Date Movie

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Idiot. Hell, no, I won't marry you. Gosh!

What would you do if you

were in a situation like this?

Gosh! Gosh! Gosh!

Gosh!

Dear diary, I had that nightmare again.

I fear I'll never get married.

Maybe I am destined to be

a sad old spinster...

whose only companionship

comes from an absurd amount of cats.

No, that won't be me.

I believe in true love.

My knight in shining armor

is out there somewhere...

and I'm gonna find him.

Ooh. Mmm.

Oh, sh*t.

Ow.

Ow.

- Opah!

- Hi, Dad.

Look here, Julia.

When you gonna find a man and get married?

You lookin' old, fat and saggy.

And that mole on your forearm,

it's growing a mole.

Let's put some hummus on it.

It cures everything.

Baby, you gotta find a man.

In our race to protect

our Greek heritage-

Yes, yes, yes.

And my heritage too.

Let us not forget

you are also one-half Indian.

- Your mother's right.

- Big sister, we also Japanese.

- And Jewish.

- So you're telling me...

I have to marry a guy

who's a Greek Indian Japanese Jew?

Baby, you're actin' like that's hard to find.

Look around.

They everywhere.

Nicky. Nicky!

You're Greek, right?

Yeah. And Indian

and Japanese and a Jew.

Huh? You wanna

go out with my daughter?

Nah. I don't like redheads.

Sorry.

Dad, I know I'm no beauty,

but I'm not gonna settle.

I respect our heritage,

but I believe love is blind.

Somewhere out there is my true love.

No! Back to work.

Coffee?

- More coffee?

- Excellent.

Jolly good.

I quite fancy some...

more coffee, actually.

Pick up.

- Pick up! Pick up!

- Okay.

- Pick up!

- I'm coming.

Oh, hell, no!

- You're Hitch?

- You got a problem with that?

Please, I'm desperate.

Even I can't help you,

and I found Star Jones a husband.

Aw, sh*t.

Come on in.

Thanks for seeing me.

I heard you're the best.

You're goddamn right I'm the best.

Look at all the couples I'm responsible for.

You got Brad and Jen...

Jessica and Nick,

Ben and Gwyn...

Ben and Jen, Ben and Jen...

Ben and Matt,

Whitney and Bobby...

Kobe and Shaq,

Ellen and Anne.

Yeah, I do them too.

Well, there's this guy

at the diner where I work.

- We had this... moment.

- What happened?

I turned around, and he was gone.

He probably got a good look

at your mug and ran.

Why don't we broaden the search

from that one guy to just any nigga?

- Okay.

- Eight out of ten guys believe...

the first kiss will tell them everything

they need to know about a relationship.

So before we get started,

let's see what you got.

Ooh, stinky. You got the dragon.

You got a little somethin' in there.

A whole wing?

Extra crispy? Goddamn!

Good gracious!

Off of me, trick!

What, are you hungry?

I'm hopeless.

I'm never gonna meet

my Prince Charming.

I got it!

A reality dating show?

Says here you can meet

the man of your dreams.

It also says you have to be beautiful.

Well, you're beautiful-ish.

Oh, come on, Hitch.

The only way I could get on that show

is if you magically turn me into a princess.

Let's roll.

Let's roll.

Yo, fellas!

Time to pimp her out.

Mm-mm-mm.

Oh.

Hey! Hey!

Yeah!

Whoa!

You're officially pimped out.

All right, girl.

Now you're good to go.

Ladies, good evening,

and welcome to...

The Extreme Bachelor:

Desperate Edition.

By the end of tonight's episode,

one of you lucky ladies...

will be chosen by the bachelor

to go on a dream date.

- So let's meet him.

He's a doctor with a 12-inch cock.

Ladies, may I introduce the bachelor.

- Hi. Lovely to meet you.

- Hi.

- Hello. I'm Grant. Hi.

- Hi.

- I'm Grant.

- Hi, Grant.

Nice to meet you.

- I'm Julia.

- Pleasure.

