Daddy Day Camp Page #2

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I wanna stay home

watching nudie flicks.

The brochure said there would be sun.

Please behave yourself.

And for the love of God,

try not to make anyone bleed.

Take your Dramamine now

before you get on the bus...

...then later if you ride a horse...

...or anything that bounces

or gently sways.

- What about my Pepto?

- Save that for lunch.

And your Beano,

in case you have a snack.

It's another beautiful woodchuck day.

Promise you'll put those games away

and try to be social this summer.

Die, alien scum, die.

Carl, please don't let the other kids

tease your brother.

What am I? Dr. Phil?

I've got nothing to work with here.

Archibald Lawrence Mapleton?

Call me, Mullet. Business up front,

party in the back, baby.

Juliette Stone?

Present.

Holy Hogwarts.

Watch the merchandise, dude.

- I still got it, huh?

- I can't hear! My ears!

Okay, this is it. Time to give them

a summer they'll never forget.

They won't forget that.

Nature walkers, lotion up.

Okay, Robin Hoods, gather around.

Everybody take a bow.

There you go.

There's enough for everyone.

There you go.

Hey, Romeo.

If you like her, go in that group.

No. That's okay.

I've only got to kill one more Orc.

Right. Kill your Orc, you dork.

Dad, I want to be

in the group with Max.

I'm older than these babies.

I should be in that group.

I didn't sign up to be with no skirts.

They got cooties.

There's no such thing as cooties.

It's simply a term used to express

age-appropriate discomfort...

...of those not of our gender.

Stop arguing.

You wanted to accommodate children

of all ages.

Well, at this point,

we can't be too picky.

Look, here we have grass.

Some grass and a big rock.

How many more to go?

Everybody gather round. Get in here.

Can anyone tell me

what kind of tree this is?

An oak?

Yeah. Sure. Okay.

Look over here, some berries,

maybe a strawberry thing.

I wouldn't eat them, though.

Watch out.

Poison ivy. Keep moving, slowly,

behind the bush.

Come on, slowly. Don't touch it.

Careful, careful. Okay.

That would be a leaf.

Ready. Aim.

Wait. There's a bunny.

We can't shoot with a bunny

in the field.

He's way off to the side.

You'll never hit it.

Yes, we can. That's good eating.

No, it's not.

Wait. All right, kids, hang on.

Back up.

So the rebel Borg rogue vessel...

...circles around Barkon IV...

...loops over the Enterprise

and doubles back...

...through the space nebula.

We passed this tree twice already.

Because it's a very important tree

and I wanted to emphasise it.

We're not lost.

- Alligator.

- Calm down. Stop. Calm down.

Stop.

We don't have alligators

on the nature hike.

It's not that good a camp.

See, kids?

Everything's gonna be just fine.

Air varmint.

I appreciate that you kids

are such quick learners...

...but these knots are not supposed

to be used for evil.

See? Just a big, dumb empty log.

Bees. Scatter.

Now put two thumbs up.

You guys, two, three,

or four of you are out...

...because I didn't say, "Simon says. "

All right, Simon Says.

Ben. Hey, Ben.

Simon says, "Wave at Daddy. "

Good concentration, son.

You know, because I'm not Simon.

Good job, Dale.

Oh, no, so many are out right now,

I can't even count how many.

- Can I help you?

- Felix.

Simon Says. A classic.

I was showing the kids here...

...where the go-cart track will be...

...once you and your team of idiots

run your camp into the ground.

First of all, it's not for sale.

Yeah, well, from what I heard,

that may not be up to you.

Yeah, a little something

called foreclosure.

Axe coming down.

See all those kids

running around down there?

Does that look like

a business in trouble?

It's only day one, buddy boy.

Once all those kids see how much fun

we're having at Camp Canola...

...they'll be jumping ship

like harbour rats.

And to make matters worse...

...you will never be able

to beat the Chief in the Olympiad.

That's him. He's the Chief.

And you poop in your shorts.

Nice son you got there, Lance.

He ain't my kid. I hate kids.

First of all, there ain't gonna be

any Olympiad. And secondly...

...I care about building these kids up,

not tearing them down...

...with some futile attempt

at competition.

That's pathetic.

You won't last a month.

Yeah. Thirty-one days. Or 30.

Except for February,

which stands alone.

All right, let's go.

Dang, he looks familiar.

All right, Camp Canola.

Let's head out.

Wait. Oh, good Lord.

Watch and learn.

- Mullet. Come on.

- Hurry up.

I want candy.

Dale, make sure

you count them twice.

Everybody on the...

Hey, no fighting.

On the bus. Get on the bus.

Oh, thank God.

See? This is exactly

where I thought we'd come out.

Get down to the bus.

It'll be leaving any second.

I've gotta drop the kids off

at the pool.

We have a pool?

No.

This is the worst camp ever.

Thanks for coming.

No, no, Max.

All right, no, Max, Max.

Okay, off the bus.

Everybody off the bus.

Yes, off the bus. Okay. Okay. Relax.

What's wrong with him?

He was born with no sense of smell.

What's his problem?

- Mayhoffer's gonna blow.

- What?

Phil, we got a situation here.

I need help.

I need backup. I repeat, backup for...

All right.

Code blue. Code blue, Phil.

- What else could go wrong?

- No, please...

I think we're gonna need

more toilet paper.

Baby...

...it's just not your area of expertise.

You need someone

with more outdoor experience.

Someone like your father.

You're gonna call Grandpa?

No. Mommy's just making a joke.

I don't need Buck.

Kids all over town are bathing

in tomato juice, thanks to you.

It was one lousy skunk

and a harmless methane explosion.

Your father's a military man.

You told me yourself Buck knows

everything about the outdoors.

Roughing it, managing troops,

survival skills.

Yeah, and he realises it

through anger, shaming, and criticism.

Here, baby, sponge yourself.

Look, I know that you two have had

your problems.

Problems? No.

Nothing I ever did was good enough,

including sports, school, work.

But other than that?

He could help,

and Ben would be thrilled to see him.

I think it's time you give him a chance.

Look, baby, this is my thing, okay?

I'll handle it.

Phil and I got special

camp consultants coming tomorrow.

It's a fresh start and a new day.

Consultants?

Yes.

- It's all right here in our Idea Binders.

- That's for you.

You just trust us.

- Syl. Come to me.

- I'm right here.

Be with me, think with me.

We could have

this entire area carpeted.

Shag carpet.

Like a child, a universe grows.

That was a waste of time.

Hey, don't worry.

When those 35 kids get off that bus...

...we're gonna show them adventure,

Charlie and Phil style.

Okay. See, Phil, it's all we needed.

A new day, fresh start.

Way to go, Dad.

What?

That's all we got. The other parents

are demanding a full refund.

Let's go this way, guys.

We only got seven kids left, Phil.

There's no other way

to cover these bills.

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