Date Movie Page #2

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Not to mention,

no one in our family...

- has ever dated outside of our culture.

- He reminds me of Webster.

I just don't see how this

could work between us.

Look, so your family's difficult.

Whose isn't?

Until I met you, my life was boring.

- Oww!

- But you, you're smart...

and interesting and beautiful.

I just want to be with you.

Did you say I was beautiful?

- Come with me.

- Ooh-hoo!

It's just a little Jesus juice!

Whoo!

Where are you taking me?

- What are we-

- You'll see.

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God. Oh, my God.

Oh, my God.

Julia Jones, will you marry me?

Yes, Grant Fockyerdoder,

I will marry you.

How much will you give me for this?

No. No!

- Fifty bucks.

- Sh*t. That's it?

But it will destroy all evil!

Oh, screw off, wizard!

- Come on. Let's go get some wine coolers.

- And some hookers.

My precious!

Before you set the wedding date,

I wanted to meet your parents...

because, frankly, Fockyerdoder,

I don't know much about you.

I understand, homeboy.

I'll be watching you.

If you do anything

to corrupt my daughter-

You'll bring me down

to Chinatown?

Chinatown?

I'll take your b*tch ass to 134th Street...

bust you in the head with a pipe.

Hi, Little Jack.

How come you have Betty's baby?

She's at a swingers convention this weekend,

so we said we'd take care of him.

- Oh, how nice.

- And Betty's such a good mother.

She's teaching Little Jack

sign language.

Oh, I heard about this.

Real cutting-edge stuff.

That's right, Little Jack.

"Keep your pimp hand strong."

Right!

"The dealer pinched."

"What happens when someone

rats us out to the cops?"

"Shiv 'em in the kidney."

- "Beotch."

- His first word!

- Little Jack, what did you say?

- "Beotch."

Is that your dad?

- Uh-huh.

- Figures.

Ha!

Grant! Ha! My boy!

Good to see ya.

This is my fiance Julia,

and her parents, Linda and Frank.

Bernie Fockyerdoder.

Pleased to meet all of ya.

Frank, give me some sugar.

Put her there!

- All right, all right.

- And this must be your little girl.

- No, that's my wife.

- Wife? So young, so pretty.

And you must be Julia.

What a beautiful moment this is.

So beautiful.

Just beautiful.

- Mmm! Mmm! Mmm!

- Oh!

- Dad. Dad.

- Mmm! Mmm!

- What? We're all family now.

- I'll just go get the luggage.

So what was that

you were doin' back there?

Oh, I was just practicing capoeira.

- Capo-what?

- Capoeira...

the Brazilian martial art

of dance fighting.

- Beotch.

- I've been doing it for weeks.

It keeps me level.

Ah!

Come on.

Let's go meet Roz.

Roz!

You're gonna love her.

Everybody, this is Roz.

Oh! I've been kvelling to meet...

this meshuggener goyim shiksa all day!

Oh!

Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh!

So, Grant tells me

you're a doctor.

Uh, I'm a sex therapist.

I specialize in teenage impotency.

- Who's thirsty?

- Mom, no.

Oh, Grantulla's just embarrassed because

he lost his virginity to the housekeeper.

Hey, Eduardo.

Thanks, Eduardo.

Ah!

So, is it Harry?

- Is what hairy?

- Your name.

- No, no, it's Bernie.

- Oh, no, but it is hairy.

- What are you talking about?

- I mean, picture this with four pounds of hair.

Oh, stop.

So, when's the big date?

Well, we wanted a long engagement...

so we're getting married this Sunday.

Oh, hell, no.

I'm not paying for that wedding.

Aw, don't have a conniption, bubbellah.

We'll pay for it.

Of course! What?

I got a great wedding planner.

You'll meet her tomorrow morning.

Let's have a toast.

- To great big matzo balls! L 'Chaim!

- L 'Chaim.

I- I couldn't be happier.

Thanks, Dad.

Because Nicky

has agreed to marry you.

- Nicky.

- Yeah. Good job.

Lookin' good. Nice.

- Dad?

- Hmm?

My whole life, I've had this dream...

that a prince would someday

come and rescue me.

Grant is that guy.

He's my prince,

and he's the one I'm gonna marry.

No, you'll never marry Grant.

I don't trust him.

You'll marry Nicky.

Thinkin' about the honeymoon

makes my sac all quivery and sh*t.

Wow. You seem tense.

- When was the last time

you and Frank were intimate?

- It's been a while.

Whoo! It sure has.

Well, I could show you a few tricks,

spice things up again.

- Like what?

- Like a dirty Sanchez.

Like a-

Oh, I don't know.

- Or the Arabian goggles.

- Ohh!

Or what about a troll's foot?

Where you don't clip your toenails

for eight weeks...

and then you jab it up his ass!

Or a Mexican blowtorch...

where you take a cotton swab, you dip it

in alcohol, put it on the top of his dick...

and then you light it on fire.

Is that all you got, Fockyerdoder?

Hold on.

- How do you think it's going?

- I think it's going really well.

- You do?

- Yeah. Everyone's getting along famously.

Even our dads are hitting it off.

- You might want to put your shirt back on.

- Nah.

Oh, man.

The wedding planner will see you now.

I'm Jell-O. Fockyerdoder?

Please, have a seat.

Now, I'm here to plan

your dream wedding.

So, tell me what you want.

Well, uh, we want

a traditional wedding.

Something simple, yet elegant.

Yo, I know exactly the place.

Muy romntico.

Think outside my buns.

It's... not quite

what we had in mind.

That's the best I can do

on short notice.

You got to book the caterer,

pick a piata, choose your best man.

Oh, I've already taken care of that.

- My best mate Andy flew in this morning.

- Andy?

Yeah, we'll meet up at the hotel later.

- I think you two will hit it off tremendously.

- I can't wait.

And I can't wait till you see

who I booked for the entertainment.

No!

So, where is this best man of yours?

Andy!

Andy's not a guy?

A guy?

Heavens, no.

It's great we've remained so close,

even after the engagement fell through.

You two were engaged?

Ages ago. It was more physical

than anything, really.

Just constant...

mind-blowing, porno-grade sex.

Sex.

- It's easy to see

- Sex.

Sex, sex, sex...

sex, sex, sex...

sex, sex, sex, sex, sex, sex,

sex, sex, sex, sex, sex, sex.

S-So, you realized

it- it just wasn't right?

Well, she realized it wasn't right.

She dumped me.

Just wasn't ready to settle down.

Why is she in slow motion?

- She likes to make an entrance.

- Grant!

Oh!

This is Julia.

Mmm!

Oh, I have heard

so much about you.

Now, Grant told me

how attractive you were...

but he never mentioned

you were flat-chested.

How cute.

Excuse me while I get out

of these wet clothes.

- So, how did you two meet?

- We were in Beverly Hills.

I'll give you two grand

if I can f*** you in the ass.

- Sounds quite reasonable.

- Okay, this is just too weird.

Can we dissolve back now?

And so, eventually, you got engaged...

and then you broke up ages ago.

Sure, if you call three weeks

ages ago.

You were engaged to her

three weeks ago?

Honestly, Julia...

you have nothing

to be jealous about.

Just because I see Grant with another woman

doesn't mean I want him back.

Finger sandwich?

Okay, I'll go first.

Okay, I'll go first.

Let me say we don't

really need to be here.

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