Dark Rising: Bring Your Battle Axe Page #2

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about weird dreams that you were having. Nightmares. The same ones over

and over again. For how long? Well... Ever since I've

been coming here. Please, describe

your dream. Well... I'm strapped to a table

and there are these weird... Things. I can't really explain it. But they're watching me. And they're doing

these tests on me. What kind of tests? Sounds like an

S&M dream to me. That's hot. It felt so real. Is there anything else you can

remember about your dream? Any details about

your surroundings? Anything at all... No. I'm sorry... What do you

suppose it means? Why is it

happening to me? Renee, when you first

came into this store, I could see there was

something special about you. You're in touch

with an energy, a spirituality

if you will.. I don't know how

to say this... But there are some

people, like you, who are windows to the

infinite possibilities. And there are others... ...who are more like doors. Thick and wooden doors. Do you think I'm tapped

into another world? Maybe. Or it could be nothing

more than a dream. But it seemed so real. I did say that the dark arts

shouldn't be taken lightly. Maybe you're just not ready

for this level of magiks. Maybe we should scale back-- No, I know I'm ready

for the next step... Trust me I'm ready. I'm sure I'm ready. Listen... Remember that place you

were telling me about. Well, we'd like

to try a seance. That girl that went

missing years ago... Her name was Summer. Well, we'd like to

try and contact her. Any suggestions? Renee... I'm ready. Big book. Top shelf. But Renee... You gotta be careful. Contacting the

other side-- Thanks. You've always been

a great teacher... God Renee, why are

we even doing here? Everything's so

goddamn old. We're in a used

bookstore Jasmine. What do you expect? I don't

get it. Can't you get

something new? If you want the goods you've got to get

the real-deal. I'm too short. I got it. Just reach up here. Stop it. Aren't you guys

taking this new age lesbian witch

thing a bit too far? I'm bi. Since when? Since two weeks ago. What can I say? I'm a witch. More like a sexy

b*tch if you ask me. 'Cause that's the

way you like me. Hey, wait... It has an inscription. "To my dearest, Vincent. Yours forever, Maria." How sweet. Yeah. Ain't love grand. They're probably

divorced by now. Nice, Jasmine. Nice. Sixteen-fifty please. Renee, listen... Your friends think

you're playing a game, these aren't toys... If you're not careful, you're all in for a whole

different world of hurt. If this book is as

dangerous as you say it is, then why the hell are

you selling it to us? I need the money. Oh, and my life to you is

worth sixteen dollars? Whatever, old man. Actually I said you

were all in danger. That works out to

five dollars a piece. [giggling] Oh... the map. I almost forgot. I'm going to need a map

to get to this place. There you go. So this place... It has a lot of energy to it. Powerful energy. You'll feel it.

I guarantee it. Perfect. Thanks. No... Thank you. [indistinct voices] VOICE: She has reacted well

to our initial tests. The isotopes are

integrating with her DNA. Shall I continue? VOICE: Do it. [] [] I've got a good feeling

about this, buddy... [tuning radio] Just pick a station! Just need a moment

alone with her. Get things back on track. Are you sure you're

reading her right? I mean, I think she

made it pretty clear. We've been through

hell and back together. You mean high school? We can get through this too. If you say so. [] Yeehoo! [] [] Does he even suspect? Not even a little. You are sooooo evil. Oh yeah. Oh Jason... Oh yeah! Oh, you're so good! Yeah! Don't stop! Right there! Oh! Jason! [] Please don't let

there be bears. Please don't let

there be bears. What do you think

you're doing? I was going to go

talk to Jasmine. No you weren't. -I wasn't?

-No. What you're going to do

is give her some time and let things

happen naturally. Naturally. Yeah... That sounds good,

all right. Yeah. When the

time is right. Okay,

thanks Marlene. I appreciate it. Hey. Naturally. [indistinct noises] [water dripping throughout] [chains clanging] [mechanical noises] [heavy door shuts] VOICE:

The test begins now. [siren starts] [animal growling] [woman screaming] [] [] Hey!

Lover Boy! A little help! Sorry. Sorry. If you stare any harder you're going to burn a

hole right through her. Is it that obvious? She doesn't deserve you. You know

that, right? Does anyone

deserve anything? BOTH: Yes! You treated this

girl like gold. No p*ssy can

be that good. No offense. High school

sweethearts, Rick. My parents were high

school sweethearts and they made

it work. Why should it be any

different with us? I know we can

make this work. I love her. And that's all

that matters. And what if she

doesn't love you? Pass me that

spike, Rick? Are you guys

almost done? When are we

going to party? Pass me a beer. Thanks. Cheers. [] [] [] Do you think they

are watching? Of course. Help me out. Dude. [] I know. No. You don't know. You put a telephone

in her hand and a 900 number

across her ass... We make billions. 'Ricky get off me,

I can't breathe...' ...and she said 'are you sure that's

not a telephone in your pants?' And I was like... no way, baby. That's all Ricky! That's all Ricky

right there! [laughter] I don't believe

that... You don't

believe it? That's crazy. It's the truth. I swear to God

it's the truth. Damn that's funny. Good times. Good times. So, I'm not the only one,

who else has got a story? I do. You got one

boy-scout? Yeah, I've got an

embarrassing story. Let's hear it. I'll try my best. Jasmine, you might

remember this one. It's when

Jasmine was staying at her all girl

residency... Jason... No! Sounds juicy! And she wasn't allowed

to have guests... let alone a male guest

wandering the halls un-escorted... On this particular morning Jasmine had

gone to class already and she locked me in the

room, alone, obviously. And do you ever have

one of those mornings where you've got to go to

the bathroom really bad? Really bad. Well, this was one

of those mornings. And uh... I didn't want to

get her in trouble and try and get

out of the room and wander the halls,

she's going to get in trouble. So what do I do? I grab an empty

plastic water bottle. Oh snap!

You didn't. I did, dude, and that's

not the half of it. I mean, I had the

morning wood as well. So, there I am,

strategically placing the head of my penis into this water bottle, and I start pissing. And I think I'm in

the free and clear and I've got this thing beat but then, all of a sudden,

my hand starts burning because my piss is so hot. I'm sitting there going

[high-pitched shreik] ...like,

and the water bottle... my piss is so hot... that the, the... plastic of the water bottle...

is like, melting... So there I am...

[shreiking noise] And I don't want to drop it because I'll get piss

all over Jasmine's floor, right? [laughing, words unclear] Come on! What? That's gross. Dude... Don't ever tell

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