Daddy Day Camp Page #3

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We can't afford to hire consultants...

...much less make

the foreclosure payment.

We can't even afford to give refunds.

That money went back into repairs.

You're gonna have

to swallow your pride...

...and get a man in here

to help run this camp.

Historically,

the art of using troops is this:

When ten to the enemy's one,

surround them with tanks.

At five times the strength,

you attack with air strikes.

Napoleon:
All manoeuvres were

on horseback.

Saladin:
Camels...

Colonel here.

Just a sec.

Civilians, you're dismissed.

That's better. How can I help you?

No, no. No, the time is fine.

You don't say?

And that's how you treat

an acute poison ivy breakout.

I'd like to apologise to you guys

for letting you play...

...in what I thought was clover.

Jack, I wouldn't go number two

for a few weeks if I were you.

I think you used that "clover"

for toilet paper.

If you'd all sign these waivers...

...acknowledging you've been briefed

on safety...

- Here you go. Okay.

- Excuse me.

With the exception

of emancipated minors...

...I don't believe

that a personal injury waiver...

...with confidentiality clause,

executed by a child...

...is a legally binding document,

Uncle Phil.

It's a raid.

Camp Canola!

Get the flag.

I can use the second mortgage

on the house...

...to pay off the bills for the camp?

Great. No, Mr. Thumson,

I don't need you to come out here.

No, business is fine. It's just...

You know,

we have such a full house.

Can I call you back?

What the heck is going on here?

Open your ear-holes, dweebers.

"We, the mighty troops of Fort Canola,

have braved hill and dale...

...so that we may find...

...who are the greatest warriors

in the land. "

No. No. No way.

You are way out of line, Lance.

Behold!

This spear of honour...

...garnished with the flame of truth.

Now, I challenge ye...

...to the XLV Annual

Intercamp Olympiad.

That's the 37th Olympiad to you,

pea brain.

Forty-fifth.

I told you before, there isn't going

to be any competition.

Well, then let the onslaught continue.

Now's your chance.

Go say something.

Do you like World of Warcraft?

World of what?

I'm a Level 40 Blood Elf Druid.

I have absolutely no idea

what you're talking about.

Goodbye.

I like causing destruction,

not cleaning up after it.

Is that why you threw a paint grenade

at your own campmate during a raid?

What can I say?

War is hell, skunk-boy.

Fight. Fight. Fight.

Fight. Fight. Fight.

Cut it out. Stop it. Stop fighting.

A ten-hut.

I see this unit's morale is flagging.

There is only one solution for that.

All of those who are my grandson,

front and centre.

- Come here, you little peanut.

- Grandpa Buck.

Do you remember this manoeuvre?

Sneak attack at tickle point.

Everyone, this is my father,

Colonel Buck Hinton.

- Reporting for duty, corporal.

- Please don't call me that.

All right, then, private.

Gentlemen. Ladies.

What I just witnessed was a mutiny.

Among campers,

that is unacceptable...

...from this point forward.

Now...

...front and centre. Double time.

I'll make you soldiers

if it's the last thing I do.

No, wait a minute. There is no mutiny.

Everything is under control.

This is not why I called you.

- Why the misconduct, soldier?

- We got raided by Camp Canola.

- Yeah.

- Sneak attack, huh?

Well, I'm sorry, private.

We should be planning

a counterattack.

Meet force with force.

I say we hit them at nightfall.

- Yeah.

- No. No.

Driftwood Day Camp.

Hit them at 5,

when the sun's in their eyes.

Yeah.

Okay, guys.

Guys, can you excuse us

for a minute?

This is not a boot camp. All right?

We're not looking for Colonel Hinton,

war games consultant.

We're looking for Colonel Hinton,

experienced team builder...

...slash King of the Outdoors.

We're not trying to turn these kids

into Marines.

What's wrong with being a Marine?

Maybe if you had enlisted...

...you could work yourself out of a jam

instead of calling in reinforcements.

Listen. Yes, I do appreciate

your coming.

Yes, we do need your help.

But we don't want to get into this thing

with Camp Canola.

- No war games?

- No.

Hand-to-hand combat?

- Guerrilla warfare?

- No war.

No war.

Just help us run Driftwood,

all right?

Can you follow those orders, Dad?

That's colonel to you, private.

Line up.

In through the nose.

Out through the mouth.

In through the nose.

Out through the mouth.

The samurai warrior meditates...

...to blend mind

and body into harmony.

Come here. Come to me.

Hey! Hey!

Hey, old man, what's with the sance

in the middle of our off-road track?

What? Get them out of here!

Get your kids out of here!

Get them out of here!

Somebody's gonna get hurt!

Relax, General Depends.

Shouldn't you be

in some bingo game or something?

L-27. G-13.

All right, boys. Let's move them out.

- B-7.

- G-40.

That tears it.

Rules of engagement...

...been overruled.

There's the objective.

Anyone unclear on their role?

No, sir.

- Anyone wanna go home?

- No, sir.

Operation MoonPie is a go.

It's right up here.

You know, I've never been up here.

Help. Help. Come on, y'all.

Give me a lift. Come on, please.

Go, go.

Where is it? Where is it?

I know that loser from somewhere.

Where is it?

Jackpot.

Charlie Hinton.

Can I help you?

- Hi, my name's Becca.

- I'm Juliette.

And we've come to offer you...

...the Driftwood

Olive Branch of Peace.

In exchange for our friendship...

...all we ask is

that you return our flag.

Did big bad Charlie send

his little bitty girls...

...to do his bidding for him, huh?

Let's put it this way:

Either you give it back...

...or we take it.

You and what army, Petunia?

You had to ask.

Ask what?

What the...?

Get him.

You're messing with Lance Warner.

Stuck.

Yes.

Hey, Warner.

- Yes.

- That's my boy.

Sound the alarm. Red alert.

We're under attack.

This is not a drill, people.

Everyone to your stations!

Security's been breached!

The perimeter's

been compromised!

Lock the gates! Call my dad!

Hey, Dale, you seen Buck?

Supposed to be back

with the kids an hour ago.

I wouldn't sweat it.

Your dad's like

the most responsible guy I ever met.

Yeah, you're probably right.

Get back here, you little rodents.

Come on. Come on.

No! No, no, no.

Give me my pants back.

Here's your diaper.

Clean yourself off.

Move out.

Let go. Get back here, you cowards.

No one messes with Lance Warner,

you hear me?

No one.

G.I. Joe is turning red.

Someone farted on his head.

G.I. Joe is turning pink.

Someone puked in the kitchen sink.

G.I. Joe is turning white.

The zippers on his pants

are really tight.

G.I. Joe is turning blue.

There are peanuts in his poo.

Company, halt.

Where have you guys been?

Your nature hike was supposed

to be back an hour ago.

Present colours.

- You didn't?

- Yes, sir.

Robert, what happened

to your head?

It's just a battle wound.

Dale, go get the first-aid kit.

You take these kids off our premises

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