Dedication

( movie projector whirrs )

HENRY:

Why are we here again?

RUDY:

Inspiration.

HENRY:
( sighs )

Seriously, why are we here?

RUDY:

Clears my head.

HENRY:

We're writing a children's book.

RUDY:

Shh! It's starting.

HENRY:
"The Sailor"?

RUDY:
Knock it off.

HENRY:
Do you think

that's the sailor?

RUDY:
Shh.

HENRY:
Wait, I'm--

I'm trying to follow it.

Come on, beat it, sister.

I ain't got no time for no hookers.

I should be insulted.

I'm not a hooker.

( Rudy laughs )

RUDY:
Hey!

Can I take your coat, Captain?

Look, baby, I ain't no captain.

I'm an able-bodied seaman.

Able-bodied. You dig?

- HENRY:
Oh, my God.

- Got it.

Today we'll find out

just how able-bodied you really are.

HENRY:

What is happening?

RUDY:
Shut up.

You're wrecking it.

HENRY:

That's impossible.

Take off your clothes.

Kinda remind me of a woman

who I met in my last port of call...

Hong Kong.

Boy, did she have the prettiest cu-

( film skips )

Come on! Jesus!

HENRY:

You could still get a girl like that.

You think so?

Mmm.

Ooh.

Oh, goddamn it, Henry!

You're not even watching

the goddamn movie.

I think we've seen

this one before.

Henry, will you come

and sit here like a normal person?

It's defeatist, what you're doing.

You're defeating the whole point

of what we got going here.

MAN:

Shut the f*** up, man!

You shut up!

Goddamn pervert.

( sighs )

I don't understand why

you think this would help.

Just watch the movie.

Do it to me.

Mmm.

Oh, do I need

a close-up of that.

- Ugh.

- Oh, yeah.

Oh.

Oh, good Lord.

Oh.

Mmm.

Touch my beaver.

Ooh. Ah.

Let's go. Let's go!

A beaver. It's a winner.

I mean, what kid

doesn't like beavers?

I got that thing that I get when

I get a feeling about something.

"Muff the Beaver"?

Nah. Too on the nose.

"Marty the Beaver"?

"Marty the Beaver."

Hey.

HENRY:
This guy is so

not gonna go for this.

( door closes )

Pessimist son of a b*tch.

Mr. Planck will be with you

in just one minute, gentlemen.

( sighs )

Allison either wants me to move

into the living room to sleep,

or she wants to get engaged.

Yeah, well, that's the thing.

The reason people

get together now is...

because they think they're looking

for similarly broken people.

We communicate nowadays

through-- through damage.

But, fortunately for you,

she's fake-damaged,

and she's gonna leave you

and have a better life

with some dope like her

who just pretends to be all f***ed up.

Girls only like the really f***ed-up guy

for the first few months.

They prefer...

you know, fake-broken.

Complicated, but like...

talk-about-it-over-chardonnay

complicated.

Ooh.

Life.

Don't start. Life's fine.

( sighs )

Life is nothing but the echo of joy

disappearing into

the great chasm of misery.

You've had better.

Life is nothing

but the occasional burst of laughter

rising above

the interminable wail of grief.

That's my favorite.

It lives in truth, that's why.

HENRY:
He's-- he's not

necessarily a "bad" beaver.

RUDY:
Nah.

HENRY:
And he's not really

a "good" beaver, either.

He's an edgy kind of beaver.

No, no. More he's-- he's like a...

a beaver with an edge.

All right, let's see.

HENRY:
Show him.

All right, how's this?

That's the actual beaver?

Yeah, this is... this is Marty.

Mm-hmm?

Beavers make dams.

Yes, l-- I'm aware.

I didn't know that.

Mm-hmm.

Yeah, there-- there's

a thaw in-- in the snow,

and it doesn't look

as if the dam is gonna hold.

So, Marty, in a selfless effort

to save the pond,

breaks into every house in town.

Breaks in?

No, he-- he gnaws in.

He-- he's a beaver.

All right, so, um-- so, he drags

the trees back to the stream.

Meanwhile, the people

from the town come up,

and they-- they-- they're

fixin' to make some beaver stew.

But, cooler heads prevail.

HENRY:
( whispering )

Someone stab me in the ear.

They plug the trees into the dam

and call it a Christmas dam.

And, all Christmas day,

the people from the town--

they make the biggest

and the strongest dam

that the beavers have ever seen.

It killed us to write that last part,

but we... you know,

need the money.

He's got three alimony payments,

and I got a girlfriend we've decided

I need to put in another apartment,

but that's-- that's really more of

a mental necessity than a physical one.

I have to get on the floor

sometimes to feel safe.

Sometimes I put heavy objects

on me when I feel anxious.

Gentlemen,

thank you for your time.

Cocksucker.

And, I want it ready

for a Christmas release.

I told you he would like it.

We're dealing with the best

in the business on this one.

RUDY:
You just have to move out.

ALLISON:
I don't understand.

RUDY:
We're tryin'

to write a book here,

and things can get

pretty goddamn ugly.

Me, I like to-- I like

to roam around a place,

like middle-of-the-night

type of thing.

Naked, even. But I don't

wanna feel self-conscious.

It could get real small

in here pretty fast.

Great.

HENRY:
Christmas...

that's 1 5 weeks away.

You guys f***ing

rehearse this sh*t?

Hi, baby.

Ugh! Will you take the

f***ing books off and stand up?

I guess I could, but...

um, I think I'd

sort a feel kind of unsafe.

You're f***ed.

( sighs )

ALLISON:

F*** you too, Rudy.

( door slams )

Sorry, man.

I'm feeling... just not...

I understand.

I think I have

bad chemicals in my head.

Oh, don't go

blaming your brain again.

It's not his fault.

You think it is,

and your brain believes you.

( pigeons coo )

They only eat bread.

Nonsense.

Genoa salami,

it's the best in the world--

they would've

invented it if they could've.

That sh*t's gonna kill you.

Yeah, well,

tell me when I'm dead.

Will do.

Who's this?

Uh... red suit, fat ass,

best friends are reindeer.

Bones Mrs. Claus.

And what's happening here?

Uh... Santa's sleigh

runs over Marty's tail,

Marty jumps up, bites him

in the crotch, gives him the clap.

( laughs )

Hey, you all right?

Yeah. This headache.

( sniffs )

Let's get this book done.

No more jokes.

Yeah, sure, sure.

MAN:
This is the final appearance

for Henry Roth and Rudy Holt,

best-selling authors

of the must-have children's book,

Marty the Beaver.

Be sure and get your

Christmas copy signed today.

I can't tell you how much

she just loved your book.

Oh, great.

WOMAN:

Her name's Cassidy.

Have a nice life.

She's only been

with us for six months.

( whispering )

She's adopted.

So, how are ya, sweetheart?

I see you're a Knicks fan.

Yeah, you wanna buy her a drink,

take her somewhere quiet?

You ever been

to a basketball game?

You see, 'cause

Marty the Beaver was just here,

and he told me

to give someone called, uh--

Cassidy--

some Knicks tickets.

He must have meant you.

Hey, dick,

one of those was mine.

Don't be a piece of sh*t.

There we go.

Are these really from--

from Marty the Beaver?

Absolutely, yes.

( Henry clears throat )

If Marty the Beaver really existed,

and if he really had tickets

to the Knicks-Pacers game

on Friday night,

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