Daddy Day Camp

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Got some.

- Dad peed in his pants.

- Get used to it, son.

When I'm old,

you'll have to change my diaper.

Another year over. I can't believe it.

I can't believe our sons are 7.

In a couple years,

they'll be starting a band...

...growing their hair long...

...stealing your Suburban

to go on tour.

Charlie, we have ourselves

a situation.

Okay, I'll be a minute.

Phil. Phil.

Rare. Good. See?

Save room for cake.

Never mind that on the cake.

- Hey, Mom.

- Hey, slow down.

It was the end of Summer Olympiad

between us and our rival camp.

The final event:
The relay race.

Coming down the stretch,

I was flying like the wind.

You were sweating sheets of rain.

You could barely move

in a straight line.

- I was still in the lead.

- Whatever.

I hand the baton to Charlie,

he drops it, we lose everything.

Then Lance Warner flew

right past you to the finish line.

I hated that snot-nosed little brat.

He's why I didn't have a good time.

Honey, why is Ben going on and on

about going off to camp?

The permission slip's been

on the fridge for three weeks.

He really wants to go,

and I think he should.

Well, Phil and I have talked,

the boys aren't going.

- What do you mean?

- I mean, they're not going.

All those snakes and spiders

and wedgies.

Just because you had

a bad experience as a kid at camp...

...doesn't mean

our son will have one too.

- What are you talking about?

- I was there. You were scarred for life.

I'm on the ground,

staring up at my father.

He stands there

with a look of disapproval.

Just over some stupid camp game.

I won't allow my son to let

anything like that happen to him.

He will know I love and support him

no matter what.

Good. Then you can love

and support him going to camp.

You didn't hear what I just said?

Yes, I did, and he's not you,

and you definitely are not your father.

Oh, and you're driving them.

There it is. Camp Canola.

You don't want to go to rival Canola.

But that's where everyone goes.

No, if you wanna go to camp,

you wanna go to Driftwood.

Yeah, Camp Canola's

some rundown shack...

...on a piece of swamp land.

At least, it used to be.

- Cool.

- Awesome.

It's a lake. I don't remember a lake.

Well, this ain't nothing.

Wait till you see

where you are going.

Camp Driftwood.

What the heck?

Yeah, well, you're crazy, Morty.

That's the best offer...

...you're ever gonna get

for this craphole.

I'm doing you a favour, butthead.

You're crazy, Morty.

- Are you folks lost?

- No, we're here to check out the camp.

You want to bring your kids here?

That's beautiful.

Yeah.

Hey, good luck with that.

Okay, kids, come on.

Didn't you hear? Camp's closed.

- Yes.

- Yes.

What happened?

This place used to be the best.

Well, now seems

like everybody wants newer, better...

...properly licensed and bonded.

They want Camp Canola

down the road.

You guys went to Driftwood?

Yeah, we were here

when we were kids.

Then you know. This place really used

to be something special.

And Canola was a dump.

Then some rich family bought it...

...eventually turned it over

to that mutant son of theirs.

What's gonna happen to Driftwood?

Well, soon I'm gonna have no choice

but to sell it to Canola.

It's a pity. Because all he wants

to do is bulldoze over it.

Can you believe it?

That kid has been a pain in my heinie

since he won the '77 Olympiad.

I just hate to give that jerk

Lance Warner the satisfaction.

Warner? Lance Warner?

He wants to buy this camp

and tear it down?

Our camp?

You bought a what?

Not the whole camp,

a partnership with the original owner.

I know the day care centre

has been successful...

...but you've spent a lot

fixing this house up...

...to accommodate more kids.

The Daddy Day Care brand

means a lot in this town.

Re-purposing that brand into summer

is just smart business.

Do you know how to run a camp?

That's just it. I'm not gonna run

the camp, Uncle Morty is.

Phil and I are just gonna help out.

So I'll spend as much time

with Ben as possible.

But you hate the outdoors.

Yes, but I hate Lance Warner more.

No way my son's going to his camp.

Please just send him to Canola.

That's where all his friends are.

No. No way.

Listen, my father sent me to camp

and it didn't go so great. Okay?

Maybe I can give Ben

the positive experience I never had.

Just promise me you'll let...

...this Uncle Morty do

the real outdoorsy stuff.

I don't wanna have to send

a search party...

...to come rescue your lost butt

in the woods.

Come on, Sally, now,

don't play hard to get.

Oh, you little tease.

Oh, you... I've gotcha.

It's another beautiful

woodchuck day, baby.

Hey, that's great.

You remember the old cheer.

I can't thank you guys enough.

I mean, you saved the old place.

Yeah, well, with your help,

I'll show that Lance Warner...

...how to run a good

old-fashioned summer camp.

Swell. I'll see you guys

in September.

Say what, now?

Uncle Morty?

Excuse me. Morty, you can't leave.

You're supposed to be overseeing

the camp. We're partners.

I've been watching over this camp

for 30 years.

It's time I took a vacation, partner.

Don't worry.

Dale here will show you the ropes.

- He's the best counsellor I got.

- No, Morty, wait. You can't leave.

Wait. Come back.

What was that about?

This is my first day.

Charles Hinton?

- I'm Charlie.

- I'm from FM J Bank.

No doubt your uncle Morty

informed you of the liens...

...we have against your property.

- Informed?

He just took his little fishy

up the road.

As the business has no clients...

...therefore no discernible

means of income...

...the bank will have no choice

but to foreclose on the property.

- Foreclose?

- Foreclose?

Let me ask you something.

What if this camp could show

discernible means of income?

Continue.

We have run

the Daddy Day Care Center...

...successfully

for the past several years.

Allow us to use the hard-earned trust

that name brings...

...to build in new clientele.

I suppose I could recommend

to the bank...

...that we extend the debt

for about a month.

Assuming, of course,

that you can maintain the camp...

...and a client base

of at least 30 children.

We'll have it in tiptop shape

in no time.

Yeah, you got a methane problem,

all right.

Gonna have to have

that baby pumped.

Oh, crap.

Yeah, you said it. Gonna need

a whole new septic tank...

...new plumbing, the works.

Cost you about 14.

- Hundred?

- Thousand.

You know what?

We'll buy the kids gas masks.

It's your party, pally,

but that methane is dangerous.

You boys best be careful.

- Phil.

- What? That wasn't me.

Okay, here's your lunch, sweetie.

It's a sugar-free, wheat-free,

gluten-free, tofu nugget.

You have your Sidekick with text,

GPS locator in case you get lost...

...and waterproof sunscreen,

in case it gets sunny...

...while it's still raining.

- Mother, it's day camp.

I'll be seven miles away.

And home before dinner.

Did you take your Xanax?

I don't wanna go to camp in the rain.

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