Daniel Tosh: Happy Thoughts

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[rock music]

[cheers and applause]

- THANK YOU...

SAN FRANCISCO.

ALL RIGHT,

YOU'RE RUINING THE SHOW.

[cheers and applause continue]

THANK YOU...

FOR CLAPPING:

FOR WHAT MY PARENTS

ARE ASHAMED OF.

OH, SAN FRANCISCO.

YES.

[cheers and applause]

OH...

MY THIRD FAVORITE CITY

TO DO COMEDY IN.

HUH?

THAT'S NOT BAD, RIGHT?

TOP TEN.

CONGRATULATIONS.

AW, MORE BUTT[bleep]

PER SQUARE FOO THAN IN ANY PLACE

IN THE WORLD.

THAT'S YOU GUYS.

THAT'S YOU.

[cheers and applause]

PUT THAT ON YOUR POSTCARDS.

"SAN FRANCISCO:

"MORE BUTT[bleep]

PER SQUARE FOOT.

MISS YOU."

ALL RIGHT.

IF I OFFEND ANYBODY TONIGHT,

I APOLOGIZE.

THAT'S NOT MY INTENTION.

I'M NOT GONNA GUESS WHAT YOUR

PERSONAL LINE OF DECENCY IS.

I CROSS MY OWN:

FROM TIME TO TIME.

IT'S HOW I KNOW

I STILL HAVE ONE.

ALL RIGHT.

I HAVE NO PROBLEM

WITH ILLEGAL IMMIGRATION

IN THIS COUNTRY:

EXCEPT FOR THE FAC THAT THEY DON'T SERVE

ON JURY DUTY.

THAT'S HORSE [bleep].

IT SHOULD BE:

THE OTHER WAY AROUND.

THEY SHOULD SERVE EXCLUSIVELY

ON JURY DUTY.

YEAH.

[cheers and applause]

THEN IT FINALLY WOULD BE

A JURY OF ONE'S OWN PEERS.

[crowd groaning]

[laughter and applause]

IT'S NOT A STEREOTYPE

IF IT'S ALWAYS TRUE.

YEAH, THEN IT BECOMES LAW.

THAT JOKE IS CALLED

"LATINOS ARE CRIMINALS."

THAT'S JUST THE TITLE.

IT DOESN'T MEAN ANYTHING.

SOMETIMES BEFORE

I WALK ON STAGE,

MY GIRLFRIEND MIGHT SAY,

"HAVE A GOOD SHOW. BREAK A LEG."

THIS IS WHAT SHE SAID

TO ME A FEW WEEKS AGO

RIGHT BEFORE I WALKED

ON STAGE.

SHE GOES, "HEY, YOU EVER WORRY

ABOUT GETTING SHO WHEN YOU'RE OUT THERE?"

I'M LIKE, "WHAT THE HELL

IS WRONG WITH YOU?"

SHE FOLLOWED IT WITH,

"YOU SHOULD MOVE AROUND MORE."

UH, YOU SHOULD GO BACK

TO READING YOUR VAMPIRE BOOKS.

[laughter and cheers]

I SHOULD MOVE AROUND MORE?

AS IF A SNIPER:

WOULD GET FRUSTRATED.

LIKE...

"I CAN'T KEEP UP.

HE LIVES."

A LOT OF TIMES, PEOPLE COMPLAIN

THAT THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHER

TAKES TOO LONG TO GET READY

TO GO OUT AT NIGHT.

I'VE NEVER HAD THAT COMPLAINT.

AND I THINK IT'S BECAUSE

I NEVER WANT TO GO ANYWHERE.

SO I COULD CARE LESS HOW LONG

IT TAKES HER TO GET READY.

THAT'S JUST LESS TIME

I HAVE TO SPEND:

WITH HER HORRIBLE FRIENDS

PRETENDING:

THAT I DON'T WAN TO KILL MYSELF.

YEAH.

[cheers and applause]

SHE'LL TAKE AN HOUR AND A HALF

TO GET READY,

COME DOWN AND BE LIKE,

"OH, MY GOODNESS.

YOU ARE SO PATIENT."

