Dames Page #2

---

as long as I can remember.

But just think. Ten million dollars.

Oh, I can hardly wait to see

dear, dear Ezra.

I'd rather see Jimmy once

than that old ruin 10 million times.

Barbara, that's almost sacrilege.

Yes, and I wish Uncle Ezra would hurry

and get here so I could tell him so.

Barbara.

Laura, how could

you do this to Cousin Ezra?

Come on, get up.

Barbara will be glad to see you, Ezra.

Why not? And I've got some

good news for you and Mathilda.

While I liquidate $ 10 million, I've decided

to spend about a month at your house.

Oh, that is good news, Ezra.

New York City reeks with sin, especially

the hotels. I wouldn't go near any of them.

Oh, you're right, Cousin Ezra.

And here's something else.

I shall take a second 10 million

to form the O.F. For the E. Of A.M.

- The what?

- The Ounce Foundation...

...for the Elevation of American Morals.

You can elevate a lot of morals

for $ 10 million, Ezra.

New York City is a hotbed of vice.

We'll start with New York and work west.

- Very commendable.

- Mathilda can work south.

I'll give her the southern territory.

- Mathilda will appreciate that very much.

- Yeah?

She's always been interested

in reforming everything.

Ten o'clock. Past our bedtime.

Come, Horace.

Bulger. Bodyguard.

Stop that, you old rou, you.

Did you see her trip me? Come, Horace.

Shows you how careful one must be.

You're a good, clean moral man,

aren't you, Horace?

- Oh, yes, indeedy.

- Well, see that you remain that way.

We must prepare for the battle in New York.

Sleep well, Horace.

- Good night, Ezra.

- Good night. Come, Bulger.

- Oh, the wrong room.

- No, it isn't my room. It must be yours.

- No, it's not mine.

- Well, look.

- It is mine.

- Good.

What are you doing in my compartment?

I was with a burlesque show. We were

stranded and laid an egg in Troy, see?

- I don't see it at all.

- It's very simple.

This is better than walking to New York.

- Y... You get out of here.

- Why? I don't snore.

Snore?

One, two, one, two.

One, two, one, two. Well, Horace.

I thought you were in bed.

No, I'm not in bed. I came out

to get some air. You're not in bed.

My compartment was too small so I came

down to exercise. It's good for you.

Stimulates the digestion, strengthens

the corpuscles. One, two, one, two.

I've overdone it. Athlete's stomach.

Must go to bed, Horace.

Come, Bulger.

Well, here's your compartment, Horace.

This should've been mine.

"E" stands for Ezra. Do you get it?

- Good night, Cousin Ezra.

- Good night, Horace.

Oh, I thought there was a catch in this.

Indian giver, huh?

Get out of here,

I'll call the conductor.

Call him. I'll tell him we got on at Buffalo

and that you got cold feet.

I'll make a scandal to shake

this rattler off its tracks.

- Oh, no.

- I think I'll start screaming.

Oh, no, no, no. Stay right here.

Make yourself at home.

Wild horses couldn't keep me in here.

Mr. Hemingway.

Is there anything wrong

with your compartment?

Oh, it's full of rats.

I see.

I'm not a drinking man myself,

but I'm broad-minded.

Yes, sir. I had a cousin

used to see rats. Pink ones.

- Come on, you better go to bed.

- No, no, I refuse to go to bed.

Will you go quietly,

or must I call Mr. Ounce?

Oh, no, no. I'll go quietly.

Mathilda, I shall appoint you first-crusading

vice president of the Ounce Foundation.

Well, what do I do first, Ezra?

Well, first... First, we must

put our ear to the ground.

What do you mean, Cousin Ezra?

Oh, just snooping around.

Barbara.

- Well?

- And a good, good evening to you, miss.

- We don't wanna buy nothing.

- I represent the Empire Insurance Company.

- I have a little policy for you.

- We've got it. Go away, I got orders.

So have I.

I've got to see Mr. Hemingway.

Take your foot away from the door...

...and I'll tell him you're here.

- I'm coming in...

...if you don't mind.

I do mind. You stay right here.

I can hardly wait till you get back.

- I never saw such nerve.

- Laura, who was at the door?

One of them fresh insurance fellas,

ma'am. And he got in.

What company does he represent, miss?

- He says he's from the Empire of Buffalo.

- I'll get rid of him, Ezra.

No, just a moment, Horace.

He represents my company.

I like persistency. Show him into

the sitting room. I'll interview him.

Laura, show him in.

Here I am.

Mr. Ounce says for you to come

into the sitting room.

Well, what's this?

- Well, this is the sitting room.

- All right, I'll sit.

Do you realize that 65 out of every

100 people become paupers at age 50?

- No.

- It's the truth...

...and nothing can prevent it

but life insurance.

And you, Mr. Hemingway,

do you realize that 65...

...out of every 100 people

become paupers at age 50?

- No.

- Do you?

- Do you?

- Yes.

The lady is right and nothing

can prevent it but life insurance.

- Haven't I seen you someplace before?

- You haven't. That's why I'm here.

I want to give us a break.

My spies told me you'd be here.

- You are James Higgens.

- You are Uncle Ezra.

I've got a musical show that's a honey.

It's called Sweet and Hot.

- Get out.

- I got the show, you the dough.

- Get out.

- Now wait a minute.

We don't know or like each other,

but this is strictly a business proposition.

- And you stand to make at least $25,000.

- Horace, tell him to get out.

- You get out of here.

- Now you get right out.

- If you don't make money it's a good show.

- If you mention show to me... Bulger.

Bulger.

Bulger.

Bulger. Here. Put that gun away.

Put that gun away. And throw him out.

- Wait a minute.

- Throw him out. Throw him out. Out.

D.S. Oggle-wopple. D.S. Oggle-wopple.

D.S. Oggle-wopple.

- What does D.S. Oggle-wopple mean?

- Maybe he's hysterical or something.

Hysterical? He's a maniac.

- What's the matter?

- When I get excited...

...I get nervous indigestion.

Come over here and sit down.

Now you sit right down there, Ezra.

And keep quiet.

- We'll get you a drink of water.

- No. No.

Well, go get Uncle Ezra

some bicarbonate of soda.

- No.

- Wouldn't plain baking soda be all right?

No.

Well, then hold your breath

and count a hundred.

Have you ever tried holding your finger

to your upper lip, hard? Like this?

There's only one remedy.

- What is it, uncle?

- Dr. Silver's Golden Elixir.

- Made in Buffalo.

- I'll run to the drugstore and get some.

- Yeah, hurry, hurry.

- All right.

Call the drugstore, quick.

What's the matter? Don't you know

people have hiccups for weeks sometimes?

- Line's busy.

- Well, call another one.

Aren't there any other drugstores

in New York?

Do something.

Want me to tickle his feet?

He might start laughing.

I don't wanna hear

another word out of you.

Have you got

Dr. Golden's Silver Elixir?

Dr. Silver's Golden Elixir.

All right. He hasn't got it anyway.

Maybe if the gentleman would stick his

head upside down in a bucket of water.

You're fired. Go pack your things.

Very well, ma'am. And I hope the old

Rate this script:0.0 / 0 votes