Dark Rising: Bring Your Battle Axe

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[music throughout] MAN (chanting):

Danska, Vitara... Leokad... Kucin...Katara... [rustling] Dansk-Vitara... [thunderclap] [rustling] katara-viska... Viska-Ro... [loud cry] [loud cry] [] MAN (reading):

Menda, rotran... -Daddy?

-Summer... You gave me

quite a scare. Sorry daddy. Why aren't you in bed? I couldn't sleep. Listen to me, Summer. Daddy's got a lot

of work to do. Maybe I can help. What language is it? Nothing you've ever heard. Maria? That's mommy right? It's time to go to bed. Please can I stay up

just a little later... Pleeeeassse... Well you could... But if you do... ...then you'll have the

tickle monster to deal with. [laughter] In to bed!

[laughing] Come on,

under the covers. Raaaargh!

[squealing, giggling] There was a

young lady who-- Dad, no singing. But I have such a

beautiful voice. Tell me a story. Summer... A short one. -Promise?

-I promise. Okay, a short one. Now close your eyes. And tell me what kind of

story you want to hear. A monster story! A monster story? But there's no such

thing as monsters. Yes there are! Have you ever seen one? No. See... How about a story

about a Princess... and her father

the King who loves her

very much. Daddy, your female characters come

off a little superficial. Not this one. Because this story the princess was the most

beautiful in all the world. Really?

What did she look like? Well, she had long,

beautiful brown hair, and gorgeous hazel eyes. And her smile was just about the most precious

anyone had ever seen... One day, when she

was all grown up, her prince did come and made her the happiest

princess in the whole land. Why does the Princess need

a Prince to make her happy? Do you want to hear

the story or not? [chuckling] Come on,

lie down. [] MAN (reading):

Menda... Menda-Ro... Menda Rotran Carno Matron. Menda Rotran

Carno Matron. Menda Rotran Carno Matron. Menda Rotran

Carno Matron. [loud boom] Summer? Menda Rotran Carno Matron... Vytal Krank Overt Mantron. Vytal Krank...

Overt Mantron. [loud boom] [] [rumbling] Oh, damn. [loud crash] [rumbling] [clock chimes] [rumbling] Daddy? Summer! [scream] [animal roaring] [clock ticking] [clock chimes] [chimes slow down] [machines beeping] [indistinct voices] Her body might not

take the strain. It's still in

its testing phase. [girl whimpering] What if she dies? [indistinct voices continue] [rapid beeping] WOMAN (annoyed):

Earth to sleeping beauty! You coming or what? MAN:

You know... It's not so much that

women are evil... it's not. It's just that men... ...as in, me... men. Well, we've gotten soft. We are a society of men

raised by women and we're a bunch

of pussies. Pardon my language. I mean look at me. I'm sitting here and I'm staring at the ring

I gave my high school sweetheart and I'm damn near tears. It's really pathetic. And I bet you're wondering

what I'm doing with it. Well, my high school

sweetheart decided we were

finished... so she packaged

up the ring and she sent it to

me in the mail. No explanationay! Just a sparkling ring in

a clean white envelope. Now you tell me... Is that f***ed up or what? Yeah, that's f***ed up. I want you to have it. Before I give

this to you, I want you to

remember something. Every time you

look at this ring I want

you to remember something... One day you're going to

meet someone special. And you guys are going to

have a lot of good times and a lot of

good memories... And then one day you're

going to think... you're going to be wrong, but

you're going to think it... I wonder if there is someone

else out there for me, I wonder if I

deserve better? And I want you to

remember that you don't. You don't deserve better. Okay? You got that? I'm sorry,

I'm rambling. I'm sure somebody

out there said a helluva lot better

than I just said it. Probably like Shakespeare. Or Kevin Smith. Oooh, Nickelback... But it hurts, man. You know, it really hurts. Take the ring. And remember what

I told you, okay? Give me my ring back. [] [] I told you so didn't I? What? I tried to warn you. I tried to warn you, but

nobody listens to Ricky. Can we just drop it? What a whore.

Oh dude, it's still fresh. What a b*tch? Better. You're going to

feel really silly, when we get back

together though. Are you serious? That's sad.

That's very sad. Shut up.

Please. I thought you said there

were going to be models. There's models.

They're inside. Well, let's go in. I'm tired, man. I'm taking a break. You're taking a break? What is it that you do that you need to

take a break from? See that's

the thing... Working with

models, it's harder than it looks. I mean... They b*tch, they complain,

they eat like pigs. You wouldn't think

it looking at them, but they're machinges, man... they eat everything before

I even get a chance to-- And don't do that. Do what? Judge. Don't judge me. Are you done? Yeah, I'm done. Can we go in now? Let's go. [] Yeah, real hard

work Ricky. Don't judge. Hi, Ricky. You shoot porn, man... Keep it down, man. There's no pornography

going around here... do you see anything here that

even resembles pornography, because I don't. This is a commercial shoot

for a chat line service; a legitimate business with

legitimate requirements. And one of those requirements

just so happens to be a very pretty lady,

dressed provocatively pretending to talk

on the phone. Why? Why Ricky? I knew you'd ask. To entice the viewer watching

at home to pick up the phone and call the number that will appear at the

bottom of their screen. And sure it caters

to the male, 18 to 35 year old

demographic but that's neither

here nor there. There is nothing

pornographic about it... All right? Sorry dude. Hey Christy...

can you... lube those tits up a little

bit for me please? Sure Ricky. Thanks, you're the best. Besides, the money's

not nearly as good. Whatever you say, dude. Don't judge. Christy...you ready

to make some magic? Ricky, what's my motivation? Motivation? I don't know. Like, why am I doing

what I'm doing? Yeah, I'm aware of what

motivation means, thanks. The phone isn't

even plugged in. Aren't people going to notice? You're right, dude. This is hard work. F*** you. Annnnnnd ACTION! [cell phone rings] (mouthing)

Sorry. Sorry. Hello?

Hello? Hello? Hey Marlene. Is she coming? Good to hear from you too. I'm doing fine

thanks for asking. I'm sorry Marlene. How are you? Well,yesterday in

Yoga, there was-- Is she coming? Well, it just so

happen you're in luck. I was able to convince

your lovely ex-fiance to join us on your

little camping trip. [mouthing words] Are you sure? I'm pretty sure. I'm staring at her right now. Does she look pretty? You know she does. How did you manage

to get her to come? Well, let's just say

that I have my ways. Thank you so much. Marlene...

I owe you. I owe you. No. No, you really don't. No, I really appreciate... Hello? Hello? [giggling] [] I don't understand how you

could be so mean to Jason. Renee? Jesus, you scared me. When you called you said something

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