Dedh Ishqiya

Once there was a priest who had

a pet female parrot

The parrot hurled such vile abuses

that even l would feel ashamed

The priest shared his problem

with his friend, the Judge.

The judge asked the priest

to bring the parrot to his house.

He had two male parrots

who were very pious.

They sang praises

of Allah all day long.

Good company would make

all the difference.

The priest brought the parrot

to the judge's house.

The judge put the female parrot

in the cage with the other parrots

As soon as she went in, the parrots

stopped reciting the prayers

One smiled and turned to the other..

..and whispered in his ear..

May l whisper in your ear?

What did he say?

"Stop chanting the Lord's name.

Our prayers have been answered."

Bury him.

This is unfair, Mushtaq bhai.

Why punish me for Khalu's treachery?

l could have fled too but l didn't.

l came back to you.

Look Mushtaq bhai, believe me.

Why are you guys in such a hurry?

At least hear my last wish.

Anotherjoke?

No.

A story!

1000 rupees a day.

What's this?

Does the Nawab come free with this?

The suit belongs to

the Nawab of Chandpur.

He's on a Haj.

That's why these are available.

Shall l pack them both?

- No. Just one.

And a cheap tunic for him.

Why bro?

lf there's a Nawab there

has to be his butler.

You? A Nawab?

- Yes.

Great, Khalu.

- No matter what you wear..

..you will always

look like a butler.

Since when do you have

these tremors?

lt's just...few days.

His hands have been shaking

for a long time.

And, it's noon now.

You should watch him in the morning.

lt's like an earthquake!

Do you know what l do?

l break 4 eggs in a bowl,

and hand him the spoon.

And a well-beaten,

frothy omelet's ready.

Come with me.

- Yes?

Come with me. Come.

l was just joking.

Where are you taking me?

My grandfather.

He's a well known physician.

Would you like to consult him?

l can't see it.

- What's wrong, sir?

Sir is saying that,

these necklaces are terrible.

So ugly they stink.

What are you saying, sir?

Sir, take a look at this.

This.

l'll call for the car.

Pervez, get the car.

And switch the AC on.

Sir cannot tolerate the heat.

Come, sir.

- Sir...

..please feast your eyes on this.

Actually,

we cannot sell this officially.

Why?

This was stolen from the Nawab..

..of Hyderabad, the one in Pakistan.

lt's a priceless necklace, sir.

But 100% cash payment.

Yes. You'll get that.

How much?

- 5 million.

Advance?

- 500 thousand.

Where's your toilet?

Toilet?

His majesty hides his cash..

..in his undergarment.

Jumman, kindly escort

sir to the toilet?

Have a look sir.

How much can one

carry in the underwear?

About 4 or 5.

- How?

2 and a half upfront,

and the rest behind.

Which one's the main switch?

What's the time?

- 12:
30.

12:
30.

Eenie Meenie Miney Mo..

What happened, sir?

What are you doing here?

l'm here to loot your shop.

Was wondering which

one's the main switch.

Let me switch off the light!

Leave me.

Let me switch off the light!

See what's wrong?

Where's the emergency light?

lt was right here.

ls someone switching

on the generator or not?

Sorry!

Catch them!

Run!

Khalu, run!

Run.

Good day to you, ladies.

You can drool over it later.

Give me a hand.

We've to get out of here.

No ladder. How will l climb up?

Give me your hand.

Don't take so long.

Hey, stop.

No time. Run!

Meet me at the graveyard..

..behind the mosque at 3:30pm. Okay?

Khalu.

Hey! Stop!

Don't run. l'll shoot.

Time to decide.

lt's 4:
30 already.

What?

Do l cut off your head

or little one?

What are you saying brother?

lf l had a hint about

Khalu's betrayal..

..l wouldn't come here to die.

Head or the little one?

You are a fair person.

We're related after all.

Have pity on me.

Head or the little one?

What kind of an option is this?

Japanese Gangsters

cut off the fingers.

You can take this one.

Take both.

Spare my little one.

That's Japan.

This is lndia!

Toss a coin.

lf its heads, then cut off his head.

lf its tail, then cut off his organ.

What is it?

Tails!

- Mushtaq bhai!

Best of 3! Okay.

lts tails on both sides!

This is cheating.

Why are you after my little one?

What are you doing?

Mushtaq bhai!

Don't do this please!

We're related. What are you doing?

Take his pants off.

Pull the string.

Hey!

- Hey!

What are you doing Babban?

l swear l will blow my brains out.

This is wrong son.

Hand me the gun.

Hand me the car keys.

- First the gun.

Fine, don't.

You'll be responsible for my death.

Babban!

l'm counting till three.

After three l'm dead.

Son..

One..

Two..

l am not joking brother.

Catch him.

Stop!

Mushtaq bhai. l promise you.

Either l'll get you

the necklace for your wife..

..or Khalu's organ.

l'm taking your car.

Sorry!

Stop.

Son of a gun!

He ran away again.

l don't get it.

Why do you let him go every time?

Have you heard of Batman?

Yes, l have.

lf the Joker's dead,

what will Batman do?

What?

- He'll sit at home and knead dough!

Are you the Joker?

Who?

- Batsman!

"Horn Ok Please."

"l don't know

if l'm coming or going.."

"Laughing or crying.."

"Horn Ok Please."

"l don't know

if l'm coming or going.."

"Laughing or crying.."

"Am l running around in circles?"

"Or reinventing the wheel?"

"l don't know

if l'm coming or going.."

"Laughing or crying.."

"Wonder where the car will crash?"

"Only a puncture will bring it

to a stop."

"Wonder where the car will crash?"

"Only a puncture will bring it

to a stop."

"Until then where will it wander?"

"Will it stop when it sees a sign?"

"What is Krishna

without his beloved?"

"Wandering the streets aimlessly."

"Looking for something that's lost."

"Horn Ok Please."

"l don't know

if l'm coming or going.."

"Laughing or crying.."

"Tell me, my partner."

"Why did you leave me?"

"What good is the fly

on the pants.."

"..without the zipper?"

"Tell me, my partner."

"Why did you leave me?"

"What good is the fly on

the pants without the zipper?"

"Meet me somewhere you wretch."

"Wandering aimlessly everywhere."

"Looking for something that's lost."

"Horn Ok Please."

Look at him!

The moron is walking nude.

Come on.

Look at that.

"You want to fight the world alone?"

"Don't be such a child."

Wow! Wonderful, sir.

Thank you.

So that was the Nawab of Chandpur..

..Mr. lftekhar Hussain.

And we are at the Majidabad

railway station..

..where the country's finest

poets have assembled.

For the annual festival hosted

by Her majesty..

..the Begum of Majidabad..

She organises this festival

in memory of her late husband..

..the Nawab of Majidabad.

lt was the Nawab's dying wish

that the Begum remarry.

But only to a poet.

Then why is it that no poet

in the last three years..

..has been able to impress

the lonely Begum?

So let us pray that this year..

..the Begum will find her Nawab.

Amen.

This is how you narrate a poem.

- Greetings.

- Greetings.

May l have your attention please!

Gentlemen,

l would like your attention please!

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