Decoys Page #2

Okay, gear down, big rig.

Look...

I'm a virgin.

Okay, look, it's...

I got a serious situation, you guys.

I just want my first time to be special,

you know?

Beautiful.

Romantic.

Not a rush job

on the floor of the Pi Omega shitter.

You really know how to talk to a woman.

- Come on, I'm dying out here!

-I want to have sex with you, Roger.

I don't want to frigging marry you. Move.

Oh, God.

Maybe it's just the battery.

That's the only new thing

on this piece of sh*t.

We don't have to go off campus to talk,

you know.

I know.

Look, sometimes women flirt

because they crave validation...

not because they want to get with you.

So you're saying Lilly is normal?

Take away the silicone, Botox,

and hair dye, yes.

She's just a girl.

Why get me so hot and bothered?

Sometimes it's genuine.

- What is it?

-I thought I heard...

It's nothing.

You know what? Forget it.

Let's call it. Game over.

Come on, give it up, baby. Come on.

Jesus, Rodge!

What?

Nothing.

That's the pepperoni.

Heard about your fight last night. Good.

Go for the kneecaps next time.

- There won't be a next time.

-That's what you said last time.

Dude, I'm not your mom or anything,

but shouldn't you go easy on the partying?

- Your heart could give out.

-Dude...

I've got these babies to keep it real, okay?

Don't you worry about it. It'll keep pumping,

and I'll do the humping, right?

What are we talking about?

- So?

-I'm still in the kiddie club.

No! What happened?

- I wanted to wait.

-For?

The right moment.

Man, you should go for it.

Really? Okay.

Hi, your attention, please.

All alien babes are free to roam

about the cabin. Feel free.

Funny.

You know, I don't really know

what I saw the other night.

When I was a kid, I believed

that something else existed, you know?

A unicorn in the forest,

a monster under the bed.

A hot alien with snake tits?

It probably was my imagination.

I was kind of hammered.

Hey, man, I'm sorry things didn't work out

with you and Lilly.

Whatever.

You get it.

Come in.

Luke Callahan?

- Amanda?

-Let's make this easy on both of us.

- Why didn't you call?

-Luke, I need you to come with me.

Detective Kirk needs to have

a few words with you.

Okay.

Give me a sec.

No way.

No way, you and her?

Mention it to anyone and you're a dead man.

Move those people back.

This is a crime scene, not a keg party.

You heard the man.

No indication of a struggle.

No obvious cause of death.

Anyone for a little ring toss?

Watts, take over.

- Holy sh*t!

-There's nothing holy about that sh*t.

Callahan, you come with me.

Come on, PUPPY-

I just saw him last night.

A couple of hours ago.

A lot of people saw him last night,

sports fan.

Bobby left the party with someone.

It looked like they were about to hook up.

Please, don't keep me in suspense.

Her name was Lilly Vincent.

Where were you last night, Luke?

- Me?

-Yeah.

I went to the party for a little while.

Then I wanted to go for a drive...

but it didn't happen.

Why did you leave?

I'd had enough.

- People said you were pretty upset.

-People?

Heard about a little shoving match, too.

- That was nothing.

-You hit girls a lot, do you?

- Of course not.

-Yeah.

Why don't we go someplace

and warm up a bit? Hop in, puppy.

Hey, move it!

Detective, I didn't kill Bobby.

But the other night,

I did see something that was unbelievable.

Unless it's your alibi,

I don't want to hear about it.

- No. You have to listen to me.

-No, you have to listen to me.

See, I got you hitting on Bobby's girlfriend,

picking a fight with the deceased...

clocking a co-ed...

leaving the party in a jealous rage...

and at the scene of the crime

at the estimated time of death.

Bingo!

Finally.

- How's business, Doc?

-it's dead. Competition's killing me.

Any Updates?

This is really fascinating.

- What's that?

-Bobby here has no sign of struggle...

no exterior markings, no poisons.

He has above-average blood-alcohol level,

but certainly not enough to trigger a coma.

Well, the expression on his face tells me

he must have felt something.

This is really baffling.

Bobby froze...

from the inside out.

Did you say "froze from the inside out"?

How do you figure that?

You take a piece of meat

and throw it out in the freezing cold...

the frost attacks the extremities,

and then it burrows through to the core.

Now our subject, his organs are rock solid.

But his exterior body temp was barely

below freezing when we found him.

No, Bobby's deep freeze started

from the inside out.

Anything else?

Excuse me.

There's evidence

that a hose was forced down his throat.

- A hose?

-Yeah, a beer bong.

It's a funnel connected to a hose.

It's a drinking game.

Kids today. Who the hell knows?

Right. In your opinion, Doc,

did this hose kill him?

No way. I've seen this kind of thing before.

Never like this.

Here, puppy-

Come on.

You're released, Callahan.

Great.

- Did you catch the killer?

-Yes...

and no.

The clean corpse at Arch Memorial

means you're free.

For now, PUPPY-

Bye-bye. PUPPY-

I'd bet my badge that kid did it.

And when I pin it on him, it'll be my ticket.

- This type of behavior will not be tolerated.

-I didn't do anything wrong.

We cannot be caught

with our guard down again, understand?

It looks bad for all of us.

"All of us"?

- Archer Memorial Hospital.

-You got it.

Jesus!

Holy sh*t!

Hello, d*ckhead!

You're really getting the hang of

this breaking and entering thing.

What's next, Luke? Liquor store?

Maybe a casino?

He had to have been there for hours,

and his body was still ice-cold.

That's because he was dead, genius.

- I broke his arm off. It snapped.

-That's nasty. Why did you have to do that?

They even had a diagram of a tentacle.

When is someone gonna do something?

Who made you C.S.I., New Brunswick?

I know what I saw.

Dude, you're delusional, okay?

Bobby got tanked, man.

He got tanked, he passed out

after a sub-zero lap dance, and that's it.

That's right.

She screwed him to death.

Got her bloodsucking hooks in him.

Hooks? Look, man. All right.

You said yourself,

the detective had nothing to go on, right?

Bobby was clean:
no cuts, no scars,

no sucker burns, nothing.

Because she shoved them down his throat.

Or up his--

Luke, do you have any idea

how insane you sound?

Yes, thank you.

Anyway, Constance cleared her.

That's it. Game over.

- That's because she's one of them, too.

-Come on.

This has been an experience, but I gotta

bounce. I'm meeting Natasha at the G.S.U.

It's her Pi Beta rush meeting tonight...

so I'm about to Pi Beta rush.

You know what I'm saying?

Just be careful, man.

Okay.

- You know what I think?

-What's that?

I think this is all an elaborate plan

to screw up my evening.

What?

Yeah, man.

Tonight's the night, buddy, okay?

Constance and me. I've got a ticket to ride,

man, and ride I will.

I got some candles, I got some incense,

I even got some Lauryn Hill.

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