Dames

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I'm going to take the elevator.

- What floor is Ezra Ounce on?

- Why, the Ezra Ounce floor.

Take this elevator to the 25th floor

then take the special tower elevator.

- Oh, thank you.

- You're welcome.

I beg pardon,

which is the tower elevator?

- Did you wish to see Mr. Ezra Ounce?

- Yes, sir.

Have you an appointment?

- Yes, sir.

- Have you any identification?

Ezra Ounce is my wife's cousin.

Mr. Horace P. Hemingway

of New York City to see Mr. Ounce.

Mr. Horace P. Hemingway

of New York City to see Mr. Ounce.

- Send him up.

- Send him up.

- That way, please.

- Yes, sir.

- Pistol?

- Kidnappers.

Mr. Horace P. Hemingway

of New York City to see Mr. Ounce.

Mr. Horace P. Hemingway

of New York City to see Mr. Ounce.

- Send him in.

- Take him in.

Electricity.

Mr. Horace P. Hemingway of New York City

has an appointment to see Mr. Ounce.

Cousin Ezra, that is, Mr. Ounce,

sent for me to come from New York.

You are three and one-half minutes early.

This is the first time that Cousin Ezra...

...Mr. Ounce

has sent for me in 20 years.

March 8, 1912, you had

an appointment at 10:23 a.m.

You stayed four minutes.

Yes. He had heard that I'd had a baby.

That is, my wife, Mathilda, had it.

He wanted to add it to the family tree.

Girl. Name:
Barbara.

Weight:
Five pounds.

Complexion:
Undetermined. Hair: Bald.

Yes. Barbara took after me at first.

She was born bald.

She's got hair now.

- Fortunate.

- She's 22 now.

Twenty-two years, two months,

three days is correct.

Cousin Ezra wasn't very happy

about her being a girl.

Mr. Ounce does not approve of females.

I'm, that is, we're sorry

we couldn't have given him a boy.

It is time for your appointment.

Mr. Ounce is very particular as to

punctuality. Mr. Ounce is waiting.

Oh, thank you.

Electricity.

You told me the tire

would run 10,000 miles.

Now, what happened? It blew out.

I don't want a new tire.

I want my $ 18.75. If I don't get it back,

I'm gonna sue you.

Cousin Ezra, it's been 20 years since...

He told me the tire

would run 10,000 miles.

What happened? It only ran 9998 miles.

It's dishonest. False representation,

that's what it is.

I don't want a new tire. Sounds eccentric

but I can afford to be.

I've got $35 million.

You haven't got $35 million.

You can't afford to be eccentric.

- What are you shaking your head for?

- I can't afford to be eccentric.

- That's what I said.

- That's what I mean.

Well, why didn't you say so?

Mathilda and Barbara

send their love to you.

- Barbara sends her love to me?

- Yes, Ezra.

Why should she send her love to me?

She's never seen me.

Well, she's seen your picture.

She's sending her love to my picture.

No, no, you see. We've told her,

that is, she knows all about you.

Sit down.

I've prepared a questionnaire. And if you

answer the questions to my satisfaction...

- Yes, Ezra?

...to my entire satisfaction...

...I may have an important

decision to announce.

Hemingway questionnaire.

Do you promise to tell the truth, the

whole truth and nothing but the truth?

I do.

Are you a moral man, Mr. Hemingway?

Well, I like to think so.

- Well, don't you know?

- Oh, yes, yes, I'm a moral man.

- Have you ever touched liquor or nicotine?

- Never.

Have you ever purposely sinned?

No, not much, on purpose.

Have you ever dawdled

with the idea of sinning?

Now, Ezra, you know I never dawdle.

- Answer me, yes or no.

- No.

- Yes, Mr. Ounce?

- Listen carefully, Horace...

...and you'll understand

my decision. The family tree.

Yes, sir.

This is the Ounce family tree.

Here's Mr. Ounce coming right up

out of the trunk.

This is Mathilda Ounce Hemingway...

...out on this limb.

You married this limb.

And this twig sprouting here

is Miss Barbara.

Show him the withered branches.

Mr. Ounce has looked with horror

on the rotten branches of his family tree...

...if I might use the term.

Bad banana in every bunch.

There is only one more living fruit

of the Ounce family tree...

...and that is bad fruit.

James Higgens, over here,

has succumbed to the stage...

...in defiance of Mr. Ounce's

known wishes in the matter.

James "Bad Fruit" Higgens, an actor.

And have you barred

said James Higgens from your home...

...pursuant to Mr. Ounce's memorandum,

January 13, 1930?

- I have.

- You'd better.

Very well, Mr. Hemingway. Mr. Ounce

has decided not to wait until he dies...

...before dividing his fortune.

He's going back

to New York with you tonight.

There he will liquidate $ 10 million...

...and give it to your wife and yourself.

Ten million dollars.

What about it?

- That's very nice of you, Ezra.

- Yes, but if I find out you haven't...

...answered the questions truthfully...

- Ezra.

If I find your moral life is nothing

more than a snare and a delusion...

...I'll cut you off like a ripe banana.

Yes, Ezra, like a ripe banana.

James "Bad Fruit" Higgens.

Take a look at that.

Destroy this. He's no longer an Ounce.

Like to hear a little secret?

I love you.

Jimmy Higgens, why all this love

and affection? Have you got a job?

Do I have to have a job to love you?

No, but I'd like to hear both.

Well, I haven't got a job.

Nothing but love.

Thirty-four shows in New York

and not a one of them aching for me.

You'll get there yet.

You just keep trying.

Honey, a couple of boys

and myself are writing our own show.

You should have waited until Uncle Ezra

died before you went on the stage.

I'd have been playing old-man parts by then.

Besides, I don't want any of his money.

I only want to do the things I like,

and kiss the girl I love.

It doesn't seem right, our loving each other

like we do, being related and everything.

Related? We're 13th cousins.

- Thirteenth?

- Thirteenth.

- Say, is that bad luck?

- Nothing's bad luck, sitting here like this.

- Too hot?

- Of course not.

- That spot...

- So what?

It's a precious souvenir to me

- In love?

- In strong

With me? How long?

Oh, since you were about

Now, let me see

- 'Bout 8? 'Bout 10? 'Bout 12?

- No

- Well, when?

- I'll tell you very confidentially

When you were a smile

on your mother's lips

And a twinkle in your daddy's eye

I loved you then

I loved you when

You were a little tender sigh

When I was a babe in my mother's arms

I would wake up with a lonely cry

I cried for you

They never knew

They thought it was my lullaby

I gave up every little toy

I played no game

I was a lonely little boy

Until you came

The days flew apart

You were in my heart

And I waited for the stork to fly

When you were a smile

On your mother's lips

And a twinkle in your daddy's eye

No. That way.

Up.

Careful.

Oh, Barbara.

Barbara, guess what?

Cousin Ezra is on his way

form Buffalo with father.

- And he's gonna give us $ 10 million.

- What's he gonna give Jimmy?

Don't you dare breathe that young

reprobate's name to Cousin Ezra.

My, your father has dreamed of this moment

ever since we were married.

That's all you've talked about

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