Dear Zindagi Page #8

---

Who has forced you

to continue being parents?

Has anyone forced you to?

You didn't start the job well in

the first place so why continue it...

just put an end to it!

When kids need you the most

you happily leave them and go

and then complain

about their tantrums...

'Oh how angry she gets, makes faces'

It was your idea to

bring us into the world...

you treated us the way you wanted...

and then you blame

us for how we behave...

and you say it's 'tough'...

What do you mean by 'tough?

Tough my foot!

How could you just abandon me?

How could you just do that?

How could you just do that?

How could you both leave me and go?

And the only reason you took me back

was because I failed the 2nd grade...

yes, I failed the 2nd grade!

Shame Shame!

Dumb Kaira failed the second grade!

Such an embarrassment for you...

that you left everything

and came back to India?

And when I was finally happy

living with my grandparents,

you dragged me away from there too

You separated me even from them

Yes

President's Award just for that!

And I have a fire cracking

news for you!

Actually a bomb!

Are you ready?

I have begun therapy!

Yes! I am seeing a 'Brain Doctor'

So feel free to call me crazy, mad

Please say it to me

right now say it to my face

Say it!

I'm crazy! 'Kukoooo

'Kaira's gone mad!'

That's what you think...

that people like me are crazy

She is a bit emotional right now...

she is also out of work

Dad, she has enough work

She has chosen not to work right now

Kiddo, go get her

Don't worry

Make her understand that...

once your parents moved back,

she never failed in school again...

so they took the right decision

There are all kinds of failures...

and I am looking at a few right now

You okay?

I don't know

Were you happy as a child?

I only remember being

happy once you came home

See this

Where did you find that?

I was looking for

something from my past...

and found something from ours instead

You know...

As children, when we are sad,

our elders tell us not to cry

When we are angry,

they tell us 'give us a smile'

You know why?

Just to keep the peace at home

When we wanted to hate

they didn't allow us...

so now when we want to love...

we suddenly find our whole

emotional system is topsy-turvy...

it cannot function

Sadness, anger, hate...

we were not allowed

to express anything...

so now, how do we express love'?

It's okay to be angry sometimes,

even with parents...

It's good, it's healthy...

it's okay Kaira...

They left me at my grandparents' house

Mom told me this was like a vacation,

that I would join them soon

Dad's export business

in Goa had failed...

so he went to Africa, Middle East

looking for business opportunities...

mom went with him

In the beginning I was happy

staying with my grandparents...

in their big old house in Vasco

I would write a letter

to mom and dad every week...

sometimes even twice a week

At that age, 'writing'

meant drawing some pictures...

trying to write some big words...

but every letter ended

with the same question...

'When will you come back?'

I was 5 years old...

every week I would drop my letters

in the mailbox with my grandad...

then I would wait for a letter

wait for an answer to my question...

but it never came

When they called once a month,

they had some excuse each time...

something about 'an address change, no

post office close by, feeling unwell' etc etc

but I still kept writing

And my grandad would keep

walking me to the mailbox...

he always said that I will

get my answer some day soon

Then, a year later

mom visited me in Goa...

with my new baby brother, Kiddo

I was jealous

Because he got to be with

mom all the time, and not me

then mom said that I would be away

from them for 'just a little longer'

so I was still fine with it...

I remember asking my

mom if she got my last letter

she said that it was so beautiful that

she put it up on the refrigerator...

so that she could see it every day

I was so happy...

I ran to my room so I could

write another letter for her...

so I could see her get

happy in front of my own eyes

A scene I had imagined

in my head many times

So I took out my colours and paints...

drew a picture and

ran to show it to her

As I was about to enter the room I

heard my grandad shouting at my mom...

he was telling her that what

she was doing was not right...

how could she not respond

to my question, to my letters...

and then, I heard my mom reply...

"I can't give her false hope...

the truth is that we can't

take her back just yet...

not until the business is set up...

It is too tough to

handle two children...

and travel constantly blah blah

But everything just seemed to...

fade away...

It was a strange feeling...

like someone had grabbed

the TV remote from me...

and changed the channel from something

I loved to something horrid...

and then threw out the remote

I went back to my room,

tore up the letter...

l was 6...

took a decision as a 6 year old...

that I had nothing more to

say to them, nothing more to ask...

I didn't write a letter

ever again in my entire life

Never

My poor grandad kept

trying to get me to write...

but I knew I had nothing

to say to my parents...

or to anyone else...

I just became quiet

I shut down

Then a year later my mom said

that they were coming back for good...

dad's friend had a business

partnership for him in Goa itself

In all these years, dad couldn't

set up his business abroad

So imagine, all this for nothing

So they came back

But that year was the

most stressful for me...

I didn't want to be with them

I wanted to stay with my grandparents

They were separating me from them too

I threw tantrums...

cried a lot, troubled everyone

To top it all,

I failed the 2nd grade...

and that, not my 100 letters...

not the fact that I was their

daughter living away from them

But my failure made them

take me away from my grandparents...

and back with them finally

I'm sorry

I'm sorry

If you don't cry wholeheartedly,

how will you laugh wholeheartedly?

It's okay...

I'm not much for rules...

but because of the rules...

I can't pop a champagne

bottle to celebrate this moment...

but we can do the next best thing

To letters, Kaira

Cheers!

Go easy...

To feel safe,

first the fears have to go

The fear of being abandoned,

of being left alone...

You have carried this

fear with you all your life...

this burden is falling on all your

relationships, especially on your love life

So you leave others

before they can leave you

You want to say bye

before they can say bye

Because you never want

to face that pain again

So, Kaira

Why not say bye to

this fear once and for all?

Why not say hi to life once again?

I am not saying that you

should forgive your parents...

or even to stop being angry...

you do as you wish

But I will say this...

try to look at them not in

the exalted status of parents...

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