Dean Page #8

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from all the heaviness

in my life.

I hope that makes sense.

I just have a lot

I still need to deal with.

Maybe we both do.

I hope you find

what you're looking for.

Let me know when you do.

Maybe we'll be on

the same road by then.

Either way,

I'm still glad I met you.

Take care of yourself, Nicky.

I just don't know

what you're doing.

What am I supposed to be doing?

I just took a trip,

and now I'm here.

Even when you're here,

you're not here.

Wherever you are,

I need you to come back.

Okay, um, to where?

Should I come home maybe?

Oh, I forgot.

You sold our house.

You sold mom's house while

I was away, so that's gone.

Oh, I see.

I get it.

I see the problem.

What exactly

did you want me to do?

Just go on living there alone?

No, I don't know

what I want you to do.

I just... I want to stop

living under this cloud.

I want to stop talking

about life and death

and how I'm not grieving right.

We're not helping each other,

so why don't we just stop?

Okay.

No, I think that

sounds very healthy.

I'm glad we had this talk.

Listen, I wanted to apologize

for my performance

at your wedding.

Oh, dude, stop.

No, I feel like I was a little

out of control there,

and seeing Michelle

kind of threw me,

and I don't know.

I'm sorry.

- Thanks.

- Don't worry about it.

- Hey, how's your dad doing?

- He's okay, I guess.

We don't talk much

these days, but,

you know,

he's got his therapist,

so I guess he's fine.

Yeah, I remember

after my dad died.

My whole family practically,

you know, disintegrated,

and I was just...

I think a year after

was somehow harder

than right after.

Yeah, definitely.

You know, people...

They don't think about it

when they see you,

don't ask how you're doing

or think that you might

actually feel worse now

than you did then.

You realize the world

just keeps on going.

It doesn't really care.

What about now?

I don't know.

I mean, it was so long ago now.

Sometimes I'll fantasize

about it, you know?

What would it be like

if he hadn't died?

We're never gonna

not miss them, you know?

First big thing in your life that

you're never gonna get over.

- It sucks.

- It sucks.

Yeah.

Look, man,

whatever's going on

with you and your dad,

just remember to go easy

on each other, okay?

You hungry?

- Not really.

- Yeah, me neither.

- Want to eat?

- Yeah.

Okay, let's go.

Next saved message.

Hey, honey, mom here.

I just got your message,

and I...

I just want to say don't worry.

Take a deep breath.

I know you can do it.

Oh, and don't forget to eat.

Okay, love you.

So have you met your neighbors?

No, not officially,

but, uh, a lot of

their dogs have,

uh, become acquainted

with my crotch.

I always liked that picture

of you and mom.

Yeah, me, too.

Nice view.

Yeah, yeah.

And if you put your cheek

against the window,

you can see central park.

Yeah, that's nice.

Yeah, leaves will be

changing soon.

Uh, dad,

I wanted to talk to you.

About the house?

No.

You were right.

I... I disappeared

there for a while.

It's okay.

You don't need to apologize.

No, I do.

I was running and I'm sorry.

I just...

You know, I think

about mom every day.

I'll pass that bookstore

where we used to meet up,

or smell her perfume, or just...

It's just...

She's everywhere, you know?

No matter what I do,

I just keep thinking

about her every day.

Even when I try not to.

So many things remind me

of her, and, uh...

Dad, I can't even imagine

what you've been going through.

- I'm sorry.

- It's okay.

- It's okay. I know. I know.

- It's okay.

- I'm sorry.

No. No, no.

Sit down.

I'm worried about you.

I know you are,

but don't worry about me.

I'm gonna be fine.

I'm not sure when,

but I'm sure I'm gonna be fine.

- Yeah.

- I miss your mom...

A lot.

That's not gonna stop,

but I can't tell you

how lucky I feel

that I got to be with her

as long as I did.

- Yeah.

- And how lucky I feel that we had you.

It's good to have you back.

Don't you disappear on me, okay?

I won't.

You, too.

- Oh, I'm not gonna disappear.

- Okay.

You know where to find me.

- I'm here. It's a deal.

- Okay.

And, um...

Let me share something with you.

Dear Eric,

I'm so sorry for your loss.

I know Nicholas

was more than a cat,

he was a good friend

and he offered you

great support.

Losing him probably feels like

losing a part of yourself.

I've been there.

In the coming months,

you might feel

more lost than you do now

and you might feel like

you need to run away

from all the heaviness

for a while.

Maybe you'll fly across

the country to escape the pain,

and maybe while you're away

your dad will go and sell

all of your cat furniture,

the last real link you thought

you had to Nicholas.

It might be hard

to understand now,

but maybe your dad did it

because he just needed

to do it to move forward.

I wish there was something

I could say

that would make you feel better,

but the hard truth

is that Nicholas is gone,

and there's nothing

that will bring him back.

Not old cat furniture,

personal belongings,

or even voice messages from him

that you've carefully saved.

Nothing can replace him,

but that doesn't mean

you won't be okay again.

You know, when you lose someone,

it can make you feel so alone...

But there's one thing

I've learned...

If you really love them,

you never lose them.

Especially if they had

a strong spirit.

Anyway, here's a copy

of my new book.

I can't say

it holds any answers,

but maybe it'll give you a laugh

and that's worth something.

Take care of yourself, buddy.

Your friend, Dean.

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