Death At A Funeral Page #7

as soon as my advance comes in.

He picks today,

the day of our father's funeral.

And then on top of that,

he insults my book? No! No!

- But he got pictures.

- So what? I don't give a f*** what he's got.

He can show them to the world.

He can put them on Facebook for all I care.

Who the f*** does he think he is?

Fine. But this is on your head.

Whoa, whoa. Hold on.

Hold on now, hold on.

Okay, you need to back off.

- No, no, no. Let's discuss this for a minute.

- There is nothing to discuss.

- No, don't...

- I said back off, buddy!

You gonna bring a gat to a funeral?

Now, nobody got to get capped. Nobody...

- Get his gun! Get his gun!

- He ain't got no damn gun.

- You got any rope? Any duct tape?

- Hey, what do I look like, a serial killer?

I don't just keep rope and duct tape

in my pocket.

- I can't see nothing. There you go.

- Help! Help!

- Hey, use your tie!

- My tie, my tie?

- What the f*** am I gonna do with my tie?

- Stuff it in his mouth.

All right, first key... First key to war

is to cut off communication.

All right, now, grab that curtain thing.

Hurry up. Grab the curtain thing.

Tie his legs. Come on, Aaron, damn!

- Feel like I'm in a f***ing rodeo!

- Yeah, yeah. Okay, now get his hands. Sh*t.

God damn. Strong, ain't he?

Damn it, do I gotta do everything?

Everything but write a f***ing cheque!

You know what was in that cake?

What's going on? Who's that dude?

Norman, come in and shut the damn door.

Come on, Aaron, tie it.

- What's happening?

- He having a seizure.

- Damn!

- Yeah, yeah.

You know what?

I just found some Valium outside.

- You think this will calm him down?

- Good. Yeah, yeah, give him some.

- Okay. All right.

- Come on.

Put this jacket under his head

so he don't bite down

on his tongue.

I learned that procedure

at Boys and Girls High School.

- Come on.

- Here, buddy, this'll make you feel calm.

- Open up, open up.

- There you go.

- Right there. Yes, yes, baby.

- Open up, open up.

- Yeah.

- Look at that. You gonna be fine, my friend.

- Did you guys happen to see a little...

- Come, come in, Jeff, come in.

Norman, I told you to lock the damn door.

You said, "Shut the damn door," Ryan!

- What's... What's going on?

- He's having a seizure.

- Yeah. So, why is he all tied up?

- We don't want him to swallow his tongue.

No. That's part of the medical procedure.

Oh, God.

He's blackmailing you? Over what?

If I could tell you,

it wouldn't be blackmail, now, would it?

Hey, look, just trust us. He's the bad guy.

Okay? We'll explain it to you later.

Yeah, well, what are we gonna do with him?

Yeah, what are we gonna do, Ryan?

Now that you've jumped his ass?

- I don't know. Okay? You think, people.

- You're the big writer.

Why don't you write something

where we all live happily ever after?

- How long's that Valium gonna last?

- Valium? What... What Valium?

I found a bottle of Valium,

so we gave him a few,

thinking it would calm him down.

You gave him a few of these? Oh, sh*t.

- What?

- What?

See...

I just gave him a few Valium.

I found them on the ground outside.

All right, see, here's the story.

All right. Everybody calling

these little guys here Valium,

- they're wrong, 'cause it's not Valium.

- Yeah, and?

It's more like acid mixed with acid,

which is acid.

And Oscar took one earlier by mistake,

which is why he's been acting all crazy.

Jeff, what are you doing with that stuff?

I just whipped up a simple batch for a friend.

- What friend, Amy Winehouse?

- Wait. Wait a minute.

You telling us that Elaine's boyfriend,

old boy

who knocked over our father's coffin,

- only had one of those things?

- Yeah. One.

- Oh, sh*t.

- Sh*t's right.

- And you gave him how many?

- About four or five.

Four or five? Jesus, Norman!

That poor bastard.

- I thought they were Valium.

- Look, you at a ten, I need you at a two.

Jeff, I thought they were Valium.

- But five?

- Yes.

I mean, I wouldn't give somebody

five cough drops.

See, that's 'cause the wave cap is too tight.

Okay, okay,

maybe we should call an ambulance.

If anyone finds out

that this guy's been force-fed acid,

we could all be arrested. TMZ, here I come.

- Could he die?

- Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey!

- What?

- Could he die?

No! Crazy. Maybe.

A little bit. Possibly. It depends.

Aaron? Ryan, honey?

Are you in there, baby?

We need to get things started.

Ma, we'll be right out.

Okay, look, look, look.

We gotta go out there, okay?

We gotta buy some time

until we figure this out.

You two stay here and watch him.

What you mean, us stay here and watch...

Norman, just make sure

he doesn't escape, okay?

Just lock the door behind us.

This is all your fault.

You and your chemistry set, man.

- Ever since the ninth grade...

- Shut up, Norman.

Hey, Mom. How's it going?

Reverend Davis wants to talk

to the two of you.

- Aaron, where's your tie?

- I'm looking for it.

Now, look, I have been patient,

but I'm about done with patience.

If we don't resume this funeral pretty soon,

we gonna have to have a little conversation

about my compensation.

Sure. Could I get five more minutes?

Why are you making me

go through this again?

- Just hear me out, okay?

- Listen...

The only reason you won't go out with me

- is 'cause your dad likes me.

- No! Lt...

- Can you... Can I get some help, please?

- Good Lord, your skin's so supple...

- Can you stop that?

- Okay.

The real reason why I don't wanna go out

with you is because it was a mistake before.

We had a couple of intense months,

- but then I realised that we just...

- Not fair, not true. We had a lot of fun. We...

- I bought you a watch, right?

- Here.

- Why?

- Take it.

What about our first night together?

After Norman's party?

- That was amazing. Transcendent.

- I was so drunk.

You could've been a donkey for all I knew.

- Thank you.

- It's not a compliment, Derek! You know...

Go away. Go away.

You still think about me though, don't you?

Don't say anything.

What is wrong with him?

It's beautiful.

There's still no potato salad.

There's still no potato salad.

- Hey, Uncle Russell.

- Hey, hey.

No, you... That belongs to this lady.

You don't wanna eat that.

She don't need it. It's mine now.

What's your problem, son?

It's women.

Women are my problem, Uncle Russell.

No such thing as having a woman

without a problem.

- Right.

- Lf they didn't have problems,

- they wouldn't let us touch them.

- Right.

Yeah. Let me tell you something

about women.

Smarter than you think they are,

but not nearly as smart

as they think they are.

Sweet b*tches.

Yeah. I don't get it.

She acts like I don't exist.

I can't believe she doesn't feel the way I do.

- She's just playing hard to get.

- Right.

- She wants you to work for it a bit.

- Okay.

A woman wants a man who can control her.

- Yeah, you think so? Is that what it is?

- You walk up to her, and you shake her.

- Shake her?

- Yeah.

- You want me to shake her?

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