Dames Page #3

---

buzzard hiccups himself into spasms.

Get out. Get out. Ezra. Ezra.

That was a very dangerous

and silly thing for you to do.

He was my last chance. I've been to every

producer's office and couldn't get in.

- You got past our maid.

- I'll be an expert...

...at getting thrown out.

- Say, how'd you get out?

- Oh, I was lucky.

You gave Uncle Ezra the hiccups,

and I had to run for medicine.

- Well, I hope they haven't got any.

- Oh, you nasty man.

- Good evening, Barbara.

- Good evening.

Do you have Dr. Silver's Golden Elixir?

- What?

- Dr. Silver's Golden Elixir.

I haven't been asked for that

in 20 years.

I may have a bottle somewhere.

- I'll look.

- Thank you.

You know, Mother asked me

what D.S. Oggle-wopple meant.

Jimmy, I've heard you say that

over the phone so many times...

...I figured out that D.S. Meant:

Meet me at the drugstore.

But what does Oggle-wopple mean?

It's a long story. That was just to make

it tough in case the folks were listening in.

Oh, I understand.

Here's your elixir, Barbara.

It's probably the only bottle in New York.

- Thank you. Charge it, please.

- Certainly.

- Want a sip?

- Thanks.

Good?

- Well, let's go.

- All right.

- So long, Eddy. See you later.

- So long, Jimmy.

Oh, my elixir.

You don't have to go right back home,

do you, honey?

Gosh, it's the first night we've been

together in months.

Look at that moon, sweets.

I wanna talk about the show

and about us.

I can't concentrate on it, Jimmy.

All I can think of is Uncle Ezra's hiccups.

Now which would you rather do,

listen to Uncle Ezra's hiccups...

...or let me tell you

how much I love you?

- Where you gonna tell me, Jimmy?

- I could do it here, but I won't.

I gotta have background.

Okay, kid, come on.

How's this for background, sweetheart?

The sea, the moon and you.

- It's perfect, isn't it?

- Almost.

- What do you mean, almost?

- Jimmy, if your play was a success...

...we could choose our own

background always, couldn't we?

Success? Sweetheart, we've got

a million dollars right here...

...if I can get someone to back me.

Just listen to this.

This is how I feel about you.

My love must be a kind of blind love

I can't see anyone but you

And, dear, I wonder if you find love

An optical illusion too

Are the stars out tonight?

I don't know if it's cloudy or bright

'Cause I only have eyes

For you, dear

The moon may be high

But I can't see a thing in the sky

'Cause I only have eyes

For you

I don't know if we're in a garden

Or on a crowded avenue

You are here, so am I

Maybe millions of people go by

But they all disappear from view

And I only have eyes

For you

Gee, Jimmy, that's swell.

So are you.

My.

For heaven's sakes.

Ezra, please let me send for a doctor.

Don't wanna. I hate doctors.

Don't know what's keeping Barbara.

Well, are you comfortable?

Is there anything I can do?

Yes. Get me some elixir and get out.

Never had a woman

in my bedroom before in my life.

- But, Ezra...

- Get out.

- But I...

- Go on, get out.

Crown Drug?

I'll give you $ 100

for a bottle of Dr. Silver's Golden Elixir.

And I'll give you 1000 bucks

if I ever heard of it.

Do something.

I've called up 500 drugstores,

and you ask me to do something.

Call one other one, quick.

My.

Hello? Star Drug?

I'll give you 500 bottles...

$500 for a bottle of Dr. Silver's...

- Dr. Golden, Dr. Silver's Gold...

- Dr. Silver's Golden Elixir.

Dr. Silver's Golden Elixir.

I haven't seen a bottle

since the Spanish-American War.

Oh, get another number, quick.

Ezra.

There's not a drugstore

in New York that carries it.

Serves me right for coming without it.

Imagine no druggist in New York City

carrying Dr. Silver's Elixir.

Send to Buffalo.

Get a couple of cases. Don't stand there.

- But I...

- Do something. Get out.

Go on. Get out. Get it. Get the elixir.

How do I know where you get it?

What kind of a drugstore is this?

That's your business.

Oh, Horace, control yourself.

- I've called up every...

- Horace.

- Blankety-blank drugstore in this town.

- Control your language.

- Ezra might hear you.

- I don't give a...

Horace.

Barbara.

Where have you been?

- Staten Island.

- What for?

- Oh, for Dr. Silver's Golden Elixir.

- She's got it.

- Give it to me, Horace.

- Hurry up. Give it to him. Cousin Ezra.

- Come on, hurry up. Give it to him.

- Cousin Ezra, here it is.

That's it. The only thing that never fails.

- How many spoonfuls?

- Never mind. I'll drink it out of the bottle.

Goodbye, hiccups.

That stuff is magic.

I feel like a new man.

- Honey.

- Jimmy.

I got a date with a producer.

They're playing the songs.

- I need you for good luck.

- Okay.

Fine.

Boys, that's just what the theater needs.

It's fresh. It's young. It's good.

I like the songs. I like the book.

The whole thing is colossal.

- You'll accept it?

- For immediate production.

I'm going to give you my check

for $5000, advance royalties.

Five thousand dollars?

Did you hear that?

- Oh, gee, that's swell.

- We're in. We're in. We're on the way.

There's your check, my boy.

Now if you will just

put your name to this...

...merely a release

of the property to me...

...while we're waiting for the contracts.

Now, I'll notify you when rehearsals start.

Will we get the regular percentage?

You don't have to be satisfied

with any usual royalties.

I'll guarantee you boys a straight

15 percent of the gross.

Mr. Todd, you don't know

how grateful we are.

Indeed. The only other playwright getting

15 percent is George Bernard Shaw.

Mr. Todd,

you're the swellest guy in the world.

My boy, you're youth.

Your play is youth.

And I always believe

in encouraging youth.

In fact I may almost say

that I was young once myself.

Well, you go right ahead and say it.

Nobody's stopping you.

Well, well, Mabel.

My, you're looking splendid.

I ought to. I spent

my last 200 bucks on this outfit.

- Know what I came back to New York in?

- In good health.

- In a coat and a pair of step-ins.

- Did you have to walk back?

It wasn't your fault that I didn't,

you bandit.

Well, Mr. Higgens,

I'll call you up later...

...since this is a personal matter.

- Personal my eye, I want witnesses.

One o'clock. I have a luncheon

engagement with my banker.

- Now, you'Il...

- Fork over that $57 back salary or I'Il...

You'll have to see my lawyer.

Your lawyer. You four-flushing chiseler.

He sends me out in a turkey show

that folds up like an accordion.

He leaves me holding the bag,

stranded, broke in Troy.

Have you ever been stranded in Troy?

Have you ever even been there?

- No, no.

- No.

Well, buddy, what did that

look like to you?

It looks like you can't get

blood out of a turnip.

- Did he hook you too?

- No, he just...

...gave us a check

for $5000 for our show.

Five thousand?

Pardon me while I have a convulsion.

Well, I'd like to meet my fellow

sufferers. I'm Mabel Anderson.

This is Miss Hemingway.

And this is Johnny Harris.

Rate this script:0.0 / 0 votes