Decoys

Are they home?

Nobody home.

Let's go.

Hello?

Let me get that for you.

Oh, my God! Jesus!

Hey, that looks pretty good.

Cool.

What the hell is going on?

Ice Queen, baby!

Damn it, Javane, you're such a knob.

Remind me to take art next semester.

You might get burned.

You make my teeth sweat, girl.

You think Melody knows I'm a virgin?

Actually? Yeah.

It's freezing in here.

Someone left the window open.

I can't stand frigging smokers.

It's bad enough we gotta do laundry.

I'm not doing it at 30 below.

Beer?

- I gotta slow down, man, okay?

-You can slow down when you're dead.

Oh, yeah.

Hi, I'm Lilly.

And this is my cousin, Constance.

Sorry. I have an oral fixation.

May I?

We transferred from Bayside.

Our room's right down the hall from yours.

Number 1021.

How come I haven't seen you guys

around before?

We're pre-med. Different schedules.

So, what's your major?

I have no idea. I'm a freshman.

How completely adorable.

You want a lick?

There's a sorority party

happening tomorrow...

-and I was thinking maybe--

-We know.

Cool.

Maybe.

See you later, fresh-man.

Hello?

- I think he's kind of cute.

-Sure, if you like Elijah Wood.

When was the last time you actually

had a conversation with a guy...

and he didn't get distracted

by your cleavage?

Look you in the eye? Not if he can help it.

Up-down, up-down. Hello? Focus.

I'm up here.

Men back home,

they don't care about the flash.

It's what's inside that counts.

The men at home are dead.

These boys are ripe for picking.

It's amazing, the power of a low-cut top.

L, for one, am positively exhausted.

There's so much to do with so little time.

Do you want to go to bed?

Oh, yeah.

Will you do it for me again?

You know I want to.

Thanks. Much better.

You're welcome.

Honey, let's go see what Natasha's up to.

All right, whatever.

Who the man? I'm the man

Who the man? I'm the man

Go, Roger, tell me what you want to see

Dude, there's something I've got to tell you.

Dude, you're always busting me

to get a date.

Yeah, I got one.

I just met the two...

finest women in the world.

Blonde goddesses.

Constance and her cousin Lilly.

Presenting the babe bookends.

The hotter one just invited me

to their sorority rush party tomorrow night.

- I'm so in!

-Those blondes that you met, Rodge?

There's something seriously bent

about them.

Yeah! These are women, baby. Hot!

Goodbye 2-D. Hello 3-D.

Dude, Lilly, her chest burst open.

And then these black fleshy snakes

start whipping around.

And I'm telling you,

she's standing there, euphoric.

Just drinking in the spray

from this trippy aerosol can.

Then Bigfoot showed up?

I'm telling you.

I know it sounds insane, but it happened.

Yeah, it has nothing to do

with the five beers you powered down.

I was not wasted.

Okay, I'm telling you though,

something is seriously--

Luke, it's all right.

I want you to calm down, okay?

I want you to breathe. Okay, that's good.

What about the spray can?

- What about it?

-it had this little periodic symbol on it.

What, you mean like Prince?

The little symbol?

No, it was N2. Alex, what is N2?

- Liquid Nitrogen.

-it's hairspray.

What happens if it gets in your skin?

It can cause cryogenic burning

and the instantaneous freezing of tissue.

Was there anything else?

I don't think they had navels.

If you think that you saw something, Luke,

I believe you.

Okay, I'm having a party

and it's in a place called reality.

You're both invited.

Please shut up.

Nobody calls me Nathan.

It's Gibby, all right?

Okay.

What if they came here to take over SJC?

Trust me, I don't think St. John's College

is on the big alien radar.

- If only I could get a good look at it.

-At what?

The opening between her breasts.

What? No...

Look, there's a Cronenberg festival

at the Cross River Cinema tonight.

So let's just blow off

this whole Animal House thing, okay?

I've gotta find the truth.

It is off the hook, yo!

Oh, my man. What's up, baby?

Natasha's thinking about rushing Pi Omega.

- You'll fit right in.

-Thanks.

- Hi, guys.

-Hey, Mel.

Everybody, shooters!

Okay. Don't they look weird to you?

Do you mean the fact that

they're incredibly beautiful, toned...

and don't need an airbrush?

Yes, they're not normal. They're obvious.

Here's hoping they're dumb as a post.

They're pre-med.

Of course they are.

Hi. I'm not interrupting anything, am I?

No.

Want to get your groove on?

Sure.

Tick-tack.

I'm all yours.

Is that a fact?

"I'm all yours." "Is that a fact?"

Hey, you okay?

Sure, why wouldn't I be?

Well, you wanted to be one of the boys.

Now you are.

You're not helping, Melody.

How about a cocktail?

Good times.

Funniest thing.

What's that?

I forgot a roll of quarters

in the laundry room.

Quarters? Yeah?

And somehow they just seemed

to walk back to my room...

all by themselves.

Was it magic?

Or just a thoughtful neighbor?

Maybe.

Luke Callahan.

Where I'm from, we kiss hello.

Sisters, who are we?

Pi Beta Omega!

Pi Beta Omega!

Now, sisters and brothers,

it is my pleasure to introduce to you...

captain of the hockey team, Bobby Johnson!

Bobby, you rule!

Testing, testing.

"As this semester's Pi Guy...

"it gives me great pleasure...

"to name Pi Beta Omega's candidate...

"for Ice Queen.

"Pi Omega newbie, Miss Lilly Vincent!"

Fantastic!

Thanks, everybody, and thank you, Bobby.

I need a drink.

Give him a kiss!

Let's party!

- You a**hole!

-Sorry.

- This is angora!

-I'm really sorry.

I am never, ever, gonna forgive you!

Like, never!

- Loser!

-I can't believe this.

The truth hurts, don't it?

Why don't you get your own date, asswipe?

Come on.

- My mouth.

-Ginny!

- I'm sorry.

-incoming!

I'm sorry.

Stop!

Get lost, you p*ssy.

- Where are you going, man?

-I'm out of here.

Luke, wait up.

She got under your skin in a hurry.

I've never seen you react like that.

Well, you're not her.

- What happened? Are you okay?

-I thought she was different.

Well, good thing

you guys didn't have any kids.

No, it's easier this way. No messy divorce.

Let's go for a drive.

I've got to clear my head.

Okay. Shotgun.

I'm gonna go get my cell phone.

- I'll meet you in the parking lot.

- Don't leave without me.

I'm loving you, buddy.

Occupied, friend.

Keep your pants on. Somebody's in here.

Hi.

How are you doing? I'm okay.

I'll be out in one second, okay?

Or not.

Clumsy.

It's hot in here.

Yes, it is rather hot.

And it's about to get hotter.

Oh, God, no. Oh, no!

You're crazy. You're nuts. Please stop.

Constance, what are you doing?

You're crazy.

Stop. Okay.

Come on.

Come on, Bobby. This way.

Now you're talking, baby.

No, stop.

What's the problem, my dear?

It's just... That's a crazy birthmark.

Climbing aboard Flight 69.

Southbound for the region of...

Hello? Who's in there? Damn it.

Look, Constance,

I don't know how to put this...

delicately.

You're a woman of a certain experience.

Hello? Who's in there?

Constance, could you just, just one...

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