Dead Story

1

- In December 1914,

a series of horrific

murders were committed

at a remote ranch.

Police were never able

to identify a suspect.

In December 1944, again,

a series of horrific

murders occurred

at the same remote ranch.

Again, police were never

able to identify a suspect.

In December 1994, again,

a series of gruesome murders

took place at the same ranch.

And once again,

police were never able

to identify a suspect.

- Harold!

Harold, please!

Harold!

It's so peaceful way out here.

- Yeah, maybe

that's why it was so

inexpensive.

Honestly, I can't believe

this house was on the market

for over five years.

- Maybe it was just waiting.

For us.

- Yeah.

Yeah, I like that.

Hey, with all the

money we saved up

we should probably

knock out that barn.

Or like, build like a

shop or a greenhouse.

- Oh yeah.

A greenhouse sounds nice.

- Hey, you know what

else would be nice?

If Neil and Emma actually

showed up on time for once.

Just for once.

They were supposed to

be here two hours ago.

- Well, uh,

maybe we could go check out

the inside while we wait.

- Yeah, let's do that.

So...

About this furniture.

- What about this furniture?

- Maybe we can sell all

of it on Craigslist,

make some money and buy

some different furniture?

- Aw, I think it fits.

- Yeah, I think it'd

fit for somebody.

I don't think it

fits for us though.

- No, it adds to the

whole country charm.

- Yeah well, I bought this place

'cause you wanted to

be in the country.

Even though it added

an hour to my commute.

- Neil said it was

only thirty minutes.

- Well, Neil is thirty

minutes closer to the office.

- You sound just like Martha.

- When are you gonna

start calling my mom mom?

- Whenever she stops treating

me like Satan incarnate.

- She does not, she

treat you like...

- really?

She told me I was poisoning you.

- That's because you didn't know

I was allergic to shellfish.

- No, it was before that.

- Can we not talk about my mom?

- Um, hey.

- Hey.

- Hey, yeah, sorry we're late.

It's Neil's fault.

- What, my fault?

- Yes honey, I told you that

the truck would be ready

two hours ago but you said no.

- Yeah, well looks like

we timed this just right.

Otherwise.

- Alright man, you and me

on box patrol and girl time.

What's up, man, love you.

Boxes are right there.

- Over here?

- Yeah, yeah.

- Dude, you know this house

is wicked old.

- Yeah, tell me about it.

- You know...

You ever heard the story?

- No, what story?

- Neil, not tonight, okay?

I mean, they're just moving...

- there's no story.

- Oh, there's a story.

It was back in 1969.

Or '79, no 1969, yeah.

Their names?

Their names were

George and Martha.

- Neil can never

get the names right.

- Yeah, yeah, yeah, no, no.

Their names were Abe and Mary.

Abe and Mary Lincoln.

Abe and Mary Johnson,

I'm positive.

- Okay, really Neil,

I don't think that Anne

and Harold are in the mood

to hear one of

your ghost stories.

- It's not a ghost story.

It's...

It's a dead story.

It's the type of

story that'll get you

dead.

- Ooh.

- Anyways, I don't know

all of the details.

- He doesn't know

any of the details.

- But they say that one

morning at like 2:00 am,

that's the bewitching

hour and all.

You mean 12:
00 am.

- Uh, Harold, you mind

if I tell the story?

Thanks, bud.

Anyways, it's 2:
00 am

because that's when

Jesus was killed or

something like that.

- Resurrected.

- Whatever.

But one morning Mary

wakes up at 2:
00 am

and just rolls over in bed

and plunges a butcher knife

straight into Abe's chest.

For no reason.

A few days later, when

the sheriff shows up,

he found good ol' Abe just

a-swinging in the barn.

All the while, good

ol' Mary's just sitting

in the front lawn just

catching some rays.

She was covered with blood but

it was like she didn't

even know what happened.

And here's the kicker.

When the sheriff asked

her why she did it,

she paused and said,

"I didn't do it.

"The ghost killed him."

The ghost.

She said the ghost

of this house.

Good old Mary gave Abe 40

whacks!

Ho ho, but they never could

find the murder weapon.

Who the hell's that?

- Mom.

- I hope I'm not intruding

but I knew this was

your first night.

- No, come in.

- Well, I am intruding.

Well, just for a moment.

- Hi.

- It was such a long drive.

- You remember Neil and Emma.

- Well, I might be old

but I'm not senile.

They were at your wedding.

I see that you have

prepared a delicious meal

for your guests.

You might want to save

this for another night.

- Okay.

- I see that you have

drank the cheap stuff.

Well...

I will talk to you tomorrow.

It's good to see

all of you again.

- You too.

- I want the best

for you, my son.

It's the way of the world

that sons just don't

listen to their mothers anymore.

Goodnight, goodnight everyone.

- God.

Wow.

Well, who needs ghost

stories when you've got her.

- Enough.

- She's unbearable, man.

- So Harold, Anne tells

me that you're starting

a new project at

working or something?

- Yeah, it's...

Well, it's not that

big of a deal but

it's a promotion and

a little more pay.

A lot more hours.

But it's good.

- Neil, no more, okay?

We really should be going.

- Honey, you're the

designated driver, remember?

- Oh yeah.

- Maybe you two

should just spend the night.

- What?

In some house where some

angry wife killed her husband?

- A story you made

up, by the way.

- It's a true story

and it happened here.

- That's okay.

I haven't unpacked the

butcher knives yet.

- Psycho.

- Why did Emma marry that guy?

He's such a jerk.

- Hey, why did you marry me?

I mean, I'm sure

your mother gave you

an extensive list

detailing the reasons

why you shouldn't

marry me and...

- Anne, stop it.

You gotta get these ideas

of her not liking you

out of your head.

She knows I love you.

Because of that,

she loves you.

You just gotta try harder.

- Me?

You want me to try harder?

- Mhm.

- Harold, your mom hates me.

And the reason why we moved

here is because of your mom.

- You picked this house.

You wanted this house.

- Yeah, to get away from her.

I'm sorry, I'm sorry.

I don't want to fight.

This is our first

night in our new house.

Please?

- Okay.

- So our first night in the

new house and all we have is.

- Neil's story.

- Yeah.

- Is is true?

Was somebody actually

killed in this house?

In this bed?

- No.

No.

I even checked the

public service records.

There's nothing.

It's just a story.

Okay?

- Okay.

- Okay.

- Okay.

- I'm just really sick

of you making my friends

feel so uncomfortable.

- Babe, it was just a joke.

- Well, it was a bad joke.

- Well, whatever,

why would I care?

- You know, if

you need anything.

- I know, you're

just a few minutes away.

- Yeah, well when we

get back from Maui.

Well, thank you.

- Oh, no problem.

- God, it's about freakin' time.

- I have to get to the office.

The commute, it's gonna

be a long day, long night.

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