Death in Love Page #6

I have a girl in there under 30.

I've been trying to work up

the courage to return her gaze.

I want to make some eye contact,

but I'm just not ready yet.

You know, you are

way too overqualified

in, like, every single way,

to be doing

the bullshit you're doing.

You know what you said

in that acting class?

That wasn't tricks;

That was real.

And I... look, I know

I gave you some sh*t about it,

but it's because

I was kind of shocked.

You know, I wasn't expecting

to feel anything,

and you shook me up.

You're way to good

for this life.

And you're not?

When I was eight,

my dad split.

And my mom took my sister and me

to live in Vancouver,

where she got us hooked up

with the Mormon church.

Ah, Mormon.

No wonder

you pitch such a smooth line.

Yeah, we're natural salesmen.

We have the fastest growing

faith on the earth.

Anyways, from the moment

they got ahold of me,

they were telling me

that I was something special

and I was being groomed

for a high place in the church,

maybe to become

one of the 12 apostles,

maybe church president.

The sky's the limit.

Point is, God's eye was on me

every second of my life.

So I didn't drink,

I didn't smoke,

I didn't swear,

and no girls.

But you know,

I broke,

and I keep waiting for the sky

to fall on my head,

and every day it doesn't,

it's like I have to push things

a little bit further.

But the sky still doesn't fall.

And it just makes me

feel even worse.

It just makes me feel like

everything I knew is a lie.

Religion's just a con, man,

like everything else.

They zero in on the weak one

and make him work twice as hard.

You didn't break.

You're the strong one.

I had this rabbi

who ran the yeshive

I went to when I was a kid.

I was the only nonreligious kid

in my class.

I still, to this day,

have no idea

why my parents sent me there.

Anyway, this rabbi

would pull me aside

and tell me

that I was going to be

a great leader

of the Jewish people.

Me.

Me.

I didn't even believe in God.

It made me feel guilty

every goddamn day of my life.

Sure.

Heard about that.

About what?

Jewish guilt.

See, I resent it

every time I feel guilty,

which is all the time,

because guilt is supposed to be

something that Jews feel.

Yeah,

we own the original patent;

we just license it

to everyone else.

Well, I think the copyright's

expired at this point.

It's public domain.

I think it's time we moved on

to a new business model.

Yeah?

You got any bright ideas?

Maybe.

Maybe I do.

I have this friend from school.

He works at the FDC upstate.

Now, for 10 grand,

he can get me

a legitimate agency license.

No bond, no questions asked.

The only requirement

is an actual address.

Now, in the meantime,

I know of an eight-room suite

on Broadway

that I can get

from this landlord I know

for a pretty ridiculous rate.

How ridiculous?

50 grand.

50 grand

for eight rooms on Broadway?

Yes,

but it's got to be in cash,

and it's got to be up front.

Who is this guy,

another college buddy?

No, I never went to college.

I meant grade school.

But no.

This guy's just a guy

I do an occasional favor for.

What kind of favors?

Uh, you know,

nothing mysterious.

Some guys just need help when

it comes to the opposite sex,

even guys with money.

Now, I also know a couple

young agents working at the bigs

who are willing to jump ship

and bring

their clients with them

if I can demonstrate

I have a real setup,

which is what I'm trying to do.

But I'm living hand to mouth

right now.

This guy's not gonna

hold this place for me forever.

So you're gonna need cash.

Which is why you're

talking to the Jew, right?

Cash and experience

and talent.

You know, this could be

a real thing.

This could be step one

to having

a real agency

that represents real clients.

But these guys I'm talking

about, they're young too,

and I have a feeling

they're the type

who might jump ship

when the water gets rough.

I don't know

how much I trust them.

- And you trust me?

- I don't trust you either.

But this is something

we both want.

Hello.

Yes?

When?

Who was it?

Oh, it was just

someone asking questions.

The police?

That's not

why I'm telling you this.

I'm just telling you

I'm taking out a loan.

- On this apartment?

- Right.

What if this business thing

that you're talking about

doesn't work out

and you can't pay it back?

Well,

then they get to sell it,

but that won't be for a while.

And only if...

I'm moving

back to mom and dad's.

That's not

why I'm telling you this.

I'm just telling you this

in the interest of honesty.

I'm just... I'm saying that

while you can still stay here,

it might not be a bad idea

for you

to get your sh*t together,

in the event

it doesn't work out,

but...

I believe that it will.

But you should still

be in a position

to get your own place.

I can't live like this.

It's like a sword

hanging over my head.

I don't get it.

Should I not

have said anything to you?

Maybe not.

Maybe not.

Why?

So you can be spared

the realities

the rest of us have to deal with

every f***ing day?

Spared?

How am I being spared?

I carry the load for all of you.

For all your f***ing sins.

I carry the load

every f***ing day,

so don't tell me

I'm being spared.

What sins?

What are you talking about,

"sins"?

I'm going to mom and dad's.

Why? So you can torture mom?

How long

are you gonna do this for, huh?

How long are you gonna keep

torturing her?

You're the worst, man.

You're the f***ing worst.

At least I keep it at home,

where it belongs.

What about you?

You go out and torture women

who have never

done anything wrong to you.

So who's worse, huh?

Who's the f***ing worst?

I don't understand

this family.

I don't understand

how four people

that are supposed

to care about each other

can f*** everything up so badly.

I'm just taking out a loan.

Please don't leave.

This may be purgatory,

but it's better

than living in hell.

Please.

Promise me

you won't go back there.

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you look like

you're in a good mood...

Like you're in love?

Well, I guess

I wouldn't remember.

Spending a lot of time

with the new kid.

I wouldn't say a lot.

We hang out occasionally.

He's young.

In some ways, yeah.

He reminds me of you.

Oh, he reminds me

of who I wished I was.

Everything he does

is so effortless.

It's like he knows everything

without ever

having studied anything.

And what he doesn't know

doesn't really matter anyway.

And women are just

drawn to him naturally.

I mean,

he's not cocky about it either.

Everything comes so effortlessly

for him

that he actually creates

problems for himself

just so that he isn't indecent

in his own eyes

if in no one else's.

I don't know whether to be

pissed or happy

someone like him

actually exists.

Are you f***ing him?

Is he f***ing you?

Do you have to talk about it

like that?

Are you so lacking

in imagination...

Not so much that I can't tell

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