurice Steiger...

15 years for bank robbery.

How much was it?

About 150 million,

give or take a few francs.

And it's never been recovered.

It must be hell, sitting in prison,

dreaming about what

you could do with all that money.

It's not so bad.

I'm a model prisoner.

I come up for parole in six months.

Yes, but there's always the chance

that the Parole Board will turn you down.

I see.

I tell you where the money is,

you put in a good word

with the Parole Board.

No.

Listen...

It took a computer genius to embezzle

150 million francs from the Bank of France,

and I have a problem

that requires a computer genius.

You help me solve that problem,

and in 6 months' time, you'll be a free man,

living out 150 million dreams,

give or take a few dreams.

What's your problem?

Can you rig a computer

so that no matter what I program into it,

it will select the exact opposite?

Black is white? Day is night?

Exactly.

What sort of computer?

A Huxley 600.

There is only one of those in this country.

How are you going to get me into Interpol?

I can't.

Then how do you expect me to rig it?

I don't. I expect you to tell me how to rig it.

The President has just arrived,

and is being greeted by

Sergeant Duval of the Sret

and Secretary General Dulong of Interpol.

And now we switch to Michelle Chauvin,

who is about to interview

the star of these proceedings.

Good morning, Michelle.

This is Chief Inspector Dreyfus

of the Sret.

You are the one who is

going to program Aldous

to select Clouseau's successor?

Yes.

No.

He is not going to be Clouseau's successor.

Why not a she?

What?

Well, couldn't it just as easily be a woman,

or are you purposely

programming it to be a man?

No, no. We are just trying to find

the best, the most qualified...

The most like Clouseau?

Yes.

To paraphrase an old saying,

set a great detective

to find a great detective.

Exactly. But he or she

will not be Clouseau's successor.

I mean, they won't be

going to work for the Sret...

I hope.

Excuse me.

The President has just arrived.

In a few moments, Aldous the computer

will select from the files

of all the law enforcement

agencies in the world

the one man or woman

most qualified to solve the disappearance

of France's greatest detective.

And screw up my entire life.

Just over a year ago,

while investigating yet another theft

of the famous diamond, the Pink Panther,

Inspector Clouseau seemed to

vanish from the face of the earth,

leaving behind one of France's

greatest unsolved mysteries.

Not to mention

the 4,000 francs he owes me.

And now, working on the theory

that the best person to find Clouseau

is someone almost exactly like Clouseau,

Chief Inspector Dreyfus

will program Aldous the computer

with a character profile

of Inspector Clouseau.

That's going to put a hell of a strain

on poor old Aldous.

Obviously, Mr. President,

so as not to limit our choice,

I will omit sex, height, weight,

race, and nationality.

- Ready, Aldous?

- Ready, Charles.

Age... 61.

Senior officer.

I.Q...

Genius.

Specialities...

Judo, kung fu, Okinawan weaponry,

karate expert...

Black belt.

Expert ma... Ma...

Marksman.

Fearless.

Courageous.

A born leader.

Sir.

Is that it, Chief?

Select.

Coming right up.

What is he humming?

It sounds like Moon River...

Backwards!

Chief Inspector Dreyfus

is obviously nervous.

The President and the Commissioner

are waiting tensely

as the moment draws near.

Ladies and gentlemen,

after thoroughly searching the records

of 13,623,055 candidates,

I have come up with your man.

It's a man.

From the 11th Precinct

of the New York City Police Department,

I give you... A little drum roll, please...

Got a light, big boy?

Cliff, broads don't call

guys "big boy" anymore.

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