Now, Grant, the elimination round.

Essentially nixing the girls

you don't want to bang.

Who's going to be eliminated?

Nice aim, Grant.

Good eye.

- Julia, will you accept this rose?

- Yes.

Guys, congratulations.

You have won a dinner for two

at A Restaurant.

A Restaurant!

Thanks!

Oh, yeah, that's it!

Oh, God!

Oh, yeah!

Yeah! Yeah.

Yes! Yes!

Yes!

Oh, yeah!

Oh, yes! Oh, yeah!

Yes! Yes! Yes!

Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes!

Yes! Yes! Yes!

Yes! Yes! Yes!

Yes! Yes! Y-Yes!

Oh, God. Whoo! God.

- So you're saying you do want the pork chops?

- Yes, please.

- Okay.

- I'll have what he's having.

So, tell me about you.

Oh, I'm just a waitress.

But I- I want to go to school

to be a pastry chef.

Oh, hi.

My name is Julia Jones.

And for my admissions essay,

I'm gonna show all of you at Harvard...

why I would make

an amazing pastry chef.

What a coincidence.

I love pie. I've got to take you

downtown for the best-

- Hummus pie?

- You've been there?

That's actually my recipe.

But-

But tell me more about you.

Like, what's your favorite love song?

- It's kind of corny.

- Oh, come on.

You're that waitress.

You've changed.

Well, I- I was- I was sort of goin' through-

through a phase.

I was downright ugly.

I don't remember you ever being ugly.

But I remember you.

I can't explain it, but...

when I'm with you,

I just feel so alive.

- Me too.

- I just wanna scream and shout and-

- Roll drunks?

- Huh?

Uh, Julia?

Come on!

Yes! Yes!

Yes!

Oh, yeah!

- That was... amazing.

- It sure was.

She faked it, Grant.

But I didn't.

Meow.

Meow.

Oh, no, no, no, no...

no, no...

no, no, no...

no, no, no, no, no!

No! No!

Ooh.

Hoo. It's tingly.

Grant, how would you feel

about meeting my parents?

- So, Grant, ever knock anyone up?

- Mom!

I want many grandkids, and how do I

know if hes shooting blanks or not?

Bathroom's down the hall.

Just leave the sample on the counter.

Oh, sorry.

That's Jinxers.

Taught him how to do that.

Julia told me your last name.

- How do you pronounce it?

- Just how it's spelled.

F-O-C-K-Y-E-R-D-O-D-E-R.

- Fockyerdoder?

- Mmm.

Mm-hmm.

Allergic to cats?

Uh, no, no.

I-I-I love cats.

In fact, growing up on a farm,

I once milked a cat.

I got nipples, Grant.

Can you milk me?

May I say that's an exquisite vase.

Ancient artifact, I presume.

That's actually an urn containing

the remains of Frank's mother.

- Well, I'm sure your mother...

would want to celebrate that

Julia finally applied to pastry school.

- What? School?

- Don't you want me to better myself?

No! I want you to work

at the diner until you die.

Grant was just kidding.

Right, Grant?

No!

No, no, no, no, no!

Mama!

- Mama!

- Grandma!

Jinxers. Jinxers, no.

Oh! Grandma Jones! Oh, God!

- No! Jinxers, stop it!

- Hey!

Jinxers! Jinxers, no!

Oh, no, no, Jinxers! No!

- Jinxers, no! No!

- Mama!

- Oh!

- Get off my mama! Stop humpin'!

Bad kitty! Please!

- Jinxers, no!

- Oh!

- I didn't teach him how to do that.

- Jinxers, bad cat!

Jinxers, no!

- Mama!

- That was a disaster.

- It wasn't that bad.

You desecrated my grandmother's remains,

and my father hates you.

Why didn't you tell your parents

about pastry school?

I'm working my way up to it.

- I'm just waiting for the right time.

- Julia, you're a grown woman.

If you haven't noticed,

my family is totally controlling.

- Whoo!

- They meddle in every aspect of my life.

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