Dark Horse Page #2

low sperm count.

I don't think so.

Why are you so sure?

I had myself tested,

just in case.

Two points.

[Can rattling]

You a giants fan?

Follow the super bowl?

- No.

- Yeah, but,

in general, are you more into

front runners or dark horses?

I kind of see myself

as a front runner mentality,

but then, I like to play on

my dark horse qualities.

Just strategically,

if you know what I mean.

When's your birthday?

January 30th.

Interesting.

Why?

We met on September 30th.

Yeah?

Well, a lot of people will tell you

there's no meaning to dates and numbers,

but I'll tell you something,

they're wrong.

And it has nothing

to do with astrology,

which is, like, total bullshit.

"What's your sign? I'm

a gemini." No, no, no.

It has to do with the dates

and numbers themselves.

Why?

Because they mean something.

What's the meaning?

Takes time to figure out,

but it's there.

And it matters.

Kind of like in the kabbalah,

only not the Madonna kind.

Trust me, dates and numbers

have to be right.

Okay.

Miranda, I have

something I wanna say.

- What?

- I know this might

take you by surprise, I mean, like,

totally wild and crazy, I know.

I'm just a dark horse

at heart, but I always

just tell myself,

"Abe, go for it!"

Uh-huh.

Miranda, I wanna marry you.

Will you accept?

Don't say anything.

Just think about it.

I know. It's totally

crazy. I know.

I just wanted to put it out

there, let you know how I feel.

But let's just push

that aside for now.

You wanna go to the movies?

Go to the mall or something?

Pick up some tacos?

Hi, there.

Did you have a nice day?

[Male on TV]

Raisins give me gas.

[Female on TV] They do?

Yes, mom.

But they never gave you gas

when you were a little boy.

Yeah, well, they give me gas

now, so, please, no raisins.

Okay, then, I'll

just leave them on

the side and give you

some prunes instead.

Prunes? I don't

want any prunes.

You finish the spreadsheets?

Yes.

Well, then, where are they?

The computer's jammed.

As soon as I fix it,

I'll email them to you.

- "Jammed?"

- Yeah, jammed.

There's a technical

glitch in the software.

I told you, I need this stuff

done, today, the latest.

Yeah, well, it's not

like it's my fault!

Well, then, who's fault is it?

I can't take anymore

of this crap!

You always blame

me for everything!

Well, f*** you! I quit!

Fine!

And you can pack up

and move out

of the house

while you're at it!

And you can program the TiVo yourself!

[Door slamming]

[Car alarm chirps]

George Clooney.

Nicole Kidman.

Brad Pitt.

[Car alarm chirps]

Abe? Honey? Is everything...

[male on TV]

What the hell are you doing?

[Woman on TV] I want a divorce.

[Knock on door]

What do you want?

Honey...?

Talk to me.

Dad's such an a**hole.

I know, honey.

I hate him.

I know.

I mean, like, I'm

always so nice to him.

Like showing him how to work

the TiVo, and other stuff.

I know.

I'm moving out.

Where you gonna go?

Away. As far away

as possible.

Do you need any money?

I have savings. I don't

need anyone's help.

I mean, like, mom, I'm...

Remember, I'm always

here for you.

Mom.

Yes, honey?

Actually, you know, you never did

pay up for my backgammon winnings.

Oh, well, I'll write you

a check in the morning.

$845, as of October 4th.

You're always so good

with dates and numbers.

Hey, you wanna play

a quick round, just for fun?

First, the check.

Can I pay you in installments?

Otherwise, if your

father finds out...

he won't.

Don't leave us.

Please.

Where are you gonna go?

I haven't decided yet.

Maybe France.

The dollar's not so

strong these days.

I can go to Mexico.

But you hate the heat.

They have air conditioning

there, in some places.

Then go to Mexico.

If that's what you need to

get out of your system.

[Scoffing]

What's the point?

Wherever I go...

Maybe, you should

go back into therapy.

Psychiatrists are idiots!

The whole profession is a joke!

I know my problems better than

anyone, and there's no solution.

- Dr. Sonnenschein...

- Dr. Sonnenschein

is the biggest f***ing

idiot of them all!

He helped your father and me.

He helped us with our marriage.

You remember. We almost got a divorce.

You should've gotten divorced.

May... maybe some medication.

F*** that! I don't do drugs!

I don't need drugs!

People should just face their

problems head on, face the truth.

And what is the truth?

We're all horrible people.

Humanity's a f***ing cesspool.

People look in the

mirror every f***ing day

and lie to themselves,

saying they're good

or caring, or loving.

But deep down,

not so deep down,

they only care

about themselves.

People...

People treat you like sh*t...

Every f***ing day.

And then they act like

other people are sh*t.

So, they get a pet that's

all cute and cuddly.

But even an animal knows

the hard, primal truth.

It is all about what you want.

And if there's any

kindness or generosity,

it only comes after

being well fed,

or having good sex,

or knowing that you

weren't wiped out

like all the other

suckers on wall street.

Baby...

I care about you.

Here. I've got

the spreadsheets.

Thanks, Marie.

Oh! Hey, Abe.

How's it going?

What are you doing here?

My job.

Uh, derrr.

Now listen here, Abe.

What are you gonna do? Fire me?

I can't fire you.

You quit.

Ha... you wish.

- Abey.

- What?

Son, maybe you should go back

to school, finish your degree.

You didn't finish yours.

Things are not the same.

Oh, so, what? Like, I'm

retarded or something?

Like, I need the

degree, but you don't.

Your brother got a degree.

Talk to him. He's a doctor.

Maybe he can help you.

Richard and I don't talk.

You love your older brother.

You should make up with him.

Are you out of

your f***ing mind?

But he's your brother. What did he

do to you that was so horrible?

You don't know what it was

like growing up with him.

You can never understand.

I'm gonna tell him

to give you a call.

Enough is enough.

This is between me and him, dad.

Stay out of it!

Can you believe my father?

I mean, like, I didn't

even do anything.

And yet, somehow it's all...

always all my fault.

Well, family and business

is always a tricky combination.

Everything would be fine if he

wasn't such a f***ing a**hole!

You see the way he talks to me.

I know. It's hard.

And I got a lot going on. I do

not have time for this sh*t.

I'm, like, in the middle

of a relationship.

Really?

Well, that's great.

Who is she?

I met her a week ago

at a wedding.

And?

I'm in love.

[Chuckling]

Aww...

I asked her to marry me.

Wow. I mean,

isn't that a little...?

She's thinking it over.

Do your parents know?

No. If I told them,

they'd totally f*** it up.

I mean, like, this

is my life, not theirs.

So, um...

How often have

you been seeing her?

Just saw her this weekend.

Does she live nearby?

Yeah, about three hours away,

but, really, it's not a problem.

So you only see her

on weekends, then.

That's the plan... for now.

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