Deadpool 2

---

2

F*** Wolverine.

First, he rides my coattails

with the R rating.

Then the hairy motherf***er

ups the ante by dying.

What a dick.

Well, guess what, Wolvie?

I'm dying in this one, too.

To understand

why I took a cat-nap

on 1,200 gallons

of high-test fuel...

I need to take you back

to the dewy slopes

of six weeks ago.

I'd gone international,

taking out mass murderers,

gangsters,

unspeakable monsters.

People nobody would touch.

Except me.

I'm gonna touch them all over.

Hey, it's Gail calling.

Love the shiny suit.

Really brings out

the sex trafficker in your eyes.

I don't

speak Cantonese, Mister...

Well, I'm not even gonna

attempt that.

But I did take

8th grade Spanish, so...

Which literally translates to...

I don't bargain, pumpkin f***er.

Uno, dos, tres, cuatro...

I'll take

a cranberry-grapefruit vodka.

I know it's called a Sea Breeze.

Don't make me say it.

Hit it, Dolly.

Taking the hands out

of the guns of the criminals!

Whoo! Do not go in there!

Oh, God! Oh, God, time out!

Time out!

Cut. Got bad guy blood,

right in my open eye.

Oh, that's so gross.

F***.

Scoutmaster Kevin?

Too exotic?

My world tour brought me home

to this guy, Sergei Valishnikov.

But we'll get to him

in a moment.

'Cause I know

what you're thinking.

"I'm so glad

I left the kiddos at home."

But that's where you'd be wrong.

That babysitter of yours

is high as f*** right now...

and, believe it or not,

Deadpool 2 is a family film.

True story.

And every good family film

starts with a vicious murder.

Bambi, The Lion King, Saw 7.

Holy sh*t pickles!

That guy's on fire.

That's not CGI, folks.

He's actually on fire.

Yeah. You know I get paid

to take out bad guys, right?

But this guy?

He was one of the worst of 'em.

Hurry up and open

this f***ing door,

and let's kill

this motherf***er!

Ugh. So gross.

A panic room? Really?

Can you come out?

I really have to go.

It's my anniversary.

Over and over,

I hear people say,

"I just don't have

enough confidence."

Listen, confidence is not

something you have.

It's something you create.

And you can create it

at any moment in time.

A sense of confidence is nothing

but a sense of power

within yourself...

a sense of certainty that

you can pull something off.

Start the car!

Start the f***ing car!

Dopinder!

Start the f***ing car!

- Whoo!

- Oh, I sh*t my pants.

Actually, that may have been me.

Oh, mission accomplished?

Well, in a George W.

Sort of way.

F***er can't stay

in a panic room forever.

Oh, you're living

the dreams, DP.

It has been

quite the run, Dopinder,

and who'da thought?

Now I'm talked about in the

same sentence as Jesus.

Passion of the Christ, then me.

At least domestically.

We beat them overseas,

where there's no such thing

as religion.

I do want to live the dreams,

Pool Boy.

Taxiing is not as sexy

as it looks.

- I want to fill my...

- Pockets?

What's your poison?

A little, uh, cokey cokey?

Can't maintain an erection

without buying shoes online?

I've never experienced

that last one.

Talk to me, Goose.

I was going to say "soul".

I want to fill my soul.

I want to belong to something,

like you, Pool, sir.

- Dopinder...

- Hmm?

You never cease to surprise me.

You know, the depth of

your heart is extraordinary.

We all need

a sense of belonging.

We all need

a genuine sense of home.

A place in this world.

I want to become

a contract killer.

I'm sorry. What did you say?

Remember when I kidnapped Bandhu

and threatened him

with great violence?

You kind of killed him.

And then remember the movie

Interview with the Vampire?

Don't want to.

When Tom Cruise fed

10-year-old Kirsten Dunst blood

for the first time...

and she looked up at his smooth,

handsome face and said...

"I want some more."

Oh, Pool, picture me,

a 10-year-old Kirsten Dunst.

I'll never not picture that.

But I can't wait

to never speak of this,

as soon as possible.

We're here.

You're my Tom Cruise!

And you're my Kristen Dunst!

Kristen? Kirsten?

Sorry I'm late.

There was a bunch of

handicapable children

stuck in a tree...

- and I had to, uh...

- Uh-uh.

You're right.

I was fighting a caped badass.

But then we discovered

his mom is named Martha, too.

No.

Traffic?

Hmm?

Kiss me like you miss me, Red.

Well, come here.

I'm gonna shower

and get out of this suit.

Don't you want your surprise?

Do I look like

a patient burn victim?

I got one for you, too.

Happy anniversary, baby.

Open, open, open.

Skee-Ball token.

Our first date.

Yup.

That's genuine, high-grade lead.

I'll keep it forever.

Thank you, baby.

- Open yours.

- All right, all right.

Oh...

That's just the most

beautiful thing that I've...

I don't know what this is.

My IUD.

A bomb?

No, dick for brains.

My birth control device.

What, you mean that your...

Baby factory's open

for business.

Oh, my God!

Oh, my God! I want a boy!

Or a little girl!

Definitely one or the other!

Oh! And I want our kid

to have only one name.

Like Cher or Todd.

You gotta pump a baby

in me first, cowboy.

Yes, I do.

Let's watch some porn

and show that bed who's boss.

Let's do that.

Papa...

Can you hear me?

Papa, can you see me?

Does this song

sound familiar to you?

May.

Connor, if it's a boy.

May, if it's a girl.

So weird.

Family was always

an F-word to me.

My pile of sh*t father

took off and bailed.

I mean, it's not like I have

a lot of strong role models

to draw off of for Todd.

Hey. Look at me.

You are not your father.

Besides...

I will never, ever

let our child be named Todd.

But here's the thing,

isn't that how it always works?

Like in Star Wars,

men are destined

to become their father...

and then have consensual sex

with their sister?

I think you missed

big, big chunks of that movie.

No, I'm pretty sure

Luke nailed her.

Baby, that's Empire.

The point is, kids...

they give us a chance

to be better than we are.

Better than we used to be.

You're a lot smarter

than I look.

I'm gonna go make dessert.

You get the strap-on.

Let's make a super baby.

Pretty sure it doesn't work

that way, but we can try.

What about Krystal?

But with a "K"?

It's too stripper-y.

Kevin with a "K"!

No, too stripper-y, too.

Uh, Earl!

He's gonna go straight to jail

if we name him Earl.

What about Bruce?

No.

Get down.

What?

Baby? Baby?

I'm okay.

Thank God I didn't have to use

the cream cheese spreader.

Please.

Please. Please.

Baby, I'm so sorry.

No!

Papa, can you hear me?

Is it just me, or does

Do You Want to Build

a Snowman? from Frozen...

sound suspiciously like

Papa, Can You Hear Me?

From Yentl?

Papa, can you hear me?

And nobody f***ing realizes it.

Go home. You've been here

for three days, okay?

You smell like somebody sh*t

in a Civil War wound...

after it had become gangrenous.

They should've just

amputated it. Why sh*t in it?

Doesn't make any sense.

I love Frozen.

I loved her. I loved her

like an ocean loves water.

Rate this script:3.7 / 3 votes