AND I'LL BE LIKE, "FOR WHAT?

YOU LOOK DISGUSTING."

RIGHT? YEAH.

NOW SHE'S CRYING.

WHATEVER.

I BOUGHT MYSELF AN EXTRA

TWO HOURS TO WATCH THE GAME.

YEAH.

YEAH.

IT'S NOT LIKE

SHE'S GONNA BREAK UP WITH ME.

SHE'S TEN YEARS YOUNGER.

SHE'S ONE OPINION AWAY

FROM BEING REPLACED.

I CAN SAY THAT.

I HAVE A TELEVISION SHOW.

YEAH.

THE POWER IN OUR HOUSEHOLD

HAS SHIFTED DRAMATICALLY.

NOW, IF YOU'RE FOLLOWING ME

ON TWITTER,

YOU KNOW:

I HAD DIARRHEA TODAY.

AM I USING THAT WEBSITE

PROPERLY?

SOMETIMES I LIKE TO SI ON THE TOILET IN REVERSE.

"WE'RE LISTENING."

IT'S NICE, RIGHT?

YOU CAN TURN AROUND.

YOU CAN LEAN ON THE TANK.

I'M GONNA BE HERE FOR A WHILE.

YEAH, THE PEOPLE THAT ARE

CLAPPING RIGHT NOW,

THEY'RE THE ONES LIKE,

"OKAY, ALL KIDDING ASIDE,

"HE IS A GENIUS.

"NO, NO, NO, NO.

IT'S THE SIMPLICITY.

"I'VE BEEN SITTING

ON THAT THING MY WHOLE LIFE.

"YOU'RE TELLING ME

I COULD TURN AROUND,

"HAVE A BOWL OF CEREAL,

YEAH?

"SET THE ALARM

TEN MINUTES LATER.

MULTITASK."

ALL RIGHT, NOBODY SHOULD EA WHILE ON THE TOILET.

"BUT I'M LACTOSE INTOLERANT,

AND I'VE ALWAYS WANTED

TO ENJOY A BOWL OF PUFFINS

WITH WHOLE MILK."

THAT'S MORE

OF AN ALMOND MILK CEREAL,

BUT LIVE YOUR DREAM.

SOMEBODY EMAILED ME,

AND THEY'RE LIKE,

"HEY, DIP[bleep]--"

WHICH, FOR THE RECORD,

IS A WONDERFUL SUBJECT LINE

IF YOU EVER WANT ME

TO READ YOUR EMAILS.

OH, LET'S SEE WHA THIS NICE FAN HAS TO SAY.

YOU HAD ME AT "HELLO."

THEY'RE LIKE, "YOU KNOW YOU HAVE

TO TAKE YOUR PANTS

COMPLETELY OFF TO SI ON THE TOILET BACKWARDS?"

[laughter]

TOUCHE.

ALL RIGHT,

SO I DON'T RESEARCH.

IT'S A PRE-SHOWER [bleep],

AGREED?

CAN WE MOVE ON,

STICKLERS TO EVERY JOKE DETAIL?

YOU EVER HAVE:

A POST-SHOWER [bleep]?

OH, MIGHT AS WELL

GO BACK TO BED:

AND STAR YOUR WHOLE DAY OVER.

THINGS ARE WRONG.

THAT'S NO THE ORDER OF EVENTS.

THERE'S A GLITCH

IN THE MATRIX.

THIS WORLD'S NOT REAL.

MOM!

WIPE ME!

[laughter and cheers]

I RECENTLY STARTED FLAT-IRONING

MY BALL HAIR.

COME ON, LADIES.

YOU KNOW HOW IT IS.

IF YOU HAVE CURLY HAIR,

YOU JUST WANT STRAIGHT HAIR.

SO NOW WHEN PEOPLE

SEE MY BALLS,

IT'S LIKE,

"OH, MY GOODNESS.

"THAT LOOKS REALLY,

REALLY GOOD.

ISN'T THAT DAMAGING

TO THE HAIR?"

AND I'M LIKE, "YEAH,

BUT WHAT ARE YOU GONNA DO?"

I WISH VICTORIA BECKHAM

WOULD KNOCK IT OFF

WITH ALL THE CUTE DOS.

I CAN'T KEEP UP.

MY BALLS STILL:

HAVE THE '06 POSH.

REMEMBER THAT LITTLE

TRENDY LITTLE CUT?

POSH SPICE?

LOOKS LIKE MY TESTICLES.

OKAY?

AM I THE ONLY PERSON

THAT HOPES DAVID BECKHAM

HAS SEX WITH BRAD PITT?

I DON'T KNOW WHO'S IN CHARGE

OF CASTING IN HOLLYWOOD,

BUT MAKE IT HAPPEN

BEFORE ONE OF THEM'S

OUT OF THEIR PRIME.

CAN YOU IMAGINE THOSE TWO MEN

TOGETHER MAKING LOVE?

OH.

IF THERE'S A MAN

IN HERE THAT'S JUNK

DOESN'T WIGGLE JUST A LITTLE BI AT THE THOUGH OF THOSE TWO MEN TOGETHER--

THIS HAS NOTHING TO DO

WITH YOUR HOMOPHOBIC

SEXUAL PREFERENCE.

AT THAT LEVEL, IT'S ART,

YOU MONKEY, OKAY?

YOU SHOULD BE HONORED THA YOU SHARE THE SAME RESTROOM

WITH THOSE GREEK GODS.

CAN YOU IMAGINE:

IF THEY HAD A CHILD?

AHH:

WAS THAT SIMBA?

WHAT THE [bleep]?

WAS THAT SIMBA?

THAT'S THE BECKHAM-PITT KID?

THAT'S "PITTKHAM"?

THE MOST BEAUTIFUL CHILD

THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN.

PICTURE BABY JESUS

WITH BETTER ABS.

THAT'S A GOOD-LOOKING BABY.

IF THEY HAD:

A BABY ABERCROMBIE STORE,

THEY'D HIRE HIM TO WORK

THE FRONT DOOR, RIGHT?

JUST STANDIN' THERE SHIRTLESS,

PROPPED UP.

HE CAN'T STAND YET.

JUST LEANING AGAINST THE WALL.

BIG POSTER,

BIG POSTER OF HIMSELF

JUST STANDING:

IN LITTLE TIGHT PAMPERS.

AND YOU'D WALK IN,

AND YOU'D BE LIKE,

"I DON'T WANT TO SAY THIS,

BUT I WANT TO [bleep]

THAT BABY."

OH, MAN!

DO I WANT TO [bleep] THAT BABY!

IF I HAD THREE WISHES,

TWO OF 'EM WOULD BE

TO [bleep] THAT BABY

AND ONE WOULD BE

FOR MORE WISHES.

"WELL, YOU CAN'T DO THAT."

THEN I WANT TO [bleep] THE BABY

A THIRD TIME.

I WOULD LIKE TO USE

ALL THREE WISHES

BANGING THAT BABY.

GO AHEAD, DUMB PEOPLE,

BE OFFENDED BY A JOKE

THAT DOESN'T HAVE

A PLAUSIBLE PREMISE.

OH, I'D LOVE TO READ

YOUR EMAIL.

"I FELT YOU WEN OVER THE LINE A BI "WHEN YOU THEORETICALLY

WANTED TO FORNICATE

WITH A MYTHICAL CHILD."

[laughter and applause]

[cheers and applause]

- HEADS UP, MORMONS,

THIS JOKE'S GONNA STING.

[laughter]

NEXT TIME A GOLDEN PLATE FALLS

FROM THE HEAVENS,

GO AHEAD AND PUT I IN YOUR SPAM FILE.

LET'S NOT BASE YOUR ENTIRE LIFE

ON A RELIGION:

THAT'S OLD ENOUGH

FOR MY DAD TO BE LIKE,

"OH, YEAH.

THAT'S NOT TRUE.

"UH, THAT DIDN'T HAPPEN.

"I DON'T KNOW WHY

THEY'RE WEARING THEIR PAJAMAS

"UNDER THEIR CLOTHES.

I ASSUME THEIR GOD WANTS THEM